Tag Archive: Horoscopes

  1. How to survive the stars this April

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    Aries

    “Some say love, it is a river –” but if you haven’t even stepped in a puddle or two, it’s your own damn fault. Spring is the time to find some and find it fast. Dig your personality up from wherever you left it last time it was over 30 degrees and make some new friends.

    Taurus

    The bull is considered a fertility symbol, so be careful with the lovin’ this springtime. No need to come back from spring break with more than a tan. If you’re not looking for love but have a very fertile mind, for Pete’s sake, stay in the library — it’s a battlefield out there.

    Gemini

    Too much of anything can be toxic, so if you’re feeling like Britney on a bad day, invest in a little sleep. Honestly, what are the average hours per night slept on this campus? Four? Stress might be a necessary component of your perfectionist life, but if you don’t watch it, y’all are gonna have heart attacks by the age of 35.

    Cancer

    Those around you may be sensitive to criticism this month, and it is advisable that you not mention for the millionth time that you have a great internship lined up with Goldman Sachs for the summer. Pretend to be really interested in recycling or something else liberal to maintain social homeostasis.

    Leo

    You and your beloved are so happy that it’s springtime that you promenade through the beautiful muddy streets beneath the wondrous dreary skies holding hands and singing. Get the hell out of here.

    Virgo

    Was there something you were looking for this semester besides summer employment? Ah, a sex life. Well, good luck finding one. The stars have heard that the business school is a good place to look for something you only want to find once, but for the creeps among you there’s always Bulldog Days.

    Libra

    Planning to start an NGO in a third-world country? What do you people eat for breakfast, ambition or amphetamines? From the way you’ve been grinding your teeth, probably a little of both. Nothin’ says lovin’ like a toothless, agitated over-achiever.

    Scorpio

    Asking people what they did over spring break is no way to start a conversation. If you do not variegate your social skills, the stars foresee the Yale Students for Christ besieging you with conversations about Jesus, and possibly also summer internships at Goldman Sachs.

    Sagittarius

    C-c-c-c-cold hearted? Thanks to Yalestation the dating scene here is as hot as the weather. Fortunately, Betty Dodson has a new book: Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. Take it from a 74-year-old woman with a 27-year-old boyfriend.

    Capricorn

    Your online stars (http://www.swoon.com/horoscopes) say to ‘do your best to find the balance between being guardedly optimistic and the proverbial “bird in the hand” being “worth two in the bush.”‘ What this means is unknown, but it is likely that you will be totally screwed by some unforeseen disaster and your outlook on life will change for the worse. AHAHHAHHAHAHA.

    Aquarius

    It is likely that you will sleep through Natural Hazards for all of this month. This will have a negative affect on your physical health, as you will no longer learn the secrets of the baseball team’s workout schedule. Compensate by sleeping even more to burn calories.

    Pisces

    If the most exciting adventure you’ve had in a while was your last trip to Gourmet Heaven, it’s time to spice things up. Will you be the reason Security gets called on stage this year at Spring Fling? Probably not, but consider yourself a success if you make it through the day without talking about finals.

    Olivia Ciacci is a junior in Morse and she would like to you know that if you think that any of these personally pertain to you, it must be because she’s totally psychic. For serious.

  2. Horoscopes for the New Year

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    In this post, the cosmic guidance from horoscopes is like a glimpse into the mystical realm, offering intriguing insights into the intricate tapestry of our lives. Just as the stars paint a vivid picture of each zodiac sign’s journey in the New Year, the ancient art of psychic reading and tarot cards provides another avenue for seeking guidance and revelations. While horoscopes give a broad overview, a love tarot spread, for instance, delves deeper into matters of the heart, unraveling the intricacies of relationships and emotions. Much like the whimsical dance of celestial bodies, tarot cards unveil hidden truths and offer a unique perspective on the paths that lie ahead. So, whether you’re a steadfast believer or a curious seeker, both horoscopes and tarot readings invite you to explore the enigmatic forces that shape our lives and stir our souls.

    Aries

    The stars offer mixed advice for you in the New Year: now is the time for you to get busy — as in first thing this morning — but not too busy. Moving forward too soon is the same as moving backward. Don’t disappoint any celestial bodies this year: take your time and do it right.

    Taurus

    The stars have heard you moaning and grunting in the Payne Whitney Gymnasium, and they would like you to shut up. Just because you can lift a bull doesn’t mean you should sound like you’re making out with one. And bring a towel next time. Thanks.

    Gemini

    You look thrilled to be back at school. But how do you really feel? Are you expressing yourself to those around you? Or are you completely incapable of any emotion other than “thrilled”? Don’t push the envelope with the New Year’s resolutions this year: it’s OK to be a permanently happy person, as long as you share your prescription.

    Cancer

    You’re supposed to be making some life-defining decisions this month, Cancer, so don’t screw up your entire future. This does not include what courses you wind up taking, because college is the new high school. It won’t prepare you for anything except spending more time and money on further education. Congratulations.

    Leo

    You may be a little touchy this month, so refrain from letting your emotions get the best of you. Be especially on your guard against appearing disgusted, as schwarmy creeps often interpret disgust as flirtatious interest. If you happen to be a schwarmy creep, keep your hands off of your best friend’s ex. It’s just a bad idea.

