Maria Arozamena, Illustrations Editor
Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-guru columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help.
Next week, we are running YOUR content. Submit your craziest romantic/date/hookup stories here. Don’t be shy.
Dear Sex on the WKND,
I got asked to Theta blind date, but my parents are crashing on my couch for Parents Weekend. What do I do????
- DaddysGirl03
Ahhhhhh. We all feel it coming: a crisp in the air, the desire for a pumpkin spice latte, the arrival of your depression cardigan. And no, it isn’t autumn that I am talking about. It’s the horniest weekend of the year: parents’ weekend.
And no, I am not like some of you “old souls” who need a “mature partner” because “you’re wise beyond your years.” Get a grip. See a therapist. You just have an old person kink.
This weekend is the weekend of avoiding running into your situationship while giving your parents a tour of campus. It’s the weekend absent of common room hookups. It’s the weekend of replacing your vibrator with a copy of The House of Mirth. It’s the most sexually frustrating weekend on Yale’s campus.
But here it returns, like your shitty ex boyfriend or meatloaf night in the dining hall. You always know it’s coming but you can’t ever seem to prepare correctly. Well here I am to save the day! Let me be blunt: it’s the weekend of no sex. Let’s play it safe, shall we? For the first time, readers, I recommend celibacy. Keep your legs crossed.
For one, this is not the weekend to be scheming. You never know who you may run into at Sig Nu Moms’ mixer — your boss at Goldman Sachs, your boss at Bank of America or your boss at McKinsey! There is just way too big of a chance you might be caught sloppy on an elevated surface, making out with them, their kid, or your future colleague. I don’t know about you, but I do not want to take that risk.
And, for the creatives out there who don’t care about etiquette, there are other problems to consider. Even though hooking up with someone’s great-uncle might be cool in the circles you run in, consider: is it worth it? The DILF you met at Sig Nu is already up past his bedtime… increasing his odds of falling asleep in missionary approximately 10-fold. Even worse—his version of pillow talk might be asking you if you have seen Chicago on Broadway before.
And for you, DaddysGirl03, I would once again say the benefits do not outweigh the consequences. I don’t know what type of relationship you have with your parents but it should exclude sex or sexual innuendos. This might also be the weekend to do what most Yale students know best: act like virgins. Go to the fucking library. Happy Parents’ Weekend everyone.