Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-savvy columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories, and tips here.

Yalies just haven’t been doing it for me. Actually, let me rephrase: Yalies just aren’t doing me. I’m going to The Game this weekend… how do I find someone to spend it with? 

-Judas

I spent a portion of my last Harvard-Yale in someone’s Sig Chi bedroom with three grown men. I’m talking about fathers here. I’m pretty sure one was a federal judge. And before you ask, it was weird, but not in the way that it sounds. We had a lovely conversation about god-knows-what and then they gave me three bottles of Ace of Spade champagne. A win for everyone!

There are lots of reasons to betray Yale — and old ass men — in the bedroom this weekend. Maybe you’re horny, maybe you didn’t secure sister-college housing. Regardless of your motivation, we don’t judge. 

This year is interesting because none of us — with the exception of super seniors, who should stop reading this and get a job  — have traveled to Harvard for The Game during our Yale experience. It’s always been on our turf with our rules. Now, we’re forced to ask ourselves how to have game during The Game.

Good thing you’ve come to the person with the most game at Yale and probably the planet and also the galaxy. No, not John Witt. Me. Your crimson-hating, sex-having Sex on the WKND. We know all the right plays to kick off your time in Cambridge. 

This might be obvious, but your first strategy should always be Tinder. Write a snappy and controversial bio. Now’s the time for banter, for a little friendly arguing, for your enemies-to-lovers fantasy to play out when you’re tearing each other’s clothes off. There’s really no downside; through this method, my ex-roommate fucked four different dudes in one day last Harvard Yale. 

If you’re looking for a more authentic meet-cute — with an authentically-loaded consort — you can blow $100 on one of the final club parties hosted at random nightclubs around Cambridge. Speaking from experience, the only personality traits of people at these parties are rowing and having an English accent. And when you really think about it, these are practically the same thing. But we’re not going for personality here, are we?

If you’re really committed to the score and not so much to the team, switch your pretentious Y sweater for a pretentious H sweater and sit in the Harvard student section. It’s like every high school new kid fantasy except everyone is drunk and cold and not in high school. Pretend to be lost. Ask a dashing young man for help. Hopefully he drags you out of your ivy tower and into his Ivy League dorm room. 

Regardless of where you sit, you’ll need some tricks for flirting in the stand. How about some game-themed pickup lines? Here are a few: can I park my car in your Harvard Yard? Since your school has a larger endowment than mine, does that mean you pay for dinner? Wanna try and make me turn crimson?

For those strong enough to brave a pun, we encourage you to take it a step further. Trumbull College’s motto states that “fortune favors the bold.” So be bold. Go up to that hot but scary girl who is definitely nationally ranked in debate and tell her you think she’s hot but scary and that you want Yale to crush on the field but her to dominate in the bedroom. People are attracted to confidence, to directness. Use it to your advantage.

For our cheekier readers, try making a bet. If Pericles Lewis can wager on the game’s outcome, you can too — and the stakes can be much more interesting than changing caps. 

We don’t mean to trigger those of you who fell to Yale Athletics’ truly terrible IT and will not be attending the game. Nevertheless, you can still come to Cambridge — and come in Cambridge. Remember, you don’t need tickets to score.