    Virgo

    Don’t box yourself in this month. The stars advise leaving campus during the second two weeks of the month. If this horoscope is published after those two weeks, sucks for you. Remember Jessica Simpson, and challenge your fears: dolphins, water, whatever. No matter what you do, at least you’ll never be that stupid.

    Libra

    The online stars (elle.com) say that even though you claim you’re not flirting, most people are on to you. Just because your room has no heat and the pipes keep bursting doesn’t mean that you have to spend every night in a different person’s room. You might have better luck whoring yourself to your residential repairman.

    Scorpio

    You may experience a changing sense of identity and direction in life this month, especially if you made a bunch of stupid New Year’s resolutions. Your new situation probably won’t be any better than your old one, but it will probably annoy the hell out of your friends. If you live in a constant state of denial you should manage to pull through just fine.

    Sagittarius

    Your mannerisms are likely to be witty and engaging this month, possibly because you’ve become an alcoholic over winter break. Bourbon is an excellent way to keep warm, and sambuca tastes good in coffee. Sober up and you’ll most likely lose your newfound personality.

    Capricorn

    The stars recommend expressing yourself this month, but not necessarily in words. Grunts and other sub-human utterances ought to save you the trouble of meaningless conversations as effectively as large lecture courses. Slogan t-shirts, as always, should be avoided.

    Aquarius

    The online stars state that “Your position continues to get stronger.” But if you think it’s getting stronger, it definitely won’t. Flexibility is key. Invest in various positions without committing to a specific one. You won’t be disappointed unless you’re a schwarmy creep hitting on your friend’s ex.

    Pisces

    There’s no point to getting in arguments with friends, family members or peers this month, because you’ll lose. You’ll probably waste a lot of time, too, which you’re going to need to spend on all the classes you should have taken earlier in your illustrious college career.

     

  3. Horoscopes

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    Online horoscopes quoted from:

    http://horoscopes.astrology.com/dailyscorpio.html

    Aries

    You may have been stuck in a rut lately. In which case it’s time to try something new, because it’s so easy to break out of one sphere at Yale and enmesh yourself in another incestuous pit of writhing snakes. But don’t be discouraged, you are The Ram: you need danger and excitement. So do get out there and embarrass yourself. It’ll be fun.

    Taurus

    No joke, your online stars say that you are “stuck with a bad choice. Pretend all you want, but the feeling that you could do something more stays with you. The weekend brings you better opportunities.” Which means it’s time to tell that bad hookup the “truth” and keep on fishin’.

    Gemini

    Unfortunately, your excessive socializing may have landed you on the wrong end of Taurus’ week — time to reevaluate your social agenda. The stars suggest losing the agenda. Only freshmen actually go to see all of their friends’ shows. The more shows, the more parties, the more times you will become Taurus’ bad hookup.

    Cancer

    “Who ya gonna call?” No one, because e-mail is a much better way to be misunderstood. Such is your fate this month, because even if you don’t type anything you wouldn’t say in real life, the things you say in real life are so heinous they couldn’t possibly be adequately conveyed via e-mail. Work on that.

    Leo

    The stars say that it’s time to be selfish. So push that fool out of your way, and go talk to your object of desire. It’s not as if you won’t totally humiliate yourself after two seconds of attempted flirtation. And don’t share your cash/drugs/alcohol this month. Mooch off your friends. What do they need it for, anyway? They’re just studying for finals —

    Virgo

    It’s all a vicious cycle. School = finals = stress. You break out from the stress and get a facial, and the facial makes you break out. You get another facial and you look so good you go out and hook up with someone. Hookup = neglect of skincare routine = breakout. Or, hookup = nasty = more stress = breakout. Might as well stay in, study, and be ugly.

    Libra

    “F*** what I said, it don’t mean s*** now — F*** you you h*, I don’t want you back –” Right, the stars would like to request that you please stop playing the “F*** It” song by Eamon on repeat. It’s your own damn fault that you loved a h*. No one wants to hear about it if it happened more than five minutes ago.

    Scorpio

    Oh, dear God: “Self-pity widens the gap that you should be working to narrow. If you’re going to complain, some people would rather skip the conversation altogether. Individualistic Scorpio does best when fitting in.” In other words, kiddo, you’re absolutely awful, so try to be someone else.

    Sagittarius

    Stop complaining about the fact that no one can guess your sexual orientation. At least they’re asking! And besides, giving yourself an air of mystery makes you all the more — intriguing? If you’re too mysterious, no one will bother to hit on you, so maybe it’s time to become a little more aggressive.

    Capricorn

    Consider the consequences of your actions this month. If you smile at absolutely everyone you see, how are they supposed to know you hate them? Unless you’ve got something nasty tatooed to your forehead, they’ll never guess.ÊIt’s not such a horrible thing to only spend time with people you genuinely like.

    Aquarius

    This month, recognize that it’s possible to get through the day without a definite opinion on everything. But when an unwanted acquaintance shows up somewhere unexpected, ditch the open mind and give ’em hell. You can always blame it on finals.

