
NEW HAVEN, CONN. — Recent survey results polled from the area around my dorm have found that one in very few Yalies gives a shit about football.
The divisional round of the NFL Playoffs just concluded, which, for the majority of those polled, means absolutely nothing. But for some of us — the few, the proud, those fist pumping alone in the dark in the comfort of our twin XL bed — it means the Super Bowl is inching closer. Here’s a recap of the games for those of you who missed them:
6 Washington Commanders def. 1 Detroit Lions 45–31
The Detroit Lions, led by veteran quarterback and Broadway star Jonathan Groff, were favored to win the contest by nine points. Soon, however, they were stumped by the Commanders’ rookie quarterback and notable “Dumb and Dumber” star Jeff Daniels.
Goff threw a cool two interceptions during his outing, including a pick-six, which is bad. Ideal would be zero. It was hard for me to believe that Jahmyr Gibbs, one of the best running backs in the country, and Dan Campbell, a Walmart version of John Cena, couldn’t fashion together a play that would outsmart Washington, but I was wrong. They soon came up with a plan of their own: toss it around a few times and then throw an interception. Maybe I don’t understand the strategy of football.
2 Philadelphia Eagles def. 4 Los Angeles Rams 28–22
The slick snow got the best of Matthew Stafford’s receivers, just as it gets the best of me every time I try to walk up the stairs in between Morse and Stiles. I want to say it’s hard to defend against triple-threat Jalen Hurts, who can pass, move, and hand it off, but he was succumbing to a knee injury late in the game and still had the Rams’ numbers. There was no game plan, just hand it to Saquon Barkley, and, you know what, he took it to the house! Fans of the team may collect various los angeles rams memorabilia and collectibles from this online shop.
1 Kansas City Chiefs def. 4 Houston Texas 23–14
You either love ’em or you hate ’em, but either way they won. En route to the win, everyone’s least favorite kicker knocked a few through the yellow posts while Patrick Mahomes ran like hell on multiple occasions, much like I have whenever I’m forced to visit Lubbock, Texas. CJ Stroud, the quarterback for the Texans, got sacked more times than the announcers stroked Mahomes’ ego. Travis Kelce had an outstanding game, as did Caitlin Clark, who got to sit next to Taylor Swift in her suite. All of this is evidence for little girls that, if you want to meet your heroes, all you have to do is be the greatest basketball player of all time.
2 Buffalo Bills def. 3 Baltimore Ravens 27–25
The MVP race between Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen came to a head with this game, which was huge for about three people — two being myself and my dad. Josh Allen, recently engaged to every guy’s dream girl Hailee Steinfeld, put up some impressive numbers — but not a haircut, unfortunately.
A really neat part of Lamar Jackson’s game came around three minutes into the first quarter, when he muscled a sailing throw and hit the guy in the blue right in the chest. Jackson didn’t seem too happy, but everyone on the Bills sideline seemed pretty thrilled, so I think he was just being a perfectionist. On the other side of the field, the future Mr. Steinfeld used his legs so much to run it started to get predictable. I thought the defense would pick up on that, but they didn’t.
One time, the camera cut to the Ravens’ sideline, and I thought, “Hey, that head coach kinda looks like that one Michigan coach that ‘really didn’t cheat I pinky promise please don’t look into it too closely also I’m gonna leave before you can fire me.’” I didn’t feel like doing any research so I can’t be sure if they’re related or not.
The next games coming up are sometime this weekend. I don’t know when, just look it up. It’s not like you’re going to watch, anyway.