Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-savvy columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories, and tips here.

Dear Sex on the WKND, 

I’m a fellow YDN writer. What is this sex thing you always talk about? 

-Your Comrade in Words

People often ask me, “do people really submit questions through your epic and underutilized anonymous form?” The answer is yes. This is a real question, presumably from a real person. And while it makes perfect sense that this question came from a YDN writer, I was still vaguely disappointed when I came across it.

Not disappointed in you, dear reader, but disappointed in myself. I realized something: I’ve never defined sex on this column. I’ve never even explained it. Not even once. I jumped straight into throat-action and kinks — the exciting stuff. How are you, my loyal readers, supposed to apply that advice without a foundation to build from?

And so, here I am, ready to talk sex. Simple, straightforward sex. 

Except sex is not straightforward at all. Take our original question, for example: what is sex? No really, what is it? P in V is an obvious answer. P in A or V on V are also no-brainers. 

I hope your CHE workshops took care of defining what P, V and A mean. Though judging from the fact that I have taught several Yale men what a cervix is recently — no, not by demonstration — my fellow sex educators need to step up their game.

But what about oral? Or a fingering so rough that it triggers an early-onset period? Where is the line drawn?

If you want some guidance in determining your take on this complex question, I’ve made this fun little chart of my personal opinions:

But really, what counts as sex is entirely up to you and your partner. 

There’s another part of this question that is not explicitly asked but is essential to my explanation: how does one have sex?

This is an even more complicated question. For guidance on what goes where, you can also refer back to the chart. If you need further clarification, there is always Google. Depending on what you look up, Mormon-tok might infiltrate your algorithm. Go Cougars!

Finding a partner is another possible challenge, albeit one with many solutions. Join a dating app. Talk to someone at a party. Hook up with your friend’s roommate, let it get awkward and completely abandon that friendship and with it, your Math 120 P-set link. 

This is a college campus. You will never be surrounded by this many horny young people — who may go on to serve in our nation’s highest offices — again in your life. Go forth into the world and enjoy it.  

Once you’ve met your match, get ready to rumble. If you want to know about technique, I have concocted a simple razor for you to follow.

  • Participate: no one wants to fuck a corpse. Joining in on the fun makes your partner feel wanted and gives you some agency over your own pleasure. Yeah, it’s nice to be worshipped, but you have to earn that sex-god-status first. 
  • Pay attention: every partner is into something different. Some people like hair-pulling, others like soft caresses, and no one enjoys too much tongue. Notice which moves make them moan. Touch them the way they touch you. Again, do not use too much tongue. 
  • Put them first: the best way to be a good lay is to prioritize your partner’s pleasure over your own. She’s not going to remember how hard you came, but she will tell her friends how many times she did. 

No matter what, remember that the actual sex is the easiest part of having sex. As long as you’re not following the rhythm of Cbat, you should be okay.