I’m a freshman girl and I’ve already gained the “Freshman 15.” The gyms are so crowded, and the only edible food in the dining hall is always deep-fried. What should I do?

Yale is full of excesses, and as a newly-separated self-reliant individual, it is up to you to make the right decisions — whether they be moral, academic, or nutritional. You are now in a place where alcohol, hookups, and food are present in overwhelming supplies, and although your friends at home won’t be able to notice your newly found sexual prowess, they’ll be sure to notice the new pouch on your stomach.

So while you may think the “Freshman 15” is an unavoidable phenomenon, be aware that Yale has other excesses that no one seems to notice — things like master’s teas, world-class art galleries, and a well-stocked salad and fruit bar. And although the gym is crowded from time to time, the sidewalks are never so crammed that you cannot take a jog.

I’m not a dietician, but the basic rule of living is to take everything in moderation. You need not eat all the chocolate chip cookies you can at lunch — they will be there at dinner, and they will be there tomorrow. The Belgian waffle maker will not disappear overnight. What will disappear are seasonal fruits and vegetables. Fall brings apples, pears, grapefruits and plums, as well as squash, cauliflower, and sweet peppers. If you want to reap the most from your meal, fill your plate with these foods, which unlike fried foods, are nutritious, fresh, and here for a limited time.

Bottom line: Satisfy your hunger, not your compulsion to overindulge. It may be difficult to find satisfaction in healthy foods, but you just may find that as your chocolate fro-yo cone climbs higher and higher, your ability to find that decadent hookup may tumble lower and lower. Pick through the excess. — J.T.

I’ve been doing a lot of isometric work myself in the comfort of my own dorm room. Also, I’ve stuck strictly to a diet consisting only of Eli Breakfast Sandwiches and Diet Coke. That contains valuable nutrients like lard and carbonated water. You don’t believe me, do you?ÊI am a senior.ÊStop this naive bullshit!ÊPick up the damn breakfast sandwich and eat it. — S.M.


I frequently hear moaning noises coming from my suitemate’s room when she’s hooking up. I feel like I should tell her, but I don’t know what to say. Any suggestions?

Chances are, if your suitemate knew you were hearing her lusty moans, she would get embarrassed and stop. In a moment as private and inherently vulnerable as hooking up, I’d find it hard to believe that she would want others to hear her.

Confronting her, however, is the complicated part of the situation. Saying that you don’t like it when your picture frames rhythmically beat on the wall may cause her to resent you — who are you to tell her what to do?

However, her resentment is more a means of saving face than it is an affront to your pleasure protests. Imagine how you feel when someone opens the door of your dressing room, or when someone finds you picking your nose. Without a word from the other person, you will probably lock the door and take that crusty finger out. In your suitemate situation, I think it is better to have her know that you could know, instead of your telling her that you know. This way, it saves her the embarrassment and the need to make up some excuse for her actions.

Bottom line: When you hear her again, yell out to your other suitemates for a stapler, for homework, anything that will let your suite’s resident couple know you are there and you are within earshot. They will most likely silence their moans, and then you may get back to your unsexy homework and the typical asexual Yale experience. — J.T.

You can’t tell her! My god! Are you completely socially inept? The only logical recourse is for you to compete with her moans by moaning even louder. Counter-moaning is always the tactic that I have used and it’s worked pretty well. If the roommate asks what you’re doing, simply respond “nothing.” Evasion is the key here. Never let on. Eventually she’ll be so creeped out she’ll just shtup him in his room. — S.M.