Spring break may be over for everyone else, but it never really began for me!
Up until last week, my notion of spring break was a vision of half-nude bronzed bodies undulating on a white sand beach in Cancun and fluorescent drinks ending in “colada.” Everyone needs a release (especially Yalies) so you have one of two options for Spring Break: relax or Ex-lax. Needless to say, I chose to live it up like any reasonable twenty-something — but my plans were quickly thwarted by that world of wonder we call collegiate a cappella.
On my connecting flight to Miami, as I nervously leafed through the airline passenger safety guide while awaiting take-off, I was filled with a sudden sense of exhilaration at the prospect of spending a couple of glorious days on South Beach (either that or bloated from that breakfast burrito I had in El Paso). The plane took off without a hitch, and I thanked my Lord a la Whitney “That’s My Lord” Houston as we soared to cruising altitude.
It wasn’t long before we hit some bad turbulence, a harbinger of things to come …
Day One: When I arrived at the hotel in Miami I was taken aback by it’s ghetto-fabulousness. The boys in my a cappella group were nowhere to be found because they had all gone cavorting around Miami for the evening, leaving me alone and destitute in the lobby of the Discomfort Inn. I was dressed and ready to go out, but apparently the boys were drunk and ready to pass out. So much for South Beach! End of day one.
Day Two: It was the perfect day to play in the ocean so we headed for the beach — for a 20-minute photo shoot in our dress clothes that is (insert sad face here). I was notified (I flew in from another tour) that we already had our beach day (insert sad face with tears here).
After the photo shoot our 15-passenger van pulled around. It was chock full of surprises and goodies like: a half-dead rotting gerbil (ewwwww) and “Magic the Gathering Collector’s Edition” (double ewwwww). I noticed a large sign on the left-hand side of the street that read “Bienvedidos a Miami.” Indeed, this was some welcome to Miami.
All I could think was where the hell was Daisy Fuentes and my fantasy MTV Spring Break complete with “fly honeys” and special appearances by Destiny’s Child? I hopped inside the van and we drove along I-95 on the way to our gig, the Beach Boys blasting obnoxiously through the stereo. I was coming down off of Britney-withdrawal and desperately wanted to listen to the real radio. You know, fun carefree music — most likely bad, but the music of today’s youth. Apparently, nobody was listening to lil’ ol’ me, so I politely exclaimed (jokingly) “Stop the van, I’m getting out.” The van, to my surprise, stopped and rolled to a halt on I-95. The door swung open, I got out — thinking, this is all a joke, I’ll play along. Well, little did I know that a 15-passenger van could go from zero to 60 miles per hour is under 15 seconds. The van was gone, and there I was, with no cell phone, stranded on the highway.
What was a Southern belle to do but head straight for the beach? So that’s just what I did! I was going to reclaim my spring break and finally figure out what Will Smith meant by “500 degrees in the Carribean Seas with the hot mommies screaming Aye Pappi.”
I started to walk along the highway — it was hot. So hot that the heat of the Miami sun beat upon me like a conga. I started to get nervous when the highway became a bridge girded by wild mangroves. A scary guy in a 1976 powder blue Cutlass Supreme asked me if I needed a ride (I replied “no ingles” and kept walking).
Suddenly I saw South Beach arise in all her glory on the horizon. My MTV spring break was finally in sight as Brazilian supermodels strutted down the line of coconut palms.
Just then, I saw the shadow of a large rectangular vehicle engulf my own shadow. I heard a horn beep and turned around to see 15 smiling faces. It was “my boys.” The sweethearts that I knew and loved so well. The day had ended for this bronzed beach bunny (insert sad face here).
Will Cornwell would like to be a bronze beach bunny, but he was stuck inside a van for spring break (insert sad face here).