    Pisces

    Online horoscope: “Unconventional Pisces stands alone. If the thought of isolation bothers you, wait a few days before expressing your strange ideas. By going incognito, you can learn more about the mainstream.” Translation: Freak, figure your own mess out before burdening the rest of society with your need to be “special.” Disguise yourself as an egomaniac and surely you will discover just how mainstream you are.

  4. Nov.: Even your lucky stars can’t take you far

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    The stars consulted astroabby.com for some of this month’s horoscopes.

    Aries

    Physical activity is good for Fire Signs, supposedly facilitating awareness and understanding. So watch the baseball game from the treadmill in the gym, because you need to be aware of what that couch is doing to your midterm-weary body.ÊAnd how are you going to get any understanding if you spend all your nights on the couch?ÊYou should look to the stars, who are out every night — (bad pun, we know, sorry!)

    Taurus

    Your sign has powers of persuasion, so either persuade Aries to hit the parties with you, or persuade yourself to put some clothes on before you go out, because it is getting cold.ÊJust because you think your midriff looks good doesn’t mean you should display it in freezing weather.ÊSpend a night or two inside this month — this campus is sick enough.

    Gemini

    You have the great gift of making others feel loved and respected, except for when you are entirely self-centered and annoying. You’re probably the reason certain “very special” dining halls have banned cell phones. How important are you, anyway? Do you write the horoscopes?

    Cancer

    According to the stars, you need to let go of something that’s been a part of your identity for the past seven years, like that OMC CD from 1996.Ê”How Bizarre,” you are completely out of touch with pop culture. Where do you go to school again?

    Leo

    It’s starting to get cold and you need someone to keep you warm. Luckily, the love of your life will appear suddenly before your eyes — just make sure he doesn’t get in them. (And if he does, Visine.) If you know the love of your life is a female, go ahead and hook up with as many as you can. The stars are sure you’ll find her that way.

    Virgo

    You’re supposed to trust your intuition, except when it leads to puking all night and winding up at University Health Services.ÊAccording to the stars, you have great inner strength, which hopefully your acid-ridden thorax hasn’t exhausted. Conserve whatever’s left and abstain from the alcohol this month — at least until Thanksgiving.

    Libra

    According to the online stars, “when you have friends, you have hope.”ÊFriends are not people you plan to use for sex, they’re people you plan to use for lecture notes and/or alcohol. Try and take some notes between now and the Thanksgiving holiday, otherwise you will completely piss off what few friends you have left and flunk finals.

    Scorpio

    You may think you’re physically irresistable, but if you’re a heterosexual male on this campus with the gift of speech, you probably don’t even have to wash your hair to interest a conquest in your elusive charms. The “Jack Black”-effect will be going strong for all sexual orientations this month.

    Sagittarius

    This is not a good month to be a loner: ease up on the caffeine-driven nights in the weenie bin and get outside once in a while. There’s an old adage: “Rhodes scholars are individuals with great futures behind them.” Might as well follow in Clinton’s footsteps and give yourself a few opportunities to not inhale.

    Capricorn

    The online stars say to prepare yourself for scrutiny this month.ÊOf every kind.ÊSo just when you think you’ve recovered from being shot down numerous times and receiving less-than-perfect grades, you’ll arrive home for Thanksgiving in time to be told to have a piece of fruit instead of pumpkin pie. Have fun.

    Aquarius

    If you’re a senior, start working your connections and find yourself a job. If you’re not a senior, quit complaining and get over yourself — Yale is a bubble.ÊWhat passes for panache is often alcoholism driven by a complete misunderstanding of social interaction.

    Pisces

    You should be attracting fascinating people this month, so hopefully you won’t bore them to death with the standard “I’m so tired/I’m so stressed out /I got so drunk last night.”ÊThe stars predict you’ll be boring them to death with “So — going to Harvard-Yale?” Way to live up to Aquarius’ standards.

    Olivia Ciacci is a junior in Morse College.

  5. How to Survive the Stars: September

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    This month’s horoscopes found astrological tutelage in the universe of the Internet. I expanded on them. A little. http://www.horoscopes.astrology.com

    “Popularity never hurt anyone in your position.” Probably because you were — and most likely still are — a huge dork and are just realizing that people can enjoy your company despite your defects. Didn’t you ever see the 80’s movie Can’t Buy Me Love? All you need is a telescope, some extra cash, a bottle of wine, and a complete makeover. Then some really cool person will want to have sex with you. Ahem, honest–

    “The time has come to stand alone, whether or not you deserve the isolation.” If you’re a freshman, you may be feeling a little too isolated, alone in the common room while your roommate thumps his or her bed against the wall. The stars foresee that some day you will grow to appreciate this isolation, and wish that you were in fact alone — far, far away from all the people who annoy you. Just give it a few weeks.

    “Remember first names and know exactly when to use them.” For example, don’t use the wrong first name. If you do use the wrong first name, for pete’s sake don’t insist that the nameless blonde looks “just like” her brunette friend. Your sign is the twin — you should place special emphasis on differentiating between all of the vastly unique individuals on this beautifully almost-diverse campus.

    “Focus your energy on the things that inspire or flatter you.” Step one: don’t buy pants that don’t fit you. High(er)-waisted pants are coming back, but for those less interested in fashion, let the stars define the “waist:” it’s that area above your hips. For many, this is the slightly paunchy part that hangs out over pants that don’t fit. If you aren’t a depressed alcoholic yet, buy pants a little bigger for the end of the semester.

