As some of you may be aware, each year Yale and Harvard engage in a storied sporting competition. In this competition, colloquially known as a “game,” each school’s American football team attempts to achieve victory by inflicting the maximum number of concussions on their opponent’s players. Naturally, our nation’s two foremost academic institutions have been engaging in this neuron genocide for millennia, and the notoriety of the contest has led to its being known as more than just a “game” but “THE Game.” Should you attend this event, you may see the two teams engage in certain premeditated maneuvers, also known as “plays,” aiming to maximize the head trauma suffered by their rivals. Here’s WEEKEND’s inside look at the two teams’ playbooks.
“The Cheat” — The team lines up in the Wildcat, but it turns out nobody read the playbook — they had all just been copying notes from some nerd in their section. Offensive lineman Adam Redmond says he thinks he remembers how this one goes, and everyone agrees to just follow his lead. At the snap, three wide receivers sprint down the field, but just as quarterback Colton Chappel is getting ready to unleash a bomb, he’s suspended for a breach of academic integrity. Everyone acts surprised; nobody actually is.
“The Endowment” — A play designed by former president Lawrence “Misogynist” Summers. Lining up to take a kick, Harvard inexplicably places all its fastest players at midfield. As a result, offensive lineman Adam Redmond ends up receiving the kick and makes it a grand total of 2 yards before being tackled. The Endowment continues to produce disappointing returns.
“The Elizabeth Warren” — Fed up with his team’s poor play and with Wall Street’s shameless manipulation of the market, offensive lineman Adam Redmond lines up over center and then suddenly quits the team to run for Senate. However, his campaign hits a snag when he is suspended for a breach of academic integrity.
“Sucking” — Harvard’s signature play, one that vaunted football mind John Madden called “effortless” for how naturally the Harvard players run it. “Nobody sucks like Harvard sucks,” Madden explains. The offense lines up with two in the backfield and quarterback Colton Chappel in the shotgun. At the snap, the whole team sucks. And not just the team: the students, the faculty, the administration and the alumni, even the dead ones — at the snap, they all suck. To be honest, they sucked before the snap. And they will still suck when the play is over. If you won’t take it from me, take it from John Madden: Nobody sucks like Harvard sucks.
“The Q-Pac” — Yale quarterback Eric Wil— wait, I mean Yale quarterback Henry Furm— no, no, Yale running/quarterback Tyler Va— you know what, fuck it. The Yale quarterback lines up in the shotgun with a three-wide set and two tight ends. The Harvard defense expects a short screen. The joke is thus on them when, at the snap, a horde of drunken Q-Pac students, who evidently mistook the Yale football bus for the Q-Pac shuttle, storm the field and mob Harvard offensive lineman Adam Redmond. Taking advantage of the confusion, the Yale quarterback heaves a mighty spiral downfield to the waiting arms of “star” wide receiever Cameron Sandquist, who trots into the end zone only to hear that holding has been called on the Q-Packers, who were, according to a referee, “very clingy.”
“The Fake Punt” — Yale lines up as if for a punt. But, as you’ve probably guessed, it’s a fake punt! The ball is hiked back to punter Kyle Cazzetta, who looks like he’s going to kick it. But, in a breathtaking about-face, he heaves it downfield! The pass, however, is invariably (a) incomplete or (b) intercepted for a touchdown. Everyone acts surprised; nobody actually is. Except coach Tony Reno, who really thought it was going to work this time. And offensive lineman Adam Redmond, who legitimately did not see it coming.
“The Fake Fake Punt” — Yale lines up as if for a punt. But, as you’ve probably guessed, it’s a fake punt! But, as you might have again guessed, the fake punt is also fake, and it’s just a normal punt! The ball soars downfield past the Harvard bench and bounces to the 15, where it probably would have ended up anyways. Nobody acts surprised, but everybody actually is, including Harvard coach Tim Murphy, who was expecting yet another real fake punt, and is also surprised to learn that he shares a name with U.S. Rep. Tim Murphy (R), Congressman for Pennsylvania’s 18th District.
“The Skull and Bones” – Nobody knows what happens in this play, but everyone wants to run it anyways. It probably involves heavy drinking. Only the president can call it.
“Having Fun” – Yale’s team lines up in the Wildcat. At the snap, the whole team looks like they are having a good time. So do Yale’s fans, many of whom are blitzed out of their fucking skulls despite the fact that it is barely noon. This spontaneous display of human emotion unnerves the Harvard team and fans, many of whom have not seen sunlight since they were admitted and can only express their feelings in binary. The Harvard team also suddenly realizes that, given Harvard’s comparatively lower elevation, their school will flood first when the ice caps melt. They realize as well that “Harvard University” can be rearranged to spell “H Varsity R Rude, Vain.” This so depresses them that they forfeit the game and become winos. All, that is, except offensive lineman Adam Redmond (D), Junior Senator from Massachusetts.