WEEKEND WANTS DEMOCRACY

A one-man presidential election is a bad, bad idea.
A one-man presidential election is a bad, bad idea. // Creative Commons

Don’t you dislike one-man elections? Don’t you think they decrease the legitimacy of the institution at stake? The saying goes, “Vote or DIE!” but here at WEEKEND, we just cannot take the Yale College Council elections seriously this year. We were hoping for the first female YCC president in recent memory, or a Brandon Levin ’14 surprise bid. Instead, we got three uncontested races. What. The. Fuck. So long, healthy competition. So long, government by the people. For the sake of democracy, though, here’s our list of potential candidates for the YCC presidential election. No, but actually — consider these honest contenders! Read their candidacy statements, “like” them on Facebook, tell your YCC representative to include these four names in the ballot. WE WILL NOT STAND FOR TYRANNY!

Caleb Madison’s Super Awesome Presidential Platform Just For YOU!

// BY CALEB MADISON

Hey, you! Yes you, reading this right now. I want to introduce you to a cool new candidate for YCC president. This person is awesome, cool, funny and smart. Sounds like the perfect candidate, right? I bet you can’t wait to meet this person. Good news: You don’t have to wait, because you can see this person right now. Take out your iPhone, open up your camera app and press the twisty camera icon on the top-right corner. That’s right. The candidate is you.

The Constitution once said, “We the People!” The Gettysburg Address once said, “Of the people, by the people, for the people!” These famous American words are why I am running for YCC president. I believe that normal, everyday Americans like you, me, or an autistic man with a heart of gold and a passion for ping-pong can truly make a difference in people’s lives. Yale is a perfect place, and everyone here is so wise, amazing and talented. I wish everyone could be YCC president!!!! But they can’t. :( That’s why I’m running for YCC president: for you.

I’ve always wanted to have a leadership position in my college student government because I’m selfless. First and foremost, I want people and my friends to be happy. If I were YCC president, I would organize fun events around campus so that everyone was happy. Still not happy after all the events I’ve organized? Send me an email at my email address, and I will make you happy! After all, that’s why I’m running for YCC president in the first place: you. I’m coming to YOUR dorm and talking to YOU about why I’d be a great president. I’m inviting YOU to a million Facebook events about voting for me. I’m taking pictures of YOU with a sign that has my name on it. So when you have the ballot in front of you next Thursday, whom are you going to vote for? Someone else who isn’t you? Or yourself? I think the answer is clear.

Yasmine Hafiz for YCC President: An Advocate for Riotous Chilling

// BY YASMINE HAFIZ

Does anyone really give a fuck about academic minors at Yale? I’m currently on the senior thesis strugglebus and have neither the time nor the inclination to have another random title on my diploma, a document which will probably vanish into the recesses of my grandmother’s basement along with the other things she likes to save and hoard for posterity — a collection of molded straw hats, photos in slide form and various other knickknacks.

In addition to the academic minor pointlessness, my opponent’s platform apparently includes restoring reading week, making the YCC “stronger and more relevant” on campus, and overhauling alcohol policy. As a super-senior I have three things to say: Reading week/fall break is for drinking, YCC doesn’t matter, and when it comes to alcohol, always eat dinner first.

So here’s my suggestion for the betterment of Yale. It’s fucking nice outside, so everyone should be hanging out and chilling in the sunshine, preferably with some music and a beer or two. No matter how stressed you are, stop procrastinating with Netflix and messing around on your computer and GO OUTSIDE.

In order to push this initiative forward, I have created the Picnic Panlist. Our manifesto and welcome message is below. If you can figure out the new Google Groups situation, then you are welcome to join us. Let the riotous chilling begin!

“Welcome to the Picnic Panlist. You are receiving this invitation because you have either attended/expressed interested in picnics. Messages will be sent out to alert members when picnics are occurring (usually on Cross Campus). Message the group if you are organizing a picnic of your own, but please DO NOT SPAM!

