Mia Kohn
I have discovered this week that I am allergic to my own tears. Unfortunately, this is not a bad metaphor for emotional repression. My red eyelids now boast permanent bags of fluid buildup from nightly wailing — although, I’ve never been particularly fond of my hooded eyes, so be careful what you wish for, I guess. Maybe I’m just prone to poetic ailments. The cold makes me break out in hives — but that’s a different game. That’s December. This game is about tears and questions and the number 20: being a slumped sophomore.
- What are you going to do with your life? You know you want to do something with humanities. And something that helps people! And that will make you enough money to buy Trader Joe’s snacks. And not be stressed out of your mind all the time. And also live in the city — there’s only one, and everybody lives there.
- Why are the first years so confident? You’re a big scary sophomore. You’re on the Flex plan. They should be terrified. Rawwwr be terrified, Frosh!
- Why haven’t you had a single romantic interaction at this school? You were lied to. Curse you, every-movie-about-college-ever and whoever said that Yale is the Gay Ivy! You should have gone to Brown; you saw so many Doc Martens on that tour in 11th grade.
- Who are you trying to impress on Instagram? Last year, it was your friends from home and the hoards of fresh faces here. But you don’t really talk to anyone from home, and your fellow sophomores don’t have time to admire your post about your summer in Europe. They’re too busy talking about the lack of to-go boxes and impressing their friends who are also posting about their summers in Europe.
- Should you have rushed a cappella? It felt silly last year, but you would look awesome strolling down Cross Campus in a tux — this statement unfortunately only applies to the ladies. What about YDN? Or club softball? Or one of the 40 consulting groups that emailed you this week?
- Why don’t you have a FroCo? Everyone should have free pizza at least twice a week and someone to text when you’re crying and your eyes are swollen and your friends are busy also crying but with slightly less swollen eyes.
- On that note — how do you mitigate your tear allergy? It’s concerning.
- Hey Siri, can eyelids explode out of eye sockets from too much swelling?
- How are you going to turn what you love into a career, so you don’t cry and have swollen eye sockets for the rest of your life?
- What is it that you love, again?
- Similarly, why don’t you love that class about that thing you thought you loved?
- By the way — what is your major? Is it English or something important like environmental studies? Or, actually, maybe it’s American Studies or art history or anthropology. Or are you an undiscovered scientific genius? You still don’t really understand what “research” is, but maybe you’d be amazing at it.
- Is your French class going to help you achieve any of this?
- How are you going to solve every problem that ever existed — and also sleep?
- How does one sleep, again? You’ve closed your eyes; the lights are off; you’re in a bed. That’s how one sleeps, right? It just doesn’t happen anymore! Maybe one of those already-discovered scientific geniuses can explain this to you.
- Why is the floor so comfortable? Seriously, it’s amazing down here. Also, your head starts spinning when you stand up.
- Are you just dehydrated? You’re probably dehydrated.
- OK yes, you were really dehydrated. Why are there so few water bottle fillers on this campus?
- Why are you so ungrateful to be here? You worked so hard and your parents worked so hard and everyone here is working really hard and you’re also working reeeallly hard to be happy and joyful. And focused, yet open minded and challenged, but not so challenged you can’t be joyful and happy and really grateful. Did you mention that you’re grateful?
- How are you turning 20? You just turned 18, and it was amazing. You ruled the world. Nineteen was confusing in a cute way. Twenty is just baffling. It’s when the Disney coming-of-age movie ends and the depressing French one begins. It’s when adulthood is too real to try on for fun. It’s when you can’t pretend you’re still a child. It’s your last question…
and you’re gonna need some answers soon.