    “It’s time to be bold and bright. Your inner Lion prances and roars.” Probably because you’ve been starving that Lion for a couple weeks to get the most out of your Yale rebate checks and lose that last five pounds left over from summer debauchery. Or maybe you’re just one of the bold and the bright who are absolutely oblivious to how depressed you really are. Keep searching, Leo, the stars are certain you’ll find your disorder yet.

    “Follow an unexpected course to throw others off your trail. You might even like what you find yourself doing.” You’re either psychotic and think you actually have a trail, or you’re enrolled because of your parents’ illegal connections. Like you’re going to find yourself doing anything but claiming your name is John Nash or trying to buy drugs?

    “This is a month that bodes well for people who are paid to use their brains.” What week isn’t? It’s not like you were contemplating selling your body to the night. Take off that red dress, Roxanne — you get to keep on using that good ol’ brain this week. But watch out for weekends (i.e., Thursdays through–?), because that naughty red dress might wind up on a Yale Web site somewhere Mommy and Daddy can Google it.

    “Strange consequences are easier to understand when you accept your role in creating them.” So when you wake up with God-knows-what, try and think back to the last time you were sober.

    “The stars, and in fact the universe in general, are doing you a big favor.” This sentence may not be grammatically correct, but it’s right on target otherwise: thank the whole goddamn universe that you aren’t out there on the corner every night with Libra. No, you’ve been spared the evils of the night for days spent with Gemini, trying to make sure you remember everyone’s name. Congratulations.

    “Someone pushes past you, breaking your concentration. Raw materials increase in price as the supply shrinks.” Dead honest, that’s what the online stars say for you this month. Maybe you’re supposed to take an econ course or something. Either that, or some huge-ass raw materials are right behind ya.

    “You can abuse your power just as easily as you acquire it.” But you won’t be acquiring any, Aquarius, because you’ll be just barely up on your feet when BOOM, midterms hit. The elusive concept of power is something you’ll be chasing with either caffeine or mescaline.

    “You should be delighted to mind your own business.” So spend the month figuring out whatever your own business is, and leave the rest of us alone. Except Taurus, who’s in the market for a partner to help make her own thump sounds.

  6. How to Survive the Stars

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    Aries

    The stars can see that the April snowstorms depressed you, but that doesn’t mean you have to go see ‘Bend It Like Beckham’ every night to shock yourself out of your bad mood. In fact, it’s probably contributing to that nervous twitch you’ve developed. Try skipping class and sleeping all day. It works much better.

    Taurus

    Just because the semester is almost over and you’re going to have to almost never see your boy/girlfriend, sort-of boy/girlfriend, seeing-someone-without-a-title-friend, person-you’re-not-seeing-but-sometimes-sleeping-with, or favorite-person-who-doesn’t-really-ever-talk-to-you is no reason to cry. You’ll either stay together or keep in touch from prison. Good luck with those court appeals.

    Gemini

    Retrograde motion of several planets suggests that you don’t want to do jack this time of the year, Gemini. Nevertheless you seem to fixate on odd activities. You’ve got a nasty cold, but that hasn’t kept you from standing out in the pouring rain dressed like the Grim Reaper on a bad day, freaking people out for no good reason. Take some Nyquil and and save the mask for person-you’re-not-seeing-but-sometimes-sleeping-with.

    Cancer

    Are you the jerk who went to a CD Cafe party and broke somebody’s toilet upstairs? During “The Strike”? Yeah — the stars think you are. Way to be a worthless human being, defecating all over the place and breaking toilets. Is this how you’re going to behave when you’re alone all summer, hitting on your little sister’s best friend? Get your intestines stapled before you go out next time. Thanks.

    Leo

    It’s the end of the year, Leo. You barely survived spring break and your glorious return to campus, but you’re still alive — crumpled up semi-conscious on a couch somewhere. Time to pick yourself up off that couch, because Spring Fling is coming — a time when you can lose track of your whereabouts and sprawl, nearly comatose, in an entirely new location out-of-doors.

    Virgo

    Virgo, it’s been a rough year for you. The stars want to have pity, but watching your life turn all pear-shaped has been far too humorous. It’s not all that bad, but that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder certainly hasn’t helped you keep things in perspective. Time to let loose, have a good time, and get a shrink.

    Libra

    Milkshakes, Libra, milkshakes. The stars foresee lots and lots of milkshakes. They’re good for upset stomachs caused by anxiety, hangovers, caffeine addictions — you name it. Why are the stars being nice to you and no one else? Because you’re going to look like the marshmallow man in your bathing suit this summer. Try not to melt in the sun.

    Scorpio

    Scorpios are prone to jealousy and competitiveness, but already studying for your finals is just plain disgusting. The stars can see you, Scorpio, and their stomachs are writhing in horror. Daytime television is your only hope of redemption. The stars would like to suggest the Evangelical Channel — it’s a hoot.

    Sagittarius

    The stars know you forced your project partner to coordinate both the color and size of her index cards with yours, Sagittarius, and that’s just wrong. They also know that you’ve been making drunken phone calls to Staples, and that’s even worse. You couldn’t be more wrong, unless you were in on the toilet break-in with Cancer, who is probably your only friend. Make some new friends, and fixate on Life. It’s worth it.

