Every year, I resolve to go to all of my classes, but somehow, come March, I barely see 9:30 a.m. I’ve tried everything from caffeine to blaring alarm clocks, but nothing seems to work. Any suggestions?

First of all, you have no business taking a class before 10:30 a.m. and even that is cutting it a little close — 11:30 is preferable. Although I can tell you on good authority that no matter how late the class starts, it never will be late enough. Still, there is no use courting trouble by taking a class that starts too early for a normal human college student.

In high school you went to sleep late and you woke up before the sun did, every single day, Monday to Friday. Well, my dear, you are no longer in high school. For the glorious four years of college, you live in the twilight zone where 1 p.m. is basically still morning. So live accordingly. Take preventative measures by making sure NEVER to take an early morning class, even if the powers that be won’t let you graduate without it; after all, there is always summer school.

Still, if you find that you are still ditching classes or not doing your work no matter how late the class starts, a little bit of meditation hopefully should do the trick. Close your eyes and imagine the person who pays your tuition — you, your parents, your great Aunt Myrtle and her trust fund — whomever. Then imagine this pobrecito tearing up $115 for every single class you ditch; that’s roughly how much a class session costs.

Sucks, doesn’t it? If you ditch 10 classes a semester, you just flushed well over $1,000. If that thought doesn’t get you out of your PJs come March, then nothing will, so just go back to bed knowing that one day you will take a big fat loan to pay for classes that your child never goes to. — B.O.

Just like every problem has a cause, every cause has a cause. A sub-cause, if you will. Your problem is sleep deprivation, and the following are possible causes.

Option one: You are having too much sex. This would mean you are an athlete, but what athlete makes it past the sports page of the Yale Daily News when they are preoccupied with Finance Magazine and the Journal for Saving Young Children from Fire and Other Such Disasters? Therefore, they clearly would not be writing into an advice column they never have — nor ever will — read.

Option two: You are wanting to have too much sex. By wanting too much sex, it can be inferred that you are having some sex to begin with. Once more, people who have sex are athletes and, in reference to the aforementioned thought, this isn’t you since athletes can’t read.

Option three: You want to have just a little sex.

“Back up the bus!” you exclaim (What bus? Why are you so silly?). “How can you be so certain that sex is the reason I am not going to class?”

Didn’t you spend from 1:23 to 3:37 in the a.m wondering what you could possibly do to gain the glittering bauble that has as of yet been out of your reach?


Here is the deal. You, not being an athlete, never will have sex. Come to terms with it. I have, and by doing so I have made it to some of my classes most of the time, provided that they start after 11:00 a.m. Take classes in the afternoon. Either that or learn how to stop time, much like the girl does in “Out of This World.” Actually, just learn how to do that. — D.F.


I really want to commit to getting in shape this year, but my endurance is not so great. Is there anything I can do to make the gym more fun so I can make my resolution last?

I’m afraid not. The gym bites. It’s always going to bite. There’s really no way to make it more interesting. I can only think of one reason why anyone would drag herself to that hellhole chamber of torture otherwise known as “Pain Whitney” — she’s pictured herself grown to heiferific proportions on an episode of “Maury” saying that she just didn’t know how she got so big.

Think about it, you drag yourself somewhere for an hour just so you can hurt yourself. I know everyone says it feels good to exercise, but seriously, if it felt so good, then everyone would do it, wouldn’t they? Exercise is only fun for crazy people. For the rest of us, it’s torture. Still, there are a few things you can do to make the sheer agony of it all go by faster. First, always have literature on hand; I advise a copy of Maxim, if you’re the high-art sort of girl. If you prefer lower fare, nothing can beat YM Girl. Always, always have loud pulsating music on hand; hopefully, the loudness of the music will chase any thoughts of pain or the awareness that time is crawling by.

The other suggestion I have is to take a class. The gym, out of desire to further deprive students of money, offers classes ranging from ballet to kickboxing. Sometimes in a class, you can fool yourself into thinking you’re actually having a good time. For you, since you have that pesky little endurance problem, I’d advice taking a class like African dance, yoga or hip-hop. All of those should be able to get you in better shape and build your endurance at the very same time.

Although, after a while, classes kind of bite, too. On second thought, why get in shape anyway? You’ll only throw away your chance for 15 seconds of fame on “Maury.”– B.O.

You claim that the root of your failure to get into shape is a lack of endurance. Now, call me crazy, but I, knowing what I do about this “shape,” have noticed a strange parallel between gaining endurance and getting into shape. It is therefore possible that you have been trapped in a paradox from which escape is impossible. Fear not, and let us muse for a moment on how other kinds of people have escaped their lack of endurance.

Babies tend to lack endurance. But who would ever try to put a baby on a treadmill? That would be awful. Old people, too — they frequently have no endurance. Yet they do get out to the gym and have some fun, too. We must seek the cause of this “fun” that old people have harnessed.

After weeks of research, I found one key. Old people have pets. Pets are fun. So, to make the gym more “fun,” I suggest you buy and bring a pet. Not only could you have fun watching your pet mess around with other people at the gym, but you could also be entertained by watching your dog, cat, pony, lizard or whatever try to work out alongside you. Now choosing a pet is difficult. I would suggest a bear — largely because if you don’t make it to the gym, you will still get in shape running away from the bear as it tries to eat you. Foolproof. Good luck with that.– D.F. n