Michelle Park
My friends and I always joke that something silly but also life-altering always happens in October. I think it’s what I use to track the passing of time in my life; the year starts in January but my calendar starts in October. I am impulsive and emotional in a way that I am not in the other eleven months of the year, and when I recall the past Octobers of my life I don’t remember being necessarily happy — I was honestly always wallowing in something stupid — but for some reason, it’s still my favorite time of the year.
Although we arrived at Yale in August, I didn’t feel summer ending until this month. There were so many mosquitos —still are, honestly – in the Vandy courtyard, and the weather was hot up until September. August and September were chaotic with the start of classes and getting to know the other first-years — “Where are you from?” “What’s your major?” “What’s your residential college?” — that I was almost too busy to allow myself to relax in this place I now call home. October was when it hit me like a truck that I live here, as dumb as that might sound.
Being a freshman is stressful and awkward. I didn’t know I’d say goodbye to my childhood so soon, and now I am in a completely new city surrounded by strangers I’m kind of intimidated by. I miss home and my friends, and October break just wasn’t enough.
October has always been a month when I have had to let go of something, and this year that fact feels heavier and scarier than ever. Letting go means change, and change is weird and hard and sad. I love what I had back in Philadelphia, but I can’t truly feel happy here unless I allow myself to just let go of those memories and people. It’s not easy for me to accept that, but change is also good and fun and freeing. Life goes on, and I will make new memories and meet new people.
I love writing, and I am always scribbling something into my journal to let myself vent out what I’m thinking. I always end up writing and saying a lot in October; I have so many words I want to say from the other months of the year lingering inside my mind, and October urges me to be honest, for better or worse. I know October will never end with me regretting not saying something to someone, whether it be apologizing to a friend or being completely embarrassing in front of a crush.
Being honest can be really hard, but October softens the blow that comes with relationships evolving or disappearing. And while I have been the emotional wreck that I am, October reminds me that some people will always be there to listen to me. During this time of bittersweet loss and change it’s nice to know that I have a constant — a couple of people I can hope to know forever.
Right now it is Oct. 21, 2024, 10:24 p.m., and I didn’t even know I had this much to say about October. Maybe this entire piece is just corny and embarrassing, but I am okay with that, because honestly life is corny and embarrassing, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. When I remember my previous Octobers and my actions, I can’t help but cringe and laugh at myself, but I’m comforted because that means I’ll absolutely make it through this October as well and eventually I’ll be able to smile when I look back on it. I suppose what I am writing right now is a part of that testament to myself and October.
I just love October, because as I change the world changes with me. The leaves become orange and then fall. The air gets crisp and cool. The days get shorter. The nights get longer. October is my designated month for endings and beginnings, and I can count on it to be like this every year, over and over and over again.