Bagels get even smaller. In a new initiative from the Yale Office of Sustainability, the size of bagels in Yale dining halls has been reduced to “bite-sized”.

New tenant is old tenant. The new tenant of 1 Broadway Ave., which has been vacant since the exit of Au Bon Pain last year, has finally been revealed: Au Bon Pain. “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” University Vice President for New Haven and State Affairs Bruce Alexander ’65 said in a statement.

Attempting the Grover Cleveland. With Yale College Council elections looming, former YCC President Brandon Levin ’14 has announced he will be entering  the race for YCC president. “There should always be one Levin in charge of things at Yale,” Levin said.

Grand Strategy revealed as Communist plot. Celebrated conservative professors Charles Hill and John Gaddis were uncovered to have formerly served as Soviet agents. When reached, Hill confirmed that the course has secretly been working to inspire the next generation of Marxist-Leninist leaders. “Give us the child for 8 years and it will be a Bolshevik forever,” he said.

Numbers are hard. Several hundred students who believed themselves to be enrolled in Structure of Networks (AMTH 160) discovered this week that they had in fact signed up to take graduate school course Network of Structures (AMTH 980), when they received an email referring to a scheduled final exam. Students interviewed expressed concern and dismay, saying they had no idea as they had never shown up in the first place.

There is meat in your mushrooms. A leaked Yale Dining memo revealed that the University has been supplementing a number of vegetable dishes with a finely blended meat mixture.

The Haunting of Hillhouse. University President Peter Salovey announced that he has been delaying his move into the president’s house at 43 Hillhouse Ave. because he believes the residence is haunted by ghosts of past University presidents. Money from the $17 million renovation has actually gone to the hiring of “ghostbusters,” Salovey admitted to all seven regular readers of “Notes from Woodbridge Hall” Monday morning. “The painting of Kingman Brewster just follows me with its eyes every time I walk past,” he said.

THIS DAY IN YALE HISTORY April 1, 2014. The News celebrates April Fool’s Day.

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