    Capricorn

    You’re hard-working, even near the close of spring semester, but that’s not why your nights are so lonely. It’s because you’ve been sleeping in one of the weenie bins in CCL every night, drooling on your laptop and sitting on sixty of the five hundred books you checked out for your senior essay. Congratulations, you’ve finished. Now get out of the bin and take a shower — you really smell.

    Aquarius

    No, the stars don’t care what you are doing for the summer, Aquarius, and neither does anyone else. So stop asking what other people’s plans are just so you can show off yours. The Yale Bookstore has just the solution: “Getting Along With Others: Charts and Tips to Help you Teach Social Skills to Children and Reward Their Good Behavior.” Good luck.

    Pisces

    Happy belated birthday! Did you get drunk? Great! That’s exciting. Did you do something embarrassing, write about it, and then e-mail it to everyone in your Daily Themes class? That’s even better. Did it end up in a school publication? Yeah, your folks must be proud. Learn how to do something new this summer — something worth writing about.

  7. How to Survive the Stars: February

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    Aries

    You tend to attract others and choose your loves by sight and their mental qualities. At Yale, these two qualities are often found best when intoxicated. But while you please and stimulate, you never satisfy. Could it be the whiskey? You’ll be lucky if you can even get started. Fickle, your primary interest is conquest. Think Abraham Lincoln, Perry Como, Mia Farrow, Henry Luce. You are so not hot right now.

    Taurus

    There is no such thing as platonic love for you, stud. Nor do you have any sense of shame. Perchance you have an inflatable sex pig? But once you find yourself in a relationship, you do tend to be rather conventional. Your famous co-signs are Paul McCartney, Jean-Paul Sartre, Warren Beatty, and Charlie Chaplin, among others. Best to stay away from Beatles’ songs this month — try something a little more romantic. The pig will appreciate it.

    Gemini

    You are essentially rational, and rarely like to be touched or fondled. Fondling is downright gross anyway. You also have a short attention span; intellectual about love, you tend to love in mind or spirit, but not the body. Sound familiar? Has anyone here not overanalyzed a relationship before it even had a chance to happen? On the bright side, your admirers come in pairs or even in large numbers, like those of Dr. Spock, Ringo Starr, and Kafka. Hahahahahahaha.

    Cancer

    You need love, dude. You’re very emotional, but you just sit there waiting for the love to come to you. With that attitude, the only thing that’s going to come on, er, to you is some random person at Beta, and that’s only ’cause they won’t be able to get through the door without rubbing up against every part of your body unintentionally. Look to the memoirs of your fellow Cancers for advice: LBJ, Napoleon, and Louis Armstrong.

    Leo

    You tend to dominate those you love. But, you’re big-hearted, magnetic, noble, decent, and humanitarian, so being dominated by you may not be all that bad. As fellow lions, Leo Tolstoy and William Faulkner must have felt the same way you do — lonely. Time to read up on Russia and the South to remind yourself of your potential to affect humanity. Or you could just corner Cancer at Beta.

    Virgo

    Your famous co-Virgos are a little intimidating: Fidel Castro, Chiang Kai-Shek, and Ernest Hemingway. No wonder you tend to be cerebral, cold, and put more head than heart into love. Anyone who puts too much head into anything needs to learn how to reciprocate. Think pickup lines: “Hey, my name is Chiang Kai-Shek, and I’m here to conquer your world.”

    Libra

    All love is sacred to you, but you’re so darn refined and subtle that you are often misunderstood. You also have a horror of anything ordinary — Astrology for Adults says you tend to resort to perversions because you are so imaginative. Hopefully you’re not pulling any Picasso-like moves on girls with four heads and blue noses. Other Libras include Oscar Wilde and Petula Clark — not a bad combination if you need to loosen up.

    Scorpio

    So your Scorpio compatriots are Gandhi, Billy Graham, and Marie Antoinette. You love intensely — “in the physical sense,” according to Astrology for Adults. Hope Billy Graham doesn’t find out. But those of the scorpion “dissipate relentlessly and are frequently degenerates or drunks. Most of you overdo when it comes to sex.” Now that’s what you call Christian charity. The stars say: shack up with Virgo this Valentine’s Day.

    Sagittarius

    You have brilliant but ephemeral love; you just don’t want to be tied down. Such a description hardly calls to mind Eisenhower, Douglas MacArthur, or Charles de Gaulle, but apparently, they share your sign. Joan Baez — now that’s a little more believable. Only the most subtle and intense ploys will attract you, so try staring out of the window of Koffee Too? like an over-caffeinated, sophisticated zombie. That’s really hot.

    Capricorn

    Supposedly, moral beauty appeals to you more than a great rack or a hot bottom, but seeing how you spend most of your waking hours in search of a good time, there’s probably something else you find more appealing. Other Capricorns are Frank Sinatra, Joan of Arc, Richard Burton, and J.D. Salinger — now don’t tell me you don’t like to get your party on. Next Valentine’s Day, try talking to a hooker all night in a hotel room.

