Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, YDN’s anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-guru columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories, and tips here.
I think planning my Halloween costumes for this year has awakened something in me. Any advice on how to dress up and get down on the other 364 days of the year?
-HornyForHalloween
I’ve always found dressing up to be one of the most difficult tasks of this season.
Last year, I wanted to emulate the attire of a Catholic schoolgirl. If a man dons a catholic schoolgirl’s uniform, he’s a revolutionary, a creative. He can be anything: a funny schoolgirl, a flirty schoolgirl, a nerdy schoolgirl, a slutty nerdy schoolgirl.
But when I dress up as a Catholic school girl, I only have two options: Ladybird or whore. Or whore Ladybird, which I suppose makes three options, but no matter what, my mom still tells me I’m too old and too large to wear my ninth grade school uniform. Like, I’m sorry I got boobs late, mom, but you gave me shitty genes in the mammary department.
You could imagine, then, that my distaste for dressing up extends to the bedroom. I’ve found in my years of service that nudity gets any job done well. But here at Sex on the WKND, we don’t kinkshame. Except for that one time we did.
Anywho.
Let’s take it from the top; as Fleabag states, “hair is everything.” Hairstyles can make or break an outfit. Plus, they can serve different functions in the bedroom. Pigtails are slutty. Ponytails are made for pulling. Mohawks present an interesting dichotomy of pleasuring the nether regions while simultaneously stimulating the belly button, if you angle yourself just right.
Once your hair is settled, you can move on to outfits. Sex on the WKND has a very simple rule of thumb for this: think about the minimum amount of clothing you could wear in public without getting arrested. Now consider the inverse — anywhere the fabric was covering is now exposed, and vice-versa. Then make the fabric leather. Or latex. Or lace. Any material starting with the letter L will do.
Strategically placed cutouts are the key to this ensemble. If you need a reference photo, search “James Charles 2019 Coachella; rear side view” at your own discretion.
If traditional trappings are not your style, I recommend mixing the sacred with the perverse.
Examples of the sacred: Doctor, lawyer, professor, that one barista at Willoughby’s who always has a dirty chai ready for you after your 2:30 lecture.
Examples of the perverse: Slutty doctor, slutty lawyer, slutty professor, slutty barista at Willoughby’s who always has a dirty chai ready for you after your 2:30 lecture.
Just like Halloween, in the bedroom, there are no limits: you are whoever you want to be. Except for a child. No matter what Taylor Swift says, there is no such thing as a sexy baby.
So get creative. Get bendy. (Get consent.) And no matter what, remember that you’ll be getting undressed soon. What you’re wearing before that is only so important.
Just please, whatever you do, socks off. I don’t care that you’re more likely to orgasm with them on. It freaks me out.