R u totally mad because u wer 2 busy/lame 2 leave ur suite 4 Halloween this year? It sux 2 miss out, especially ur missing out on The Campus Event of the Year: Halloween. Every1s out with their friends n family havin costume fun, and where were u? Inside, probly. So u don’t even kno wut happened at all on Halloween. Luckly, we hav friends hu DID go out and have had fun. So we hav them writing Here, right here and now, so u can find out all the fun u did not hav.
// Ghost-edited by Cody Kahoe and Caleb Madison
Your Presence is Not Requested
// by Andrea Villena
Following numerous hospitalizations and destructions of property, the Yale Symphony Orchestra has decided to cancel the annual YSO Halloween Show.
In an email sent out to the student body on Friday morning, YSO officers cited “rowdy” behavior and eight hospitalizations as the reasons behind the cancelation. Despite a YDN op-ed by producer Joan Rhee begging students to put down their flasks and listen to the music, co-eds donned ostensibly not-racist costumes and downed at least three full flasks in the minutes leading up to the show. In the words of one student, “HURRY UP MARK, OR YOU’RE GOING TO BE SOBER WHILE YOU WAIT IN LINE.”
The students weren’t the only thing messed up during the show, however. People stumbling out of the show complained loudly of audio and visual problems. Fake Name, ’14, said, “Have yu sene my friend? She’s drsed up as Khaleeeesi. I wAnt to og to SAE but I cunt findher!!?!”
This year’s Halloween Show bore many similarities to past events canceled because of alcohol use, like Safety Dance and Pierson’s Inferno. One unidentified student, dressed as campus celebrity The Poopetrator, shat off of first balcony, paying homage to both his costume’s inspiration and the student who also shat on the floor during last year’s Safety Dance. “Some of it splattered into my piccolo,” said a YSO freshman whom now no one will kiss.
Dean of Student Affairs Marichal Gentry expressed concern over the high number of alcohol-related hospitalizations, saying that eight students sent to Yale Health is “too high” a number. This means, Gentry explained, that a shocking total of 0.001886% of students in Woolsey were hospitalized. “We will definitely have to email out another one of those handy alcohol surveys,” Gentry said, “Those really help someone somewhere do something important, I think.”
The YSO has yet to say if they will replace their most popular and dangerous event with a safer alternative for next year. Gentry suggested a Spooky Halloween Tailgate Village, where students would gather on Beinecke Plaza for a performance by the Yale Precision Marching Band, which, if you can believe it, alcohol actually makes worse. “Sorry in advance,” said a YPMB spokesperson.
Brought to You By Your Dean
// by Emma Brennan-Wydra
Dear Students in Yale College,
The Yale College Dean’s Office is thrilled to present the following Halloween-themed events for undergraduate students.
Faculty Research Presentations: Real-World Terrors
Monday, Oct. 28, 7:30 p.m.
Start off Halloween week with a real scare! Professors from the Environmental Studies, Astronomy and Ethnicity, Race, and Migration departments will be giving brief talks on their most terrifying research findings. Topics include global warming, the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy that will someday engulf us all and genocide. A representative from the American Studies department will sit in the corner dressed as The Ghost Of Modern American Media Culture.
Avant-Garde Pumpkin Carving
Tuesday, Oct. 29, 7:00 p.m.
Faculty members and graduate students from the Art department will be leading a hands-on experimental pumpkin carving workshop. Whether you choose to channel Andy Warhol, evoke Salvador Dalí or create an aesthetic all on your own, you can be sure that your Jack-O-Lantern masterpiece will be truly one-of-a-kind. All pumpkins will be destroyed immediately following the carving, so that this performance cannot be replicated.
Roundtable Discussion: The Ethics of Halloween
Wednesday, Oct. 30, 6:00 p.m.
Are you still feeling bad about egging your FroCo? Wondering about the moral implications of Ding-Dong Ditch? Just looking to have an all-around fun, safe and ethical Halloween experience this year? Join Dean Marichal Gentry, Professor Shelly Kagan and the Communication and Consent Educators for a roundtable discussion on classic Halloween pastimes. Seating is limited; please reserve a spot in advance.
Skull and Bones’ Haunted House
Thursday, Oct. 31, 9:00 p.m.
Join Yale’s Halloweeniest senior society for a super spooky, totally terrifying tomb tour. As you trek through the hallowed halls, your ghoulish guides will tell tales of bygone Bonesmen. Think of a regular haunted house, but with more prestige and elitism. Be sure to BYOBones!