    Aquarius

    Your Aquarius companions include FDR, Lord Byron, Henry Matisse, Sammy Davis Jr. and Lady Bird Johnson. Ain’t you a sexy b****. According to Astrology for Adults, “When Aquarius is afflicted — there is a tendency to have love affairs with all and sundry.” Just as long as you don’t take it to Byron’s extreme (his sister, everyone in the world), you should be fine.

    Pisces

    Barbra Streisand, Shirley MacLaine, Victor Hugo, George Washington, Richard Nixon, Adlai Stevenson, Ronald Reagan, Van Gogh — you Pisces are all sensitive people. You just keep on giving, never asking for anything in return, probably because you’re either masochistic, passive-aggressive, and/or have only one ear. So you were alone on the 14th: Valentine’s Day is a commercial holiday invented by Hallmark and the Catholic Church. Give it a rest and take your medication.

    Note: This month’s horoscopes rely on the astrological genius of Vassar graduate Joan Quigley’s book, Astrology for Adults.

  8. Horoscopes

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    By Olivia Ciacci

    Our resident Miss Cleo

    Aries

    Whoa there, cowboy, don’t lose your grip on that saddle-of-sanity just yet — you’ve got a whole new year to wear it thin. Speaking of saddles, you probably won’t be doing much sober riding this time of the year. A little stumble in your swagger might make everyone else look just a wee bit better, but don’t count on it. Make sure you fit a nice group IV into your spring semester schedule — an early-morning trek up science hill might be a good excuse to run away from whatever you woke up with.

    Taurus

    You’ve been meditating the whole darn vacation. Balanced people like you are so obnoxious — maybe the stars will provide the rest of us with a bit of entertainment and thwart you. Keep an eye out, Taurus. Your outer facade of calm is quite a blatant attempt to compensate for the reality of your existence. Go ahead and surround yourself with mood lighting and fake hookahs from Urban Outfitters — it’s not going to do you any good. Not even photography can save you now.

    Gemini

    You must be so excited to choose some new courses! Think of all the new people you’ll meet! Wait, will people think you’re a social climber? Who are you trying to be friends with, and why? Take a course on personality or popular culture and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to be considered a social climber — better than not being considered at all. If that doesn’t work, take an intro language class. Not being able to speak the language equals not being able to screw yourself over by speaking.

    Cancer

    Like nearly everyone else at Yale, you thrive on the exchange of feelings — more specifically, your own — because if someone else has feelings that are more worthy of attention than yours, he’s probably even more mental than you are. You might want to stay away from seminars this semester, unless you’re feeling up to the challenge of listening to others long enough to convince them you like them. Chances are you’ll get stuck with a bunch of Geminis, and then you’ll really hate life.

    Leo

    Could you not force your friends to coordinate their schedules with yours? And no, this is not the time to calculate how much more likely you are to be a Rhodes Scholar than anyone else you know. If you don’t have years of travel, your own Olympic medal, several books published, and a genuine personality, chances are you should shut up to save what few friends you have, and take a childhood development course so you can figure out where your parents went wrong.

    Virgo

    Got your New Year’s resolutions posted on your wall yet, or are they in flocks of post-it notes all over your super-sized calendar? Or are you living the Memento lifestyle, tattooing a new batch of memos on your body every day? Got plans for summer yet? Next fall? Next spring? What about tonight? A social life?! Oh no! What if they ask you about your plans?! What if they see those notes tattooed all over your body! How do people like you hook up anyway? Calm the heck down and take Death.

    Libra

    Do yourself a favor — don’t hook up with Virgo. Instead, become a social smoker and start wearing coats with fuzzy linings. Since you’re ruining your lungs while killing fuzzy animals for fashion, repent and take Intro to Environmental Engineering. If you invent a cigarette that doesn’t pollute the air or rust your vocal chords, maybe you’ll beat out Leo for a Rhodes Scholarship. That fresh smell is called “reality,” by the way — chances are you’ll just take the course Credit/D/Fail.

    Scorpio

    Like Alanis, you too have made some bad — let’s say artistic — decisions. Wearing nothing but your long hair on the subway and speaking Canadian is no way to meet people. It’s one or the other — half-assing is no way to excel. You need to learn Canadian, first of all — there’s one and a half credits right there. And could you please put some clothes on?

    Sagittarius

    There’s something more dangerous out there than Scorpio naked — it’s you, addicted to caffeine, nicotine, Red Bull, sex, and eyedrops. Don’t rent your hair or beat your breast, take some philosophy courses and ease up. But this is no ordinary ho-oroscope — February is approaching, after all. Those eye-drops ought to help you with the blood vessels you burst last time you pulled an all-nighter, and you’re going to need those eyes if you don’t want to hump statuary by mistake.

    Capricorn

    Structure is a beautiful thing when you can’t see past your own Nalgene, but hopefully you’ve thrown yours out in an attempt to fight the image. That’s right, nobody is going to tell you how much water you’re drinking every day! If you’ve disregarded measurement in favor of a more “free” state of being, some crazy creative writing courses might just be screaming your name. Hopefully those screams are actually coming from the vocal chords of Fate and not Virgo, who has post-its in her underwear.

