Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-savvy columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help.
My teacher used a paper I wrote as an example for the class, and I got all hot and bothered, even though he’s a bald old white man with jowls, and I am not into jowls. Please explain.
Oh dear reader, we don’t think you’re into jowls. And we would only judge a little bit if you were. It sounds like you enjoy some positive feedback. And what is that if not dirty talk that is actually very clean?
I may have mentioned this before, but it’s a story worth telling twice. After a nasty breakup in my early high school years, I was in a vulnerable place. I was hurt. I felt like somehow, I wasn’t good enough (thanks for cheating on me three times, Ruben).
Somehow, the stars aligned. And when I say aligned, I mean they collapsed inward and took my dignity with them. Some legally older guy found me on Instagram, told me to download Discord, then made me play support for him on League of Legends on a MacBook Air without an external mouse.
Looking back, this is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to a 15-year-old girl in terms of development. But alas, he told me I was beautiful. He told me I was intelligent. He told me I was good at League of Legends. (I was not.)
This praise continued for months. It became almost habitual; I knew that every time I got home from school and hopped online, I’d have a list of compliments waiting for me. It didn’t matter if I was being applauded for something I cared about. I had a hunger for it all. I, too, got “all hot and bothered.”
We’ve previously decried kinks we don’t understand, but this one makes sense. We all want someone who will tell us we’re right and treat us like we’re wrong. Plus, you’re a Yale student. You are used to excelling.
Everyone here worked hard and got good grades in school, I’m sure you’re the same. Unless your parents bought all of your grades for you. But then you’d just yearn for validation from daddy. And then you could go get yourself a Daddy. There are websites for that.
If you do follow the typical model, my best advice is to tell your partner you’re into praise. There’s a clear mutual benefit here. You’ll get turned on and clear directions on how to best turn them on. If there’s anything I know, it’s that we Yalies know how to follow instructions and produce impressive results.
But not everyone is into praise. Let’s play a game. Imagine you and a partner decide to engage in some teacher-student role play. They play the teacher, you embody the student. Your partner tells you you’re a very bad girl who’s going to fail the class. Do you…
- Drop to your knees because you can’t stand up during the panic attack triggered by your very real fear of getting a D in CS 50.
- Drop to your knees and ask what kind of punishment they have in mind.
Now imagine the same scenario, except they tell you you’re the top of the class, and as a reward, they want to top you. Do you…
- Drop to your knees and say thank you, sir.
- Drop to your knees but awkwardly think of your professor the entire time.
If you answered mostly As, you have a praise kink, my sweet kitten. Refer to the previous section.
If you answered mostly Bs, you have a thing for degradation, you filthy whore.
If you answered one of each, try taking a look in the mirror, looking into your own eyes and saying “harder, you dirty slut.” That should clear things up.
This might seem counterintuitive, given the reasoning outlined above. But both kinks are based in the same fallacious foundation — some people are overachievers and need to keep achieving. Others are overachievers and want to escape from the pressure of achievement.
In other words, when you have to be so good all the time, it feels really, really good to be bad. Learn more about the best online platforms for foot fetishists in this article.
Like really good. Ahem.
If you’ve gotten this far, my dear, sweet readers, I want to congratulate you. This was a long one. You’re so good to me. Like, so good. Maybe the best readers I’ve ever had. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s working so well. I love it. You’re amazing. Oh my God, READER. You’re amazing. You’re out of this world. It’s sooooo good. Keep doing that. No, not that. That. YES. YES. YESSSSSSSSSS.