Clarissa Tan
It’s that time of year again…
As Commencement looms closer, uncertainty blooms. You’ve been distracted by the endless parade of senior events, leaving little time to ponder the future, but questions lurk in the back of your mind.
What does life after Yale look like? Will you be able to find a job in this economy even though you never joined YUCG? Is it still socially acceptable to eat ramen four nights a week? How will you purchase said ramen if there is no GHeav equivalent in your new home of the midwestern suburbs?
As always, the future remains unpredictable. Many of your questions will go unanswered — but the stars might bring some clarity. Although, let’s be real, the constellations don’t need to tell you to put the ramen down. It’s time to learn how to cook.
Here’s what the stars say about your post-grad destiny:
Aries
While everyone has focused on making lasting memories, you’ve been prioritizing making lasting connections on LinkedIn. Stalking classmates’ job titles, updating your “open to work” banner, casually networking with that Econ TA… It’s exhausting. Step back and touch the grass on Cross Campus while you still can.
Taurus
The party is over for most, but not for you. You’ve been on a non-stop bender since submitting your thesis, and honestly? Respect. But eventually, the buzz will fade and you will realize you’re not at Woads anymore. Start thinking about a different kind of party — a housewarming. Sign the lease before it’s too late.
Gemini
Your current wardrobe screams frat formal, and that corset top is not going to cut it in the corporate world. You’re working at a tech start-up, not Urban Outfitters. You need to retire your college outfits and invest in some quality pieces. Think ethically sourced designer items, like finding a Dior bag on Depop or permanently borrowing tailored Gucci trousers from your grandfather’s closet. You’ll need them more than he does anyway for your new look – 401(k) girlboss with an edge.
Cancer
You’re not dreading commencement itself — you’re dreading your family reunion. You don’t want to explain to your great aunt Katherine that your degree in American Studies does have value, and why you can’t answer “What’s next?” Pro tip: just say “consulting” and walk away.
Leo
You’re bouncing between job hunting, summer plans, existential spirals and rewatching “Fleabag” for the seventh time. Pick a lane — or at least narrow it down to three tabs open at once. “Multipassionate” is cute until your résumé looks like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novel.
Virgo
You feel that your years at Yale have been well spent. You treated college like a corporate ladder, and now it’s time to actually climb one. However, you can’t plan for everything, like the fact that your college sweetheart is unexpectedly moving away. You may have once been #couplegoals but it looks like the long-distance relationship will not survive the zip code change.
Libra
You’re deep in your feels, and graduation just made it worse. You don’t need to obsess over every goodbye. You’re hugging people you barely liked this year, and not everyone from your FroCo group needs a tearful sendoff. It’s okay to be sentimental — just remember, your friends will visit. Maybe. Once. In like 2027.
Scorpio
Moving to a new city is exciting… until you realize your ex-situationship also signed a lease five blocks away. Coincidence? Or punishment from the universe? Either way, it’s time to reestablish boundaries. Just because you’re both drinking overpriced espresso in Brooklyn doesn’t mean you’re destined to rekindle.
Sagittarius
You’re ready to book a one-way flight the second you throw your cap in the air. But if you think you can escape your problems by backpacking through Europe… you’re absolutely right. At least for three weeks. Then they show up in your hostel bunk with a name tag that says “Student Loan Interest.”
Capricorn
You’ve upheld a time-honored quintessential Yale tradition: selling your soul to the corporate devil and securing a job at McKinsey. Congratulations! While the rest of your classmates are still workshopping cover letters, you’re busy stress-planning your five-year exit strategy. Don’t forget to actually enjoy this moment before you are consumed by Excel and midnight Slack pings.
Aquarius
You’re leaving Yale behind, and honestly? It’s probably for the best. The Myrtle Beach incident, the wardrobe mishap at Erotica, the accidental text that can never be spoken of again — some legacies are best left abandoned in the shadows of the Scroll & Key tomb. It may be time for you to disappear and reinvent yourself abroad.
Pisces
You came to Yale with dreams of obtaining an elite education and an emotionally available finance bro to monogram towels with. Now you’re leaving with a piece of paper worth $360K, an office job unrelated to your English degree, and several failed situationships. But don’t fret. You can always rely on alumni meetups to find yourself a Yusband and financial stability.