The good, the bad and the hot mess

Unless you are made of gold and just over one foot tall, you should not go to the Academy Awards naked. That being said, swans do not clothing make. So, movie stars who are reading this, take the advice of our experts and Clooney it up.

I’m sure you remember Heidi Klum’s red, silk taffeta Galliano gown from 2008. The structured collar, sleek bodice and wide train are simple elements when taken individually, but perfectly complex all together. Klum avoids the common faux pas of blending in with the Red Carpet by going a shade brighter. Her jewelry and hair complement the elegance of the dress and do not distract from its graceful lines.

If you’ve seen photos from any red carpet event, you know that the go-to worst dressed woman is always Diane Keaton. She is what I am forced to call a “hot mess.”

In 2004 she decided on a bizarre spin on a menswear suit, including a black tuxedo jacket with tails, pinstripe, high-waisted pants, a polka-dotted tie and matching handkerchief, a bowler hat, grey leather gloves and, we can’t forget, the white carnation boutonnière. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. Any red carpet outfit that includes this many pieces should always be ruled out.

This weekend, I hope to see more from Marchesa on the red carpet. The label, which designed the gorgeous eggplant dress that Eva Longoria sported at the Met Costume Institute Gala earlier this year, has been on the rise since its founding in 2004. The white V-neck chiffon caftan with an embroidered neckline from the Resort 2009 collection looks like a gown that Cate Blanchett would rock. She could definitely make it to the top of this year’s best-dressed list in something sheer and sophisticated. Watching the Oscars from the East Coast should, after all, make us lust after the California weather that allows celebs to wear caftans all year round.

P. Diddy, in a vested tuxedo that combined his own label “Sean Jean” and Dolce & Gabbana, managed to fuse two of the most common ways to screw up a tux: joining the Waiter’s Club and accessorizing with a diamond ring-and-earring combo. Diddy obviously had good intentions and decided to dress like a normal person for once, leaving the man-fur at home. Yet, there are a few things wrong with this outfit that so perfectly epitomizes how easily a tux can go wrong. The necktie is way too big. The vest is a failure — I’m having a hard time deciding whether his legs actually looked shorter than his torso in person. The pocket square may actually be the lining of the jacket pocket but inside out, and the finely trimmed facial hair isn’t helping either. And I can’t get over the whole waiter aura. I guess Diddy didn’t realize that there’s always a chance someone could ask him for more ice water.

What can I say, it’s George Clooney and everyone loves him slash wants to be him. Perhaps evidently, for the purposes of this review, he’s the best example of good tux-wearing skills. But it’s not like he has mastered the art for ages; two years ago he attended the Oscars in a notch lapel tux. He made a better choice in 2008: the Armani’s shawl lapel is continuous, smooth and classic. He looks comfortable. The arm length is perfect, the shoes are sleek, the necktie works with the overall outfit, and he shaved. Though I’m sure genes had something to do with this, it’ll be safe to take this picture and show it to your tailor.

This weekend, I want to see some velvet. To be more specific, I want to see a velvet jacket — never a full suit, like the one Ioan Gruffudd wore last year. I mean, no one can criticize a classic tux that fits well, but I feel like it must be boring to wear the same outfit e-v-e-r-y time. I’m thinking a deep-black velvet jacket with one or two buttons, perhaps a peak lapel and a nice, small necktie or a thin tie. The pocket square must be white, like the shirt underneath, and please: no vest. For footwear, something similar to the latest Salvatore Ferragamo patent leather, pointy-toe lace-ups would be best. The accessories should not be the first thing people look at, so the cuff links, studs et al. should remain mere complements.

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