Georgie Porgie, Yankees’ big guy,
Signed A-Rod and made the Red Sox cry.
When the other teams came out to play,
Georgie Porgie made them run away.
Think the Yankees’ acquisition of Alex Rodriguez was a big deal? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. I, Noahstradamus, have seen the future of Steinbrenner and the Yankees. May it shock and appall you.
Feb. 25, 2004 — Citing irreconcilable differences with Red Sox management, shortstop Nomar Garciaparra demands to be traded. “I just can’t play for a team that doesn’t want me,” says the two-time AL batting champ. Desperate to get a player of at least close to equal value before Garciaparra’s contract expires at the end of the season, Boston General Manager Theo Epstein brokers a deal with Trader Tom Hicks and the Texas Rangers, sending Nomar to the Rangers in exchange for Alfonso Soriano and a prospect.
Feb. 26, 2004 — Red Sox fans’ relief at getting a player in return for Nomar turns to horror when, just one day after acquiring Garciaparra, Hicks trades him to (gasp!) the Yankees. In return for Nomar, the Rangers receive the right to send the rest of A-Rod’s contract with him to New York. “I’m extremely pleased to be going to the Yankees,” Garciaparra remarks, “And I’m excited to announce that I will be moving to second base, so I can play right next to my new best friend and captain, Derek Jeter.” “You can never have too many shortstops,” remarks Yankees owner George Steinbrenner with an ominous cackle, “and now I have the three best in the game!” Nomar immediately signs an eight-year, $120 million deal with the Bronx Bombers.
July 13, 2004 — The Yankees, 63-19 at the All-Star break, send their entire infield (Rodriguez, Jeter, Garciaparra, 1B Jason Giambi and C Jorge Posada) to the summer classic as starters on the American League squad. In fact, with Gary Sheffield (RF), Hideki Matsui (CF) and Mike Mussina (P) also in the starting lineup, the only starter not wearing pinstripes is Ichiro of the Mariners. During the seventh inning stretch of the exhibition, however, word comes that Ichiro has been traded to the Bombers in exchange for Kenny Lofton, Bernie Williams and GM Brian Cashman’s first-born child. “We don’t really need the kid,” Steinbrenner opines from the owners’ box. “Besides, his dad’s about to be fired anyway.” Cashman refuses to comment.
July 17, 2004 — Cashman appears bedraggled before the New York media and announces that he’s been traded, along with pitcher Jon Lieber and the 2001 World Series Championship, to the Arizona Diamondbacks in exchange for pitcher Randy Johnson. “I know it’s unorthodox for management to be traded,” Cashman says. “But this deal’s been three years in the making, and George felt now was the right time to give our pitching a boost. Plus, this way I can be closer to my kid when he’s born.” “I’ve always hated the Yankees,” Johnson says. “But now that I know they threw the Series in 2001, well, you know what they say: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!”
Aug. 5, 2004 — Houston Texans quarterback David Carr calls a news conference to announce that he’s leaving the organization. “I’ve decided to take a position as the third baseman for the Norwich Navigators,” Carr says. “The Yankees have offered me $35 million to take the job. Drew Henson assured me it’s an easy gig, and I feel confident that I can hit .225. The sacks I took as a quarterback should more than prepare me for the verbal beating I’m sure to receive from the New York media.”
Oct. 2004 — After finishing the regular season 132-30, the Yankees sweep through the playoffs, outscoring their opponents 111-23 in the 11 postseason games. A-Rod is named the MVP of the series after New York’s 13-1 game four clincher over the Cubs. “This one’s for God,” A-Rod jubilantly remarks in his acceptance speech after the game, “and George. But they’re basically the same guy.” “We didn’t play well enough down the stretch,” Steinbrenner says of the Yanks’ 27th World Championship run. “Heads will roll.”
Dec. 27, 2004 — After more than five months of lock-out, the National Hockey League folds, due to disagreements between the owners and the players’ union. Steinbrenner comes to the rescue. “I’m happy to announce today that I’ve purchased the Detroit Red Wings, New York Rangers, New York Islanders and New Jersey Devils,” the baseball cum hockey savior announces. “The Wings will be relocated to the Bronx and re-named the New York Yankees-on-Ice.
They will compete with the other three New York teams in a new league that will be called the SHL, or Steinbrenner Hockey League, and compete for the George Cup. All proceeds will benefit the Yankees baseball conglomerate.”
Feb. 22, 2005 — With the New York media clamoring for news of the latest Yankee acquisition on the eve of the 2005 season, Steinbrenner comes through with a stunner. “I’ve cloned Joe DiMaggio,” he declares. “Though Ted Williams’ severed head and the Red Sox’ efforts gave us a run for our money, we’ve triumphed. I’d like you all to meet The Yankee Clipper, version 2.0!” Oohs and aahs accompany the unveiling of an adorable infant, decked out in Yankee regalia. “We’re working on enhanced-aging technology,” Steinbrenner continues. “Joltin’ Joe Jr. should be ready by the All-Star Break!”
Nov. 10, 2006 — With the Yankees having finished the 2006 season with a perfect 162-0 record, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announces that the league is dissolving. “The league’s other 29 teams simply can’t compete any more,” Selig ejaculates. “The Yankees payroll is $6.3 billion!” Steinbrenner refuses to comment, but sources indicate he is in contact with the Washington Generals.