One day, I was horny. I was in that place where I tend to be once or twice a week — a place in which I need to ejaculate. And I didn’t want to masturbate.

That place is purple. There, you just need to get off but you want it to be grand. Despite the fact that it will be a mess post-climax. Despite the regret and the knowledge that it would have been better to have just touched yourself. Now you have to worry about AIDS. Now you have to worry about a baby. Now you are but a sweaty remnant of a self that smells like someone else.

Still, you want to have sex. No strings attached.

But back to me: I wanted it, but I didn’t know where to get it. I needed some “thing” more than some “one,” but only “someone” could be that “thing.” Empirically, I needed to answer the question: where can I find someone who is willing to give me what I want?

I was scared at first of how fast I thought of an answer. The Internet seemed like the easy, sleazy way to go. But I wasn’t going to wait any longer, so I went to the one site everyone seems to talk about when it comes to finding sexual relief online. was just too perfect. There is no registration; in fact, the biggest obstacle I encountered in the process of contacting another horny soul was an “anti-bot box” with distorted text. Not very challenging.

But at that point, I realized I didn’t have any search parameters and there were too many options.

Men or women? Around my age or older? My race or other? What weight? What height?

I then made a list, and it became obvious: the only thing that mattered was that he/she was a Yalie. Honestly, I thought it’d make it less pathetic. Certainly it’d make it safer.


And so it began. To my surprise, there actually was a Craigslist market for sex at Yale, though only under “men seeking men.” No Yale ladies seem to frequent the purple place.

I went from a shy observer to an active poster in new haven craigslist > personals > men seeking men. In three days, it was a bookmark. One week later, I had mastered the acronyms: NSA (no strings attached), VGL (very good looking) and DDF (drugs and disease free).

I still remember my first find like it was two minutes ago.

Title: “just got in, looking to hook up.”

Age: 21.

Location: Yale. Body of post: “hey i just got back in and im pretty horny. im looking to hook up with someone. im 5’11’’, 160lb, white, bottom, cut. can host, send stats and we can go from there. hit me up if you want some hot action tonight.”

Ah, did I have some hot action that night.

Don’t fret, though. It’s not hard to find someone that will satisfy your libido. It only takes some practice and common sense.

With the ability to separate the too-sketchy-and-probably-on-acid from the not-so-sketch-and-probably-in-the-same-situation-as-I-am, you will succeed. Mainly because those on acid will flat-out state it in their posts.


Title: “Nasty Que Dawg,” age: 23. Body of post: “To be as candid as possible I want to bust several nuts tonight. I want to eat sum ass get my ass ate suck some dick get my dick sucked, kiss, hug, and cuddle (not necessarily in that order) I am interested in black males and black males only (just my preferance [sic]) Get at me if you want to do that. Holla at your boy. Very educated in grad school at Yale so you must be able to hold a conversation and be VERY DISCREET. Poppers or acid also a plus.”

Yale student or not, Nasty Que Dawg (NQD from now on) is the classic example of a user most will ignore. Let’s break it down.

It’s okay to obviate apostrophes and/or punctuation in a Craigslist post. That doesn’t make you less attractive. What is wrong, though, is to fail at basic grammar (exhibit A : “get my ass ate”) or to clearly ignore the spelling of some words (exhibit B: “preferance”).

NQD does both, and he still dares to boast to be a Yale grad student looking for someone “able to hold a conversation.” In the personality department, however, NQD’s biggest mistake is to be plain sketchy (exhibit C: “Holla at your boy,” or even better ­— exhibit D: “poppers or acid also a plus”).

There’s more. NQD goes funny ­— exhibit E: “not necessarily in that order.”

Never go funny in your posting, and never contact anyone who does. These people should be getting your attention with facts about themselves (“stats”), such as physical description and interests ­— not jokes.

Also, the post itself is too long. You are looking for someone with a clear goal (NSA sex), who is able to describe it in a maximum of three sentences. NQD is cocky, picky and stupid. You don’t want to fuck that.

Now take:

Title: “toned top looking to play.”

Age: 25.

Body of post: “6’0, 150, dirty blond/hazel toned top looking to fool around tonight. yalies are definitely preferred. send a face pic for a response. very discreet here, and i expect the same.”

Now, “toned top” knows what he’s looking for. He’s also given you information about himself, and even added a picture (one of those mirror self-pics) of everything but his face.

He is being demanding in that he wants a picture of your face when he’s not showing his own, but hey, he’s “very discreet.” You don’t want everyone to know you go on Craigslist for these purposes, do you?

It’s funny how most (allegedly) Yale-affiliated Craigslist users claim discretion. No one wants to be out there, and it takes good effort to finally receive a picture of a face — around 4-5 e-mails good effort. And when it comes, the prize is most probably a very old, very blurry picture of someone else.

Still, Yale students abound on Craigslist, particularly during the weekends. There are those who want “to eat sum ass and get sum head” and those who are “looking to suck after class.” Perfect matches.

Then there’s the VGL athlete: “looking for other athletic guys on campus only,” and that for whom one is not enough: “maybe we can get a few guys over here at my single.” Like Toad’s Place, online.

But my absolute favorite, probably the saddest one at the same time, reads: “just looking for someone to cuddle and kiss.” Swoon.

With so many options and nothing to lose but self-respect, celibacy can no longer be blamed on a lack of opportunity. Craigslist exists — stop fucking yourself.