jessai flores
Note: The events, characters and references depicted in this article are fictional. Any similarity to actual students, parents or true events is purely coincidental.
Mom: It’s so nice to see you, honey. You look great! Is that sweater new? I’ve never seen it before.
Me: It’s great to see you guys, too. Yeah, I just bought this sweater. Isn’t it crazy that it’s already getting cold here?
What I didn’t say: I missed you guys so much. And yes, this sweater is new — I actually have a lot of new clothes, because all I do in my Econ 115 lecture is shop online.
Me: How’s Bailey? How was his surgery?
Mom: He’s great! He misses you. Sometimes he sleeps on your bed — I think it’s because it smells like you. It must be nice to not have his fur all over your clothes anymore!
What Mom didn’t say: I’m afraid that he genuinely forgot that you exist. He’s completely senile. I’m glad you don’t have to see him like this, walking into glass doors and such. His days are definitely numbered.
Me: Oh, great. I was so worried about him.
Dad: So, how are you doing? How are your classes?
Me: They’re pretty good, really interesting. And I like most of my professors. It’s pretty crazy to get from LC to Science Hill in 15 minutes three times a week, though.
What I didn’t say: It’s pretty much impossible, actually. I’ve been on time to Econ probably twice so far. And this Math 120 p-set is going to kill me, and I’m pretty sure my seminar professor doesn’t give any grades above a B because it’s “character building.”
Dad: That sounds intense. Have you been leaving enough time for your social life?
What Dad didn’t say: Do you remember that I have your location, and therefore can see you meandering home from lord knows where at 3 a.m.?
Me: Oh well, you know, lots of dinners, game nights, club socials.
What I didn’t say: Every night, I either take six melatonin gummies at 9 p.m. or I get hammered and make bad decisions at LEO. I’m getting really good at noticing when someone’s about to projectile vomit.
Mom: Have you made any new friends?
Me: Yeah, I’m meeting lots of new people! And I’m close with my suitemates, too. And my FroCo group, of course.
What I didn’t say: I don’t like anyone here nearly as much as I like my friends from home. So far, everyone here is either too weird or too normal. I’m scared I’m never going to find my people here. And I think my FroCo might be hooking up with the first-year who lives across the hall from me.
Mom: Did you apply to any extracurricular activities? I forwarded you those emails about Mock Trial, right? My friend Christine’s son did Mock Trial, and he just got into Harvard Law.
What Mom didn’t say: If we’re paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for you to go here, you better give me something to brag about to my book club.
Me: I’m still hearing back from some clubs I applied for, but I’m really busy with classes, so I might not be doing too many clubs this semester. And Mock Trial is a really big time commitment, but I’ll try out next year!
What I didn’t say: I got rejected from Mock Trial, but it’s fine because I’d rather die than be a lawyer, which I’ve tried to tell you a million times. But in other news, I got laughed out of a YSIG interview, and I ate 30 rush meals with a cappella group members just to sit at home alone on Tap Night. At this point I might have to join the Tambourine Club or the Eggplant Society or something because apparently I don’t have any other skills.
Dad: Oh, okay. It’s good that you’re not feeling the career pressure of Yale yet!
Me: Yeah, it’s still early.
What I didn’t say: I’m going to be a barista for the rest of my life. Sorry Mom and Dad, please prepare the guest room in the basement for me.
Mom: Did you grab coffee with my friend Linda’s son Jake? You guys would get along great, and he’s going to be a doctor, wink wink!
Me: Uh, no not yet, things have been pretty crazy. I’m sure we’ll get a meal soon.
What I didn’t say: There is not a chance in a million years that I’ll ever have a conversation with Jake. We’ve made eye contact three times at Shabbat dinner, and they were the three most awkward moments of my college experience.
Mom: You certainly have a lot of great food options. I’m so jealous that you get to eat at all of these amazing dining halls.
Me: Yeah, it’s great, there are so many options. We should go to Morse later; they have the best pizza on campus.
What I didn’t say: If I have to eat chicken and green beans for one more meal, I’m gonna need to be checked in to YC3.
Mom: Well, if not Jake, have you met any other cute boys? You know your father and I met in our freshman year of college . . .
Me: Haha! Not yet, mom, I’ve been focused on getting settled. And I’ve been spending too many late nights at the library!
What I didn’t say: I think I’m in love with this guy I hooked up with at Bulldog Days, but he’s left me on delivered since orientation.
Mom: Does that mean you’re walking home late at night? Have you been using that safe escort service?
Me: Uh, no, I usually just go with friends to be safe.
What I didn’t say: Actually, I just walk really fast and hold my keys between my fingers. If I’m going to keep doing that, I should probably at least not blast music in my AirPods while I’m walking.
Mom: Oh wow, those bells are so nice!
Dad: I used to play the bells in college! That was quite fun.
Me: Yeah, they’re really cool, aren’t they?
What I didn’t say: Try hearing them for 25 minutes straight ten times a day, Dad. You’ll lose whatever hearing you have left. Seriously, I’m thinking about transferring to Murray.
Mom: Have you been hanging out with that girl from your high school? It must be nice to know someone from home.
What Mom didn’t say: Please say no. Her mom was on the board of your Model UN team, and she’s a straight-up psychopath.
Me: She’s pretty shy, so we haven’t really talked, but I think she has a lot of friends here already. I’m sure she’s fine.
What I didn’t say: She’s in a club that wants America to go back to the 1700s, and she wears dresses and heels to class. Honestly, she creeps me out.
Mom: Wow, sweetie, these buildings are so beautiful. No wonder there are tours of Yale’s campus just for the architecture!
Me: Yup, it’s great. The campus never gets old.
What I didn’t say: See if you still think the campus is beautiful after you see Stiles. Also, last week I saw my TF drunkenly peeing on the side of the building you’re looking at right now, and I had to meet with him one on one the next day.
Dad: Do you miss us? Or are you having too much fun without us?
What Dad didn’t say: Please say you miss us. The house is so quiet without you, and it feels like just yesterday I dropped you off at kindergarten. No one ever tells you how hard it is to send off your last kid.
Me: Yeah, I miss you guys. But don’t worry about me. Enjoy your new freedom!
What I didn’t say: Yeah, I miss you guys. A lot.