‘A picnic is a pleasure excursion at which a meal is eaten outdoors (al fresco or en plein air), ideally taking place in a beautiful landscape such as a park, beside a lake or with an interesting view and possibly at a public event such as before an open air theatre performance, and usually in summer.’ — From the Wikipedia entry on picnics.

See you soon for drinking and sunbathing! If you would like to be removed from this panlist please email me.

For a Clean Candidacy

// BY YUVAL BEN-DAVID

Hello. My name is Yuval Ben-David, and I am running for president.

Listen closely. Do you hear the stirrings of a 2032 White House campaign?

No, you don’t. Kids, I’m not just using this as a stepping-stone to greater things. There are no greater things out there. This is it, the endgame: Yale College Council.

I’m not one of those vest-wearing brats who’s just gonna write about this on his “Grand Strategy” app. Nuh-no. I’m clean. I’m moral. I’m so dedicated to the YCC I read the salad dressing reports.

Speaking of which, that last one was a little short, don’t you think? (See what I did there? I asked you a question. I invited you to a “public discussion” about pressing issues. Democracy comes naturally to me!) Anyways, Mr. Gonzalez, I’d have really appreciated news on whether the blue cheese dressing is compatible with my gluten-free, macrobiotic diet.

I’m not going to make cheap promises, but allow me to outline some ideas:

1. Expand the alcohol “safety first” policy to marijuana. Under my command, the YCC will work aggressively to supply parties with pure, untainted medical marijuana. It’s ethical, too! No more of that blood-diamond Mexican stuff.

2. Work with Blue State to introduce a platinum membership for those of you who squat there, like me. (Perks will include preferred access to the comfy chairs.)

3. Send the Mafia after the folks at U.S. News and World Report who ranked Yale third.

4. Work with President-elect Salovey to find the most tactful way to avoid an athletic recruitment policy.

5. Expand grade inflation. You’re all above average. Ubermenschen, really. Way, way above average.

Thank you. God bless you, and God bless America.

Dear Leader: The eternally glorious hero Yale deserves

// BY KARIN SHEDD

To the Comrades of what will henceforth be correctly referred to as the Democratic People’s University of Yale (DPUY):

This Thursday, in a landslide election enacted by you, the loving Comrades, WEEKEND will take its rightful place as the Dear Leader* of the YCC, henceforth known as the Supreme Undergraduate Assembly (SUA).

As the hero responsible for single-handedly releasing Comrades from the oppressive yoke of the inferior Communists at Harvard, as well as establishing the DPUY in 1701, WEEKEND’s assumption of this title is not only deserved, but three centuries late.

As restitution for this late acknowledgment of WEEKEND’s birthright and to maintain the happiness and superiority of all Comrades, the following resolutions will be put into effect immediately:

1.     All media will be condensed under WEEKEND’s umbrella, with the exception of the communistic Rumpus, whose current staff will have the honor of serving as the practice run for resolution 5 (see below).

2.     The “$10K Challenge” will be officially renamed the “$10K Celebration of Our Heavenly Leader,” to be used every year for the purpose of honoring the deserving WEEKEND. This year, those funds will be used to correct the statues on Old Campus from the defectors Nathan Hale, Theodore Dwight Woolsey and Abraham Pierson to appropriate likenesses of the Dear Leader.

3.     Once a year, all Comrades will feel a powerful compulsion to pay homage to their Dear Leader by making a pilgrimage to the Dear Leader’s birthplace (202 York St.).

4.     All musical and performing arts groups will be condensed into the Company for the Adoration of Our Dear Leader. They will spend the whole year rehearsing for the annual Mass Games — a replacement of the communistic glorification of outsiders known as “Spring Fling” — for the purpose of celebrating our Dear Leader’s role in the glorious establishment of the superior DPUY.

5.     Ezra Stiles, Morse, Silliman and Timothy Dwight colleges will be restructured into re-education and rehabilitation camps for Comrades who fall out of line with any of the aforementioned resolutions.

All glory to the Dear Leader’s eternal reign over the DPUY!

*Alternative acceptable prefaces for the title “Leader” are any combination of the adjectives “Heavenly,” “Grand” and “Eternal.”

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