WEEKEND found a sorority rushee, one who’d like to remain anonymous, and just let ‘er go at it. Here are her prospective applications:

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Dear Theta,

After a week-and-a-half-long juice cleanse, I am confident in saying that I should be America’s Next Top — I mean, your newest sister. I’ve, like, totally been putting my finger in my mouth for photos since before I even knew there was a Greek alphabet.

Friends would describe me as a “girl’s girl.” I always put my friends before boys, but that’s because I love making my boyfriend wait. Someone told me that guys like that other slutty sorority better, but girls would rather be in Theta. And I’m a girl. Get it?

Also, I already have a sister in real life, so I know what it means to treat someone like your sister. I already know that hooking up with the same person causes drama, so your sister should never find out.

Please accept my friends too! I swear they’re hot.

Peace. Love. Thetarade.

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What up, Pi Phi???

I’m a fun-loving girl looking to meet similar people! I played lacrosse through high school and am really missing that team bond. With Pi Phi, I hope to regain that lurvee connection, a sisterhood for life.

I want more of a traditional sorority feel, where girls attend all of the events and are just, like, happy to be there! I know I will! I also love dressing up, which I hear is your specialty. I will commit 100 percent to actualizing the themes. I already have my neon bras for Highlight.

Just like the girls in Pi Phi, boys have always loved me, but mostly because I’m approachable. No one has ever found me too beautiful to even bother talking to me. Shoutout to EGH and all my Buckley girls! PPL!

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Yo KKG!

Rushing you was a lot like going to a safety-school admissions talk. Between discussions of diversity, most girls knew they wouldn’t be spending their next four years with you.

I, however, felt right at home. I’ve always been on the fence about sororities, and my friends are giving me so much shit for rushing at all. I know they’re scared of rejection, but I’ve felt at home thanks to your owl-and-key love and plethora of applied math majors.

At those other sorority events, I was acutely aware of the lack of interest in how big my p-set group was, and felt like I was walking through a beauty pageant. More than just my ethnicity made me feel like a fish out of water.

I just really love making brownies with my sisters and going to bed at 11 p.m.

Kappa, I gotta crush on you.