January 24th, 2013 | University

FCC helps freshmen find love

The FCC is seeking to help freshmen find love.
The FCC is seeking to help freshmen find love. Photo by Jane Long.

When the very official Freshman Class Council decided to send out a very official Freshman Class Council newsletter last night, they must have smiled on their kingdom. With one click of a send button, they sent an arrow of love shooting out into cyberspace and into the eyes of every single person in the undergraduate population at Yale.

Yes, Yalies, it’s time for love and Freshman Screw! It’s time for love and Freshman Speed Dating! It’s time for love and spell-check, because residential is not spelled “residentital”! None of this should be news to you though, because the FCC, with their capable hands and leadership qualities, seems to have bcc’d classes of cynical upperclassmen (myself included) to their newsletter. At the bottom of the newsletter, it says, “If you have any Screw related queries, feel free to ask your local FCC rep!” So here are some questions that I pose to my FCC rep, whoever you may be:

Cunning FCC, is this cupid bcc blunder really just a secret ploy to make upperclassmen sob into our Diet Snapples as we contemplate our old age and own lack of love? After all, doesn’t the screw theme “Drop It Like F. Scott,” while brilliant, evoke a trip down memory lane where we realize that nine years have passed since we dropped it like it was hot on bat mitzvah dance floors? My darling FCC, when you call Freshman Screw “the esteemed dance,” are you just mocking our own lack of such shining optimism, because after Freshman Screw, no one really puts any effort into finding screw dates anymore? And FCC, when you use “unbeknownst” in your newsletter, I have to ask, is that just a very cutting-edge, so-old-fashioned-it’s-cool sort of thing (like Schwinn bikes and tortoise-shell glasses) to which only you brilliant youth are privy? Are we upperclassmen too mainstream to know to use “unbeknownst” in our propaganda material? Whatever, FCC, you can be hip with your optimism and cool lingo, we’ll just keep crying into our Snapples, pretending like we’re in “Girls.”

Calm down, I’m just teasing, FCC! A few more real questions though, because I am, according to this newsletter, still cordially invited to screw, and I want to be prepared. Is “screwmate” just a compound word for “screw date” and “suitemate,” i.e., is suite-cest encouraged? Will people at Freshman Speed Dating only blandly “participate in raffles,” I mean, will anyone win the raffles, or will we all just get participant medals? Will the participant medals be engraved? The silhouettes on your screw poster don’t show people grinding, but I really only know how to grind, so what do I do? In a similar vein, will you be offering lessons on how to do the Charleston during Freshman Speed Dating? Where can I purchase a feather headband? Perhaps most importantly though, what is Ivy Council?

In all seriousness though, I’m just jealous of your fabulous theme! Make Baz Luhrmann salivate FCC!