Zoë Halaban

With droves of Yalies descending upon enemy territory this weekend, know that there’s more than just football on everyone’s minds.

As much as Yalies like to poke fun at their rivals to the North, Harvard students really are a lot like us: overachieving and a bit socially awkward. They’re all looking to have a good time — and someone to have a good time with. 

If you’ve grown tired of the romantic options in New Haven, The Game really is the perfect opportunity to explore another pool of eligible singles. After all, when you meet someone you like at a party — or a tailgate — it doesn’t matter if they are wearing Harvard crimson or Yale blue, only that they’re wearing anything at all.

And, with the Harvard party scene being notoriously dead and every romance needing a spark, the WKND desk has decided to do a little match-making for our more shy — but still romantically aspirational — Yalies. Meet Harvard’s most eligible! These students have thrown all rivalries aside and proclaimed their desires in hitting it off with a very special Yalie. And, if any of you are struggling to find last-minute Friday night housing, these hot, Harvard singles might just be your dashing saviors. One twin-XL, two Ivy Leaguers… what more could you ask for?

Becker “Dorian” Brandywell III

Brandywell, a junior from Palm Beach, Florida, is the darling of Harvard’s premier Alternative Investment Club. He invented a leather-bound, handwritten spreadsheet method for tracking stock portfolios that he insists gives him “the edge.” He’s rumored to carry a mini portrait of himself in his wallet to “remind himself of where he’s going.” His go-to fun fact is that Nancy Pelosi did pilates with his mom. After The Game, he promises to take a special Yalie on a romantic “candlelit dinner” at Pinnochio’s Pizza in Harvard Square — his parents cut him off for crashing the family yacht.

Georgina Carpenter

Carpenter, a senior from Highland Park, Texas, likens herself to the bubbly pop sensation, Sabrina Carpenter, despite being 5’11 and sharing nothing more than a last name. She recently caused a stir by claiming she “found herself spiritually” while shopping on Newbury Street. Known for her thesis on “the profound connection between designer handbags and inner peace,” she insists that her Peloton instructor is “practically family.” Carpenter is fluent in ancient Greek and Latin and regularly quotes from The Odyssey to add “a classical touch” to conversations. You can “carpe diem” her at @imthehottercarpenter.

Riley Griffiths

Griffiths, a “row-mantic” sophomore from Evanston, Illinois, has captured Harvard’s attention with his mission to bolster rowing teams nationwide. Believing that privilege and upper body strength come with “moral duties,” he recently hosted a black-tie gala to raise awareness for his cause. An aspiring politician, he’s known to frequent debates solely to use the phrase “as a man of heritage.” He promises to take one very lucky Yalie on an “exclusive” once-in-a-lifetime tour of Harvard’s Newell Boathouse — despite it being open to the general public.

Bennett “Bear” Remington

Remington, a super senior from Roxbury, Massachusetts, is better known as “Bear” to his friends — which he loves reminding people as he “really did see a bear once while vacationing in the Adirondacks.” He is the quintessential Harvard finance guy, wearing Patagonia vests like a uniform and never missing a morning workout. Bear’s been “into the stock market” since he was nine and is the CEO and founder of a “non-profit” that offers $1400 classes on “How to become the next Wolf of Wall Street.” Besides casually comparing Yale-Harvard to the annual “Exeter vs. Andover” game, which he still attends even as a college student, he’ll ask to check your LinkedIn — because God forbid he’s seen with someone with less than 500+ connections. He’s looking for a Yalie who “gets his hustle” and who wouldn’t mind joining him at The Game “for the networking, obviously.”

Alexis Adams-Dunbary

Adams-Dunbary, a junior from Santa Rosa, California, has recently reinvented herself after undergoing an innovative surgical procedure to become a “floofier” version of the Ralph Lauren Polo Bear — because, to her, being a symbol of preppy dominance is the pinnacle of personal expression. She’s seeking a Yalie who can both admire her visionary fashion choices — like wearing something other than a CrewDog sweater to The Game — and sponsor her future appearances on the pages of Vogue, which her grandmother, obviously, owns. Bonus points if you can show her how to profit maximize her branding for national preppy dominance.

Conrad “@conrad.h.chen” Chen

Chen, a freshman from Bethesda, Maryland, is the golden child of LinkedIn and Instagram — and the ultimate Ivy League networker. He’s well-known across the eight schools for just being… “well-known.” No one quite knows how they know him, but they do… or they at least know his signature @. He’s made it his life’s mission to follow anyone with an “Ivy ’28” in the bio — he’s currently following 8,548 of his 12,565 Ivy peers. Let’s be honest, he probably knows more Yalies than you do. You’ll find him lurking at every USSYP luncheon, Coca-Cola Scholar meet-up, or US Presidential Scholar chat, perpetually “networking” in the upper echelons of academic society. He’s looking for a loyal partner to join him on his eventual campaign trail and to call him “Mr. President” lovingly— although if that’s too much, he’s okay with “Mr. Senator.”

Alexander Fitzgerald Amadeus Kennedy-Liptontea Winthrop-Rockefeller VIII

Winthrop-Rockefeller VIII, a sophomore from Boulder, Colorado, not only has the second-silliest name in Cambridge but also proudly considers himself “the Hemingway of Harvard” — except, instead of penning soulful stories of war and bullfighting, he chronicles his summers yachting in the Mediterranean. With a carefully curated Instagram featuring dinners at Cipriani and aesthetic “candids” reading “The Sun Also Rises” in his mom’s vintage Harvard sweater, he likes to describe himself as a “literary adventurer” who has “seen things.” In this case, he mostly means an exclusive family ski trip to Zermatt instead of St. Moritz, the one time he made eye contact with a homeless man in Harvard Square and the “gritty” summer he spent working — for a week — at his uncle’s hedge fund. 

Lorenzo Lamont

Lamont, a junior from Scarsdale, New York, is most famous for revolutionizing the way Harvard students refer to Goldman Sachs — simply calling it “Goldman,” which he says reflects the intimate nature of his relationship with the firm. He denies any allegations that Lamont Library was named after his family —- he insists that it was named after his great-grandfather’s brother’s wife’s husband’s father. He’s currently seeking a Yalie who can join him in the ultimate financial networking circle and who understands that real wealth lies in personal connections. He’s looking to cozy up and cuddle with a Yalie whose dad can guarantee him a highly coveted summer internship. He’ll even pull out his grandmother’s 3.0-carat Harry Winston if you can guarantee him a return offer.