We’ve all seen squirrels around campus. They scurry around in droves, swarming here and there like big, hairy killer bees. They gnaw through bagels and steel with mechanical ease and cool efficiency. They jump into your room if you happen to leave the window open for even an instant, and then act all surprised when you come home, like they had no idea you lived there. So if you want to survive among these hostiles, follow my advice:
1. First and foremost, do not kick the squirrels. Squirrels are sophisticated hunters. It is well-known that squirrels and their relatives have powerful connections. They will retaliate by killing your family.
2. Squirrels have rabies. They have babies too, and these babies have rabies. Some old people get scabies, which squirrels don’t have, so I wouldn’t worry about it. Unless you live with old people.
3. Do not stare directly into their beady eyes. They are deep and shiny and will fool you into thinking they care. Squirrels may seem like they can empathize, but they can’t. They’re squirrels.
4. Some may be robotic and made out of metal. Carry large electromagnets with you wherever you go. When they approach, turn on the juice.
Now that you know how to avert grave danger, remember that the best defense is a good offense. Here are some tips to help you combat these cute and furry fire-devil-rodents:
1. Their tails are their weaknesses. Bushiness and evilness are directly proportional. If you can target the tails with a precise projectile, like a boomerang, cherry seed or microeconomics textbook, take them out.
2. Chasing is all right, as long as you can run up trees.
3. When squirrels are collecting nuts, they are most vulnerable. Collect some of your own to make them jealous. Or launch a strike when they are hoarding. Their one-track minds can’t handle the pressure!
4. Insult their mothers.
These rules are vital. Keep a copy under your pillow, or in your parka. Don’t keep a pillow in your parka, though, because then you would look ridiculous.
Always be vigilant. Watch your windows and doors and the cracks in your floors. Squirrels can be creative — but so can you.
— Greg Korb