I have to admit, Valentine’s Day is not effin’ sweet. You can’t help feeling a little left out on Valentines Day when you’re single and watching the couples walk from place to place, engaging in cute activity after cute activity.

You guys are going ice skating and then out to dinner? That is SO adorable!

But there is a bright side. First of all, your presence doesn’t bug the hell out of everybody. There are other bright sides too, other than the obvious ones like not having to perform compulsory oral sex later in the evening (that ice skating comes at a price, toots). When we’re single on Valentine’s Day, we get caught up in the little things we’re missing — a healthy relationship, steady emotional support, ass on school nights — and forget to realize how many things we have. Really, Valentine’s Day should be like a mini-Thanksgiving for single people. So, here with an Ann Landers-style fridge-postable column, I give you reasons not to feel shitty on Valentines Day.

1. You’re still young. This is big. OK, so you don’t have a significant other right now. Its not like you’ve never gotten any play. There are guys in Bangladesh who are literally starving. And girls don’t give it up for starving guys. Seriously, you’ve got decades of surefire virility ahead of you. Think of the elderly and the terminally obese. Compared to them, you’re a pimp.

2. Today isn’t costing you shit. Catching up on your reading while listening to Sean Paul’s two songs over and over again is much cheaper than taking somebody to Scoozi, or sending flowers to someone you’re in a long-distance relationship with. Whoever it is is probably cheating on you anyway.

3. Malt liquor. People in relationships cant drink this on Valentines Day, especially not with dinner. I can. I’m going to.

4. Making an ass of yourself. If I want, I can get drunk and go out tonight and do nothing but scream obscenities and the word “Woo!” over and over again. I can wear my baseball cap at any angle I want and no one will try to change it. If I wanted, I could even wear a visor. Have fun acting all polite with your girlfriend.

4. Cuckoldry anxiety. It’s a major theme in Western literature and popular music, (all the way from “The Iliad” to N.O.R.E), and I don’t have to worry about it. And this fact boosts my confidence around relationshipped friends too. “Your girl was looking at me? Well, as far as you know buddy, perhaps I am tagging her.”

5. Beta Late Night.

6. Songs like “Ain’t No Fun,” “Pour Some Sugar on Me” and of course, the complete works of Tupac. These songs belong to the single people and are totally sweet. I’ll take them over “Your Body is a Wonderland” any day.

So that’s it, a short list of why Valentine’s Day shouldn’t suck. I hope this makes you feel a little better. Really, there’s nothing to worry about. Here at Yale, most of the relationships people are in are either awkward, overly emotional/touchy-feely or just kind of gross. Singles are not missing out on all that much.

And one last note: If you are a girl and still feel depressed that you don’t have a guy in your life, rest assured that tonight, a ton of sketchy guys and I are going to be anticipating that need, eager to make you feel better. I’m here for you, baby. Aww yeah.

Burt Helm hopes that you’ll be so wasted tonight, you won’t even notice that there are two number fours in this list.