My name’s Don, and this is my column about the Olympics, at least until next week when the Olympics are over, whereupon I’ll write about something tangentially related to the Olympics for awhile. Maybe sex. Probably sex. Then, when the Olympics resume in a couple of years, I’ll write about the Olympics again, until they’re over too. It’s a pattern.
The basic premise of the Olympic Games is a healthy one: young, virile men and women of diverse cultures, countries and continents congregating in the capital of Mormonism to beat each other up. The trouble with the Olympics is that they’ve been perverted from their original mission. Olympians used to wrestle naked in the Erectheon. Hot! Now they pirouette in spandex on an ice rink. So, what happened? One word: old people.
PARENTAL WARNING: The following paragraph is rated ass-wiper for mature content. It may contain bad humor, dirty humor, and the word ass-wiper. Reader discretion is advised.
Nobody wants to watch old people wrestle naked, and it’s only slightly less painful to watch them play other sports naked. Consider figure skaters Elvis Stojko, 29, of Canada, and Todd Eldredge, 30, of the United States. Eldredge is a great skater, but he’s a great old skater, and no one wants to watch him pirouette naked. Except maybe Stojko. Also, naked figure skating is a lot different than naked wrestling. Skates are sharp, and it’s not a good idea to have those things around while freeballin’. That’s how accidents happen. Despite their extensive experience, neither Stojko nor Eldredge skated up to par in competition. There’s a lesson to be learned here, a one-liner that these future figure-skating commentators should go about learning: There’s no ‘old’ in ‘gold’. Oh– wait! Wait a minute–
Oh yeah, I almost forgot: You’re an ass-wiper. Actually, you probably are. At least, let’s hope so.
There are two ways to win Olympic gold, and being old ain’t neither of them. The first way is to be young, not Lasaga-magnet young — but close. Plastic surgery doesn’t count either; you have to be legitimately young. The second way is to be Harry Potter. The added advantage of being Harry Potter is this: Not only is Harry Potter Harry Potter, but also he’s young — not Lasaga-magnet young—-but close. Which is an added advantage. And while we’re on the subject– I wouldn’t be surprised if Lasaga applied from prison for a job with NBC Sports.
Have you visited nbcolympics.com lately? I’m particularly fond of the “Fifteen-year-old schoolgirl is South Korea’s newest hero” caption. The site also mentions how “baby-faced” Harry Potter lookalike, Swiss ski jumper and double gold-medalist Simon Ammann “resembles the book and film character Harry Potter.” Brilliant. Here’s an idea, NBC: Maybe he actually is Harry Potter. They can both fly, right? They both have scars. If it looks like a duck– (Not that Harry Potter looks like a duck. Noooooo–).
But why would someone with magic powers want to compete in the ski jump anyway? The ski jump isn’t really a sport — more like half a sport. That’s why they combine it with another half-sport, cross country skiing, and give it a funky name like nordic combined. The biathlon — cross country skiing and shooting — is another of these combined sports, but instead of calling it combined-athlon, we call it biathlon — which sounds more sexual. Biathletes ski around a course, stopping at intervals to shoot at targets. Basically, it’s a terror attack waiting to happen. Cross country skis may seem harmless, but those edges are sharp! And yeah, that may look like snow they’re skiing on, but how do you know it’s not really anthrax? You don’t, do you? Do you?! No. More to the point– is it really a good idea to give these people guns? Some dude doesn’t make the medals and BANG!—-it’s all over. We’re spending too much on security for these games to let some foreigners of dubious political conviction cruise around with guns. Just doesn’t seem prudent? These people aren’t all American, you know. Some of them, you might even say, are Un-American and eeevil. There’s only one solution: give guns only to the American biathletes and their friends. The Un-American biathletes can have Super Soakers. That way, if one of the Un-American biathletes tries to assault innocent civilian spectators with his Super Soaker, the American can kill him.
And how about those wily canucks, David Pelletier and Jamie Sale. They got robbed by the commies. Everyone is saying they got robbed—-everyone, that is, except Pelletier and Sale. That couple is gonna make millions of dollars, American dollars, your American dollars, in promotions from this controversy. Do you know what that is in Canadian dollars? A lot. Millions and millions of dollars. Besides, Jamie Salle is hot! I don’t feel sorry for hot people—-except when they get old and are no longer hot.
Don Thompson is a sophomore in Trumbull College. And a Canuck. That bastard.