After returning to the Yale campus from a lengthy Christmas break, I started noticing something … something different, something ominous. It quietly started to grow and multiply like some sort of cancer. Then, last week, while minding my own business in the Stiles dining hall, the tumor reared its ugly head. I had witnessed the onset of the apocalypse, the four horsemen right before my eyes. Only, they were disguised as four girls wearing Uggs. And it seemed there was a fifth, some sort of leader, wearing pink ones, which was, well, mind-blowing.
For those lucky enough to have never experienced this evil, Uggs are the beige (or painfully pink) sheepskin and suede beacons of wickedness that you keep seeing on girls’ feet all over campus. Like the Bladderball e-mails, they spread across campus, the victims unaware of what they have unleashed.
These boots are everything that is wrong with everything. They are the Starbucks of women’s footwear. Europe hates us because of crap like Uggs. Everyone who doesn’t have them thinks they are ugly. Everyone who has them thinks they are ugly, and if they say otherwise, they are lying. Think about it: these are the boots the poor girl in third grade wore to school, and all the girls wearing them now probably made fun of her.
Poor girl, stand up! Flaunt your Uggs; show that you were one of the originals, not one of today’s Cameron Diaz wannabes! But blame not Cameron Diaz, for she was simply making a statement of individuality — besides, who’s looking at her feet anyway. Like all attempts at breaking the mold, Diaz’s statement was the chum for a media and consumer feeding frenzy that would make “Jaws” blush. Instead of promoting individualism, these boots are being used like some sort of reverse scarlet letter to raise the status of the wearer. But we, the non-wearers, are revolting, for we know better than to be fooled by your thinly-veiled attempts at eccentricity.
Like “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” I decided to go into the lion’s den, maybe to better understand the enemy. Only rather than Nazi Germany, the Lion’s Den I entered was just the Ugg Web site — not Hitler’s Berlin, but evil nonetheless. Up until now, I thought only good things came out of Australia: Naomi Watts, Foster’s, that funny dialect, Outback Steakhouse, any animal that tries to kill the Crocodile Hunter. So you could see how shocked I was when I found out the apocalypse began Down Under.
The Evil Empire that is Ugg Australia prides itself as being “the world’s premier luxury brand of authentic sheepskin footwear.” The aforementioned $110 “Classic” boots are just the tip of the crapberg. They also have very comfortable slippers … for $85. Is walking in the comfort of sheepskin from your bed to the bathroom while in a hungover haze really worth $85? Ask yourself, is walking the ten feet from Calhoun to WLH really worth a semester of beer money? Then again, they are women’s boots, and women don’t pay for beer. OK, so is it worth two Playstation games? Wait, women don’t play Playstation either. Women, what exactly do you do with your time? A little help … anyone?
So Uggs are warm and comfortable. It’s not like you’ll be fording the Yukon anytime soon, so how much warmth do you really need? Just wear some cheap Nikes, I find them to be very comfortable. You could even throw on a pair of socks, who knows how warm that could get! And it cost you, what, 50 bucks. Plus, you don’t look like you just got back from a Wooly Mammoth hunt with Cro-Magnon Man.
I just don’t get it. These women are sacrificing money, fashion, and the respect of their peers, all in the name of faux individuality. But perhaps the end is not near, for when Jack Frost’s icy spell is over the people will be free of the Uggs stranglehold. It will be a good day indeed when the trees bud, flowers bloom, and Uggs join the pantheon of horrible, dead fashion trends like the jeweled trucker hat, Goth, and anything Slater wore on “Saved by the Bell.” Only unlike “Saved by the Bell,” there will be no reruns of this fashion faux paux.
Carl Williott says, “Ugg.”