Maria Arozamena, Illustrations Editor
Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-savvy columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories, and tips here.
Dear SOTW,
My boyfriend of over a year has never made me cum. What do I do?
The BowWow is selling peppermint flavored snacks, and you have worn the same cardigan three times this week. Yes: it’s the last week of classes. Safe to say, spirits are high. Instead of the typical two weeks of classes after Thanksgiving recess, we have only one. Still, the finish line seems far, far away.
It’s a tale as old as the original sin.
Yalies have a hard time finishing their tasks. And believe me, I get it—the college experience is about the journey, not about the destination. We are told to Credit/D/Fail classes so as to not worry so much. It’s just like when your annoying D.S. alum suitemate assured you of Hegel’s promise of reconciliation; we will all overcome contradictions and history will move as it’s meant to.
Well somewhere, Marx is laughing in his grave because nobody here is cumming. Turns out, yeah guys, we must do some talking and put in some effort. It’s time to mobilize.
There is a fundamental lack of generosity and courtship on this campus. Women from High Street to Prospect Street are faking their orgasms. Sure, a faking pleasure may hasten a mediocre encounter. But it also makes the man feel better about himself. And does a legacy, incoming-at-Goldman-Sachs Yale man really need another thing to fuel his ego?
Honestly, reader, there is not much I can do to help your situation. Except to say: buy a vibrator. Do it yourself. Then — if he’s still even of interest — talk to your boyfriend and tell him how to do it. If he doesn’t want to, drop him. Yale has a lot of virgins, but at least they’re virgins who love to learn! Use it to your advantage and have him learn something useful. The “mystery” of the female orgasm is far more fascinating than the mystery of sleep.
To all the clueless boyfriends reading: if you’re not sure you make your partner cum, you probably don’t. And if she tells you that you are regularly making her finish, she is probably lying.
Yeah, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Welcome to being a woman in 2024.
In the meantime, let me recommend courtship. Lots of flirtation has been lost under the years, disappearing under the guise of “female empowerment.” Hate to break it to you Brad, you are not getting any extra credit in your WGSS seminar by telling your TA: “I would never even consider buying my girlfriend dinner.” Next time your girlfriend goes down on you, consider the fact that she will be making 84 cents on every dollar you earn. Learn to give head and buy her some flowers.