First-year dating at Yale feels like you’re on the Titanic and your best friend just took the last lifeboat, then kicked you off to make space for their yusband (Yale Husband). Yale, contradictory to my expectations, has a dating scene similar to any other college campus. Terms like “hookup,” “casual” and “situationship” are the most common descriptors when people talk about their dating life. I recently had someone tell me that they weren’t looking for a relationship, rather monogamous friends with benefits. Unfortunately, words like “committed,” “communicative” and “monogamous” seem to be outside the Yale vernacular and have yet to catch on. According to a recent study, this epidemic seems to be linked to factors called “daddy issues” and “fear of commitment.” 

Tragic. I know.

Like many Yale students, I find this fact frightening and, although you may have given up your dreams of finding your yusband, don’t fret. I have created a step-by-step guide to getting your yusband.

1. Only communicate telepathically 
2. Stalking is out; instead, create some “coincidental meetings” after following them around and memorizing their schedule.
3. Write a wattpad story — post it on YDN.
4. Don’t communicate with them — if it was meant to be, they would read your mind. Duh.
5. Write them a confession — don’t sign it, and be sure to include phrases like “I’ve been watching you” and “I like your curtains.”
6. Don’t be upfront — keep them on their toes. Make sure to confuse them.
7. Don’t be yourself — instead of being your genuine self, be the person they want you to be.
8. Post initials and year on fizz — be sure to give details.
9. Don’t smile — showing your pearly whites will definitely give them the wrong impression. Instead, stare at them. No comments, just glare for like nine seconds straight and then look away.
10. Did they leave you on read? Stalk them on snap maps and triple text them to ask what is so important at Zeta.
11. Be mysterious. When they ask you about yourself, answer vaguely with words like “maybe” or “perhaps.”
12. Are they going in for a hug? Meet it with a fist bump — it’ll keep them wanting more.
13. Enhance your truth. I’m not telling you to lie, but to make sure they think you are interesting. Add some “fun facts” into the mix.
14. They’re not ghosting you. They’re crafting the perfect response — for three days.
15. Did they post someone in their new story? Make absurd assumptions and get jealous — it’s always a good look.
16. Move very quickly — I mean, why wait if they are your yusband?
17. Text them 24/7 so you make sure they don’t forget you during their small seminars.
18. Go through their phone — have they ever spoken to another person before? Freak out and tell them that they need to work on their commitment issues.
19. Make sure they know you are serious about dating and ask to perform a blood pact on the second date to formalize the bond.
20. Ask to move in after the second date — yes, they live in a double, but it would be the bonding experience of a lifetime.
21. Did they not view your insta story today? Post about it on Fizz — again with initials and year.
22. Do they look tired? They couldn’t sleep because they were thinking about you.
23. Buy a love spell from Etsy — support small businesses.
24. Stand uncomfortably close to them while you speak to them. Think close enough to smell their breath.
25. Do they seem uninterested? Use AI to create baby photos of your future children.
26. Don’t make eye contact — stare at their feet and mumble; it will make you mysterious.
27. Be persistent. Did they file a restraining order? That means they’re thinking about you.
28. Are they trying to have a conversation with you? Ignore them and pretend that there is something really interesting on the ceiling. 
29. Use “signals.” Bat eyelashes and bite your lip — while making eye contact.
30. Get a buzz cut — women love them.
31. Play hard to get — if they ask you out, say no.
32. Stalk their course table — copy their schedule and major.
33. Ask them on a date. If they say no, become best friends with their roommate.
34. On your first date, be sure to ask things like: “What is your ring size?” and “How many kids do you want?”
35. Don’t be clingy — actually, pretend they don’t exist, even if you are alone.
36. Are they cuffed? Create an AI deepfake of their partner cheating.
37. Are they looking for something casual? Tell them you are okay with long-term, monogamous friends with benefits.
38. Second date ideas — take them to a frat and flirt with other people the whole night to make them jealous.
39. Tell them about all of your ex relationships with weird, oddly specific details like how their tongue felt and how they bit your lip.
40. Get another love spell from Etsy — second time’s the charm.
41. Ask them to be your yusband. Get down on one knee. If they don’t agree, get down on two.