10. “Nutmeg.” If you grind up two “nuts” of nutmeg and consume them, say by dumping the granulated nutmeg powder into a warm glass of milk, you will trip balls for a few hours. But be wary: this is one of those delayed reaction stimulants of the kind that James Bond uses on Russian sled dogs so he can steal their sled. If you eat the nutmeg at dinner, you will wake up the next morning clawing the make-believe glass walls of the chocolate factory that has morphed from a dream into a reality.
9. “Snails.” You gotz to snort.
8. “Robitussin.” Reactions vary. Some complain that the world begins to move so slowly that they feel like big-footed clowns of incredible physical density. When the walls begin to ooze, just remember – it’s not blood, it’s Robitussin!
7. “Xanax.” This is on here for those of you who actually enjoy losing muscle control and humping like a mentally retarded sheep.
6. “Opium.” Even better than the real thing, this is a distraction traditionally honored by European poets and Chinese merchants. Your approach to the world becomes sort of like the approach of a four year-old child to his coloring book. Be careful that you do not waste away amidst whores. Even when you’re not taking opium.
5. “Crystal Methane.” This drug reminds many of us of another place and time – namely, CyberCity 2064, where we all ride jet-powered skateboards loaded. If you make it in your basement people will think you are so cool that they will call you “hard-core.”
4. “Blow.” Another “period drug” that if referred to thus and not by its contemporary appelation, evokes the part of Crocodile Dundee that takes place in New York City.
3. “Peyote.” Though not traditionally thought of as a “fun” drug, it is Yale President Richard Levin’s intoxication of choice before speaking to large groups of students. He once wandered through a group of activists in front of Woodbridge Hall on a “vision quest” to discover the perfect undergraduate ass. He wore a fake beard and when female students responded angrily to his groping hands he responded in an indigenous language of his own creation with only one word: “Hiawatha!”
2. “The Blood of the Dead.” I loved her so so bad, but she rejected me for the high school prom and then she died. I have never told anyone this, but now it is time for me to reveal my secret to all of you.
1. We cave – we just can’t take it anymore. Forget over-the-counter medicines and alternate universes, we at Scene opt every time for a fresh, dank bowl of evergreen bud. This one’s going out to the federal government – in a culture that condones addiction and physical deterioration over relaxation and temporary mental stimulus, you keep on turning people in the wrong directions. Like “Cuba.” Who wants to go there?