My desk is neat. The bathroom is clean. I can see the floor, and it is sand-free. It must be the start of another school year. As classes approach, I can’t help but think of what will be different about this year. I am one year older, one year wiser and, most importantly, no longer a freshman. As I killed the few hours I had on my return flight to the Have, I reminisced about the past year. I would like to take this time to pass on the lessons learned by my own class to our successors, the class of 2008.
Do not flirt with TAs in an attempt to raise your grade. Wait, strike that. Do not have sex with your TAs in an attempt to raise your grade. Flirting is perfectly fine, but you just don’t know where that TA has been. This goes double for TAs who received their undergrad degree from another school. If there is a sketchy TA hitting on you, flirting back is not recommended unless it is the only way you’ll get a passing grade. Alternatively, you could try actually doing the coursework.
Breaking stuff while drunk will not make you cool. Kicking in car windows while drunk will not make you cool. Throwing a recliner down the stairs will not make you cool. You’ll just get the people in your entryway pissed off at you and invoke the wrath of your suitemate, whose La-Z-Boy is no longer operational. Oh, and trash in the entryways is a fire hazard, too.
Along the same lines, discharging fire extinguishers all over an entryway is just plain dumb. Not only is it expensive and messy, but it can set off the fire alarm. Putting out an imaginary fire in your entryway at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night might seem like a good idea, but you really should stop and consider all the people who were gettin’ it on (or just sleeping, for that matter) before spraying your hose everywhere. Wait, that didn’t sound quite right.
Condoms are really useful. Not only can they be used as water balloons and room decorations, but they can stop the spread of STDs. We all know that partying is fun. So is hooking up. Pissing fire, however, is not fun. Too many acquaintances in my class forgot this simple fact. As a result, more than a few 2007ers felt a special sort of burning in their loins last year. It’s not that difficult, even when drunk, to put a condom on, so just do it.
If you put something on top of the trash pile in your room and it falls off, it is your turn to take out the garbage. Don’t complain about it; no one will want to come to your room if your coffee table is covered in week-old Gourmet Heaven take-out and grease from pizzas dating back to last fall semester. Generally, the more often you take out the trash, the better. The longer you leave it, the more sickening garbage juice you get at the bottom of the can, and you really don’t want that sitting in there and fermenting. Trust me, you really don’t. You cannot make moonshine out of the garbage juice, either, so don’t try.
Recycle your bottles and cans. It may not seem like a big deal, but you probably throw out more aluminum and glass than you’d care to admit. Given the amount of drinking that goes on around this campus and the amount of carbonated beverages consumed, Yale probably produces the same quantity of recyclable bottles and cans as a decent-sized town. Just do your part and recycle, it really doesn’t take that much effort. That way, when you graduate there will still be gas to power monstrous SUVs across the country.
It really isn’t that hard to avoid making stupid mistakes. Most of this stuff is simple common sense, which a lot of people seem to lack these days. There is always a frosh who makes himself known as a jackass in his college within a few weeks of the beginning of freshman year. Don’t be that guy.
Nick Moryl plans on stealing Woody to educate his suitemates.