    Aquarius

    Have you exhausted your political science resources? Your independent study on international policy just isn’t keeping you up at night like it used to? Everyone at home thinks you’re going to be a lawyer, but you hate your family? Go for it — piss them off! Declare yourself a film major. Grandparents dreaming of lawyers in the family love that. Why are the stars being so nice to you? I don’t know, maybe they found out you were the one who tattoed “EASY” on Virgo’s ass. They liked that.

    Pisces

    Dude, seriously, your Nalgene isn’t filled with water, and the accessories you bought to match it are absolutely ridiculous. Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing those stupid signs from the mannequins at J.Crew — which one will you be: the Yoga teacher, the Dad, the Best Friend, or the Huge Drunk Obnoxious Loser who tried to grope Virgo at three consecutive parties? Dude, you’re the one with the Nalgene — you tell me!

  9. How to survive the stars

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    Horoscopes for the Month of December: Chill Yet Not

    Aries ~ March 21 through April 20

    You’re all impulsive and out of control. What’s with that? You think you’re all bad ’cause you downloaded the “8 Mile” soundtrack? You probably traded sweatshirts with some loser at Harvard, who rooms with your old high school rival who you now pretend to be friends with so you have a place to stay in Cambridge. Sick, yet common. And could you maybe not drink compulsively? Your entryway smells like Natty Ice and bodily fluids, and you’re really pissing off The Management. Get it together. Thanks. ~The Management.

    Taurus ~ April 21 through May 20

    Taurus tends to seek stability, which explains why you’re still freaking out about the time change. That was in October. Connect with your inner agrarian nature — wear flannels, if you must — and maybe you won’t have such issues. Better stock up on stress-busters (i.e., mood candles, yoga videos, body pillows, therapists, lame crap like that) so you can deal with the fact that the New Year is coming. That vague sound interfering with the pulsations of Enya is the rest of the world laughing at you.

    Gemini ~ May 21 through June 21

    Gemini, you’re generally filled with the Joy of Life. What better to prepare you for the coming festivities? Wait, let me guess, you got going on your holiday shopping early this year. Oh wait, here comes another guess — you’re annoying the hell out of everyone with your overwhelming and utterly unnecessary enthusiasm for commercial manifestations of holidays formerly known as religious. Do the stars offend you? Silly Gemini, astrology is for agnostics.

    Cancer ~ June 22 through July 22

    Cancer, you tend to thrive on the exchange of feelings, and can have a wobbly self-confidence. You have probably been crying about how fat you feel after Thanksgiving, while Gemini raves about how wonderful life is. But will you go to Payne Whitney and work it off? Doubtful. It’s more likely that you’ll keep all that rage pent up inside until one dark December night when you and your other touchy Cancer friends will gang up on the local Gemini and beat him or her senseless with your self-help books. Try not to dash out onto the roof afterwards. It won’t work.

    Leo ~ July 23 through August 22

    You’re not as “well-endowed” as one, but you’re a lion — playful, yet demanding. Unlike Aries, you didn’t trade sweatshirts with some loser at Harvard. It’s more likely that you hooked up with some loser at Harvard (and don’t even try to blame it on beer goggles, the stars know the truth) and then ran away at dawn with whatever you could grab. In other words, you now have some nasty-smelling souvenirs that you can’t display without drawing attention to your newfound shame. The directive of the stars is to buy some Febreeze and get tested.

    Virgo ~ August 23 through September 22

    Whoa, you’re still alive? What happened to you? You look like shiznaz. You’ve been running like a brothel but without the after-glow. You’ve most likely managed to convince yourself that you have been in desperate, dramatic, irreconcilable situations one after the other — which, of course, are all your fault. Maybe you should analyze these situations just a little bit more, because your roommates aren’t at all tired of feeling sorry for your pathetic existence and listening to you sob yourself to sleep. Ever wonder why everyone is so busy all of a sudden?

    Libra ~ September 23 through October 23

    Libra, you have a tendency to be dependent. So whose house are you staying at over break this year? Going to weasel your way into yet another family and alienate a close friend in the process? Or maybe you’re going home, but you’re going to go online every minute of vacation so as not to miss a minute from your *best* friends. Best friends *ever.* Bet they’ll be missing you really badly as they party it up with the folks while you pout at the kiddie table.

    Scorpio ~ October 24 through November 22

    Scorpios tend to be jealous. What’s that, everyone got more presents than you did? Ooh, poor baby. What’s that, everyone got mo’ ass at The Game than you did? Too bad you wound up with the weird rash. Your New Year’s resolution should be to buy some ointment. Maybe if you weren’t so darn shifty you’d make real friends and they’d give you real holiday gifts. Let me guess, you’re on Libra’s buddy list?

    Sagittarius ~ November 23 through December 21

    A slut of the worst kind, you tend to be goal-oriented and an idealist. Which means you think you won’t gain five pounds over the holidays and you still believe that loser from Harvard is going to call you back. Saggi, baby, don’t stand under the mistletoe looking up with that open-mouthed idealist expression of wonder on your face — the shit is poisonous and no one is going to kiss you with that cold sore you won at Harvard. Scorpio needs to hit the drugstore, and you need to hit Scorpio, so combine that nastiness and you’ve got some holiday cheer.

