In the Face of Ever-Growing Stapler Cartels, Yale’s Staple Supply Dwindles to All-Time Low

A message from Chief Ronnell Higgins early Tuesday morning announced that the Yale Police Department has suffered a “major blow” in the ongoing fight against staple loss. The University has struggled for years to offer the best resources to each and every one of its undergraduates, but the effort to provide staples (and staplers) has been met with multiple setbacks.

“We talk of a time when a stapler — a full stapler — was present in nearly every computer lab,” Higgins wrote, “But today our staples leach from campus through disparate channels at alarming rates.”

In January 2017, Yale reported that the staple reserves were nearly empty, steadily disappearing into the shady world of underground staple rings, where “blood staples” are sold to the highest bidder at exorbitant prices.

Science Hill Wind Tunnel 2.0 Breaks Ground

A Science Hill landmark stands half-demolished on its foundations. Erected in 1955, Gibbs Laboratory began the first stage of a largely clandestine project undertaken by the University — a groundbreaking endeavor for physicists at the time — to construct the most powerful wind tunnel known to man. Kline Biology Tower served as the keystone of the project, yielding wind speeds that provided Yale researchers with an accurate model of Jovian storms.

“We’ve garnered invaluable data from the Science Hill Wind Tunnel over the years, and while it’s still in excellent condition, modern engineering technology is allowing us to make the next step,” reported physics professor Simon Mochrie on Monday.

Gibbs’s replacement, a biology building, will have main doors facing away from the Science Hill quad in order to avoid unfortunate accidents.

“Our models have shown that the new structure may be dangerous for students and small animals who wish to remain attached to the ground,” Mochrie continued.

Deputy Provost for Science and Technology Steven Girvin promises that the new Science Hill Wind Tunnel will reach wind speeds “up to three times faster than we previously thought possible,” and that “it’s a good thing no one uses the Science Hill courtyard anyway.”

The Becton Center Wind Tunnel will remain operational as researchers continue to study just how cold and dark an outside space can be without officially becoming a cave.

Yale CTL Loses Staff to Unexplored Labyrinth Discovered Beneath Sterling Memorial Library

The newly renovated and relocated Yale Center for Teaching and Learning has reported a massive reduction in staff as of Wednesday, with many yet to be located after descending into the labyrinth that borders their office. Recently excavated during the renovation, the labyrinth beneath Sterling library remains largely unmapped, with surviving expedition teams returning incoherent and deranged.

“As part of a world-class research institution, the CTL provides training, consultations and resources designed to make teaching and learning more public and collaborative,” Abby Goldblatt, senior human resources generalist, commented. She added, “Whatever horror lurks in those twisting walls, it shall not consume our spirit.”

Remaining members of the CTL report colleagues and coworkers suddenly “motivated by an unseen force” into the bowels of the maze.

“Once you see their eyes glass over, you know there’s nothing more you can do,” reports CTL staffer Daniel Jones. “One moment they’re filing paperwork, the next they’re heading blearily toward those dark gates, forever doomed to wander aimlessly within.”

An email sent by University President Peter Salovey reminded the student body of the available Mental Health Counseling resources, should anyone begin to feel the labyrinth’s eldritch pull.

Administration Exposes Pauli Murray College’s Lofty Tower as Optical Illusion, Only 30 Feet Tall

As construction nears completion on Yale’s two newest colleges, an eager community waits to explore them. Over the past two years, students and faculty alike have watched the colleges rise. The stark, neogothic veneer of Murray’s westernmost tower has served as the pinnacle of the project, strategically placed at the vanishing points of several surrounding New Haven streets. But a recent administrative email has left many in shock.

“Oh yeah, the whole thing’s only three stories,” reported site foreman Dave O’Reilly. “Just like at Disneyland, you know? It just gets tinier the higher you go.”

Rumors have been circulating that the administration was pressured to release the news following a disastrous social media response from a set of leaked photos published over the weekend.

“One of our boys was harnessed at the top of the tower, working on the masonry,” O’Reilly continued. “Of course, from the ground, he looked around 25 feet tall, and I guess someone snapped a picture.”