Tour of HGS Basement
Thursday, Oct. 31, 11:00 p.m.
Self-explanatory. Fucking terrifying.
Stay safe, and have a happy Halloween!
Dean Mary Miller
It’s Our Party
// by Jake Dawe
Halloween is difficult. We’ve been at this for around 20 years a pop, and it’s hard to keep your parties as fresh as the day you dressed up as Charmander in second grade. If you’re struggling, check out my list of possible party themes. Fear no more. Papa’s here for you.
Dead Pets Party:
Most of us grew up with pets in our house. Some people (me) witnessed horrific deaths involving freak accidents with a parakeet whose wings were supposed to be clipped and a ceiling fan. At this rager, everyone dresses like one of his or her dead pets — mode of death included. For example, I would dress as a parakeet with a hemorrhaging gash under my right wing where the ceiling fan blade struck me like a baseball bat.
The Donner Party:
You know the story. An 81-person wagon train heads to California. Winter hits a little early. Susie’s down and out. People are getting a little hungry. At first Susie was buried but then people start wondering how Susie tastes. Is she lean? Stringy? Fatty? Why not give her a try? What’ll it feel like to have her stuck in your teeth? What’s the worst that can happen? Oh, Cousin George froze to death, too? We wouldn’t want to leave him to waste, now would we? And Aunt Mary knows just a splendid little pâté recipe. Aunt Mary! Come on over here! Just dress up as a pioneer, lock the door of your party and start nibbling.
This one requires some preplanning. Figure out who’s coming to the party. An even number of guests will work well. Assign each person attending someone else on the list. No two people should have each other. Everyone will stalk their assigned person for one week and is required to take photos of them unseen. For example: Jessica sleeping, Jessica blowing her nose in Bass, Jessica crying on a bench, Jessica spraining her ankle as she falls off the stage at Toad’s, Jessica vomiting into an A1 french fry tin. Those sorts of moments. For the party, everyone prints out the most compromising photos of their assigned guest and tape them all over their own body. It’ll be a great conversation starter and everyone will be closer because of it. There won’t be any lawsuits.
Bill it as a normal Halloween party. Wear normal costumes. Play normal music. You, the host, will dress as a pro-Communist radical reverend. Depending on the size of the party, have about a quarter of the guests agree to collapse on the floor at a prescribed time. When talking with uninformed guests, slip the question “Did you try the Kool-Aid?” into conversation whenever you can. As people answer, walk away faintly murmuring “good, good” and “soon.” Leave canisters labeled “rat poison” throughout the party. At the prescribed time, the guests in on the joke will collapse wherever they’re standing, except for you. As the uninformed guests freak out, ask again about the Kool-Aid. Walk upstairs laughing and murmuring “good, good.”
Go have a blast. You’re welcome.
// by Ryan Bowers
Who was what now?
Your Section Asshole: This year, your section asshole is going as the protagonist of Virginia Woolf’s “To The Lighthouse for Halloween.” He knows that everyone was only assigned Mrs. Dalloway, but he feels like he can make some really interesting party conversation about “To The Lighthouse,” so he’s going to, damn it.
President Peter Salovey: This year Peter Salovey is wearing his full inauguration regalia and praying that a lightning bolt will strike Harkness Tower precisely at the twelfth strike of midnight, thereby fusing the robes to his skin and making him the “Supreme University President of Eternal Darkness” for the rest of time.
The Pundits: Probably something naked. What the f*#@ else do they do?
The Person Who You Haven’t Actually Hung Out With Since Freshman Year: This person was in your friend’s common room that one night three years ago, and you’re only 85 percent sure of their name (Is it Alex or Luke? Luke something, right?), but they’re still suggesting that you should go as the Thing 2 to their Thing 1. They will continue to make this suggestion until you awkwardly run into them at a party wearing different costumes.
Chief Ronnell A. Higgins: He’s definitely not going as a campus robbery. Those never happen, okay? Blue phones.
That Girl You Think Is Really Hot: You don’t get invited to the kinds of cool parties she does, but you’ll find out what her costume was when you Facebook creep on her next Monday.
Your TA: You’ll see them wearing something a little revealing on the way to GPSCY, which will force you to come to terms with the uncomfortable reality that all TA’s have genitals.
Unoriginal People: Walter White or Miley Cyrus. They’ll think it’s still funny, so just let them have this one.