    Capricorn ~ December 22 through January 20

    You have incredible powers of self-concentration. Which means — you’re self-absorbed. Incredibly. Don’t even try to convince yourself otherwise. You need structure because, wait, let me guess — you need to arrange the whole world around yourself? This is your season — good thing you bought all those gifts at end-of-the-season sales, because that way you still have a good bit left over for yourself during the post-winter-holiday sales. Better bring Sagittarius with you, since he or she is depressed and your only other friend, Libra, won’t leave you the hell alone.

    Aquarius ~ January 21 through February 18

    Your character traits center on your individuality, but they range from adaptability to straight up eccentricity. You’ve probably picked up some literature on Wicca or some other freak activity, like a graduate-from-home course on Extra Sensory Perception. Use your intellect and communication skills to out-snob the eccentrics, and maybe they’ll kick you out of your local Wicca organization in time for you to wake up and realize you’re whack. Happy holidays, Wicca hates you.

    Pisces ~ February 19 through March 20

    Receptive and nurturing, yet ironically unstable, you probably are sharing your drugs with everyone this holiday season. Could you not share with your Aquarius acquaintances? They’re whack enough. You’re very deep and sensitive, but don’t wax philosophical on the stars this holiday season: they’ve had enough of your shit. You’re so “real” it’s sickening. Try to think of a New Year’s resolution that doesn’t involve being mainstream, like going to rehab.

  10. How to survive the stars

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    Aries ~ March 21 through April 20

    Aries, associated with the Fire element, is assertive, extroverted, and spontaneous. Try not to be spontaneously over-assertive this month, because it’s the second round of midterms and nobody wants to deal with a pain in the ass. Channel your energy into your studies. Thanks.

    Taurus ~ April 21 through May 20

    Taurus, associated with the Earth element, tends to seek stability. Your qualities are supposedly consistency, loyalty and patience. You would win at life, except you’re so goddamn patient and loyal that people take advantage of you. You probably are the only friend of Aries, and this is killing your social life. Take a chance on instability and spare us all a trip to Hallmark.

    Gemini ~ May 21 through June 21

    Gemini is associated with the Air element. Lately, the air on campus has been downright miserable. But luckily for you, your sign brings you one of those sickeningly happy outlooks, not to mention a quick grasp of things and adaptability, so you probably are loving this disgusting weather. Try not to look so happy and maybe your friends won’t throw things at you.

    Cancer ~ June 22 through July 22

    Your element is Water. You and Gemini should get together and celebrate the Connecticut monsoon season. As a Gemini, you thrive on the exchange of feelings, and you’re quite sensitive, so I’ll end it here before you start crying. Again.

    Leo ~ July 23 through August 22

    Your element, like Aries, is Fire, but you’re not quite as annoying. You’re the playful lion, the leader, someone with confidence. What do the stars have to say to someone with confidence? Nothing, because you’re too busy bossing people around to listen. Take time out to listen. It’s important. Hello? Are you even paying attention?

    Virgo ~ August 23 through September 22

    Like a significant portion of the Yale body, you’re a perfectionist. Way to be in the majority. As an Earth sign, you need stability. This combined with your perfectionism makes you a perfect candidate for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Try not to freak out or over-analyze your existence this month, and maybe you’ll actually survive midterms/pre-finals/life.

    Libra ~ September 23 through October 23

    Libra is associated with the Air element, and is far preferable to Gemini, because you seek calm. Calm is needed in these times. Unfortunately, you have a tendency to be dependent, so try and cut that habit. Someone who is calm about being needy is in a place called denial. Use your extroversion to get out of denial.

    Scorpio ~ October 24 through November 22

    Your element is Water. For some reason your sign is capable of renewal and metamorphosis, probably because you’re introverted, which sometimes means self-centered. Your social interactions probably consist of letting people know when your next show is. But you’re enigmatic, too, so anyone who would accuse you of narcissism can’t figure you out enough to do it. Keep up the good work.

    Sagittarius ~ November 23 through December 21

    The Fire element. You are goal-oriented and an idealist — you probably think your date from the screw will call you back. And that mark on your neck is a rash, not a hickey. This is probably going to be a rough month for you, but unlike most people, you’re fairly balanced, so nobody pities you too much. Look for the good like you usually do and feign ignorance of the inevitable. It’s worked so far, right?

    Capricorn ~ December 22 through January 20

    Another Earth sign, you are a stabilizing force rather than a seeker of stability. This must relate to the fact that your animal is the mountain goat. Because goats are so stable. Right … Anyway, you often work too hard, which is rumored to be a way of life incompatible with college. Remember, Goat Boy never really had a social life. And his character was discontinued on SNL. So be your stable self and get your groove on. But not too loudly, because we’re studying.

    Aquarius ~ January 21 through February 18

    Your character traits center on your individuality, but they range from adaptability to straight up eccentricity. This is New England, so try and keep to the adaptability. Use your communication skills and rebelliousness to follow your higher consciousness, but don’t piss anybody off. Or we’ll get Capricorn to come and stabilize you.

    Pisces ~ February 19 through March 20

    You’re a Water sign with the potential to be emotionally unstable. Let me guess, you’ve also got a coke habit. Who can blame you? Your receptive and nurturing nature can’t deal when the poop hits the fan. Turn off the fan, because it’s cold and damp out anyway, and clean up the poop. Do you by any chance live in Swing Space?