Pining after your FroCo? Dying to get on the orgy panlist? Sick of seeing khakis on men? You’re in luck! Welcome to Sex on the WKND, the News’ anonymous column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. This year, we have a love-guru columnist who has done it all — including everyone on the aforementioned orgy panlist — and is ready to share. Whether you have a seminar with a hookup-gone-wrong or accidentally sent a raunchy text to your chemistry study group, Sex on the WKND is ready to help. Don’t be shy. Submit your anonymous questions, stories and tips here.

The person I am hooking up with asked me to set up their computer for a movie, and their most recent search on private browsing mode popped up. The content was interesting, to say the least. I don’t even want to know how those people held that position for so long. I don’t personally watch porn; how can I tell if what I saw was normal?

-SawEvilHeardEvilSpokeEvil

First off, I am so sorry. I remember my first time seeing an Unexpected Digital Penis — a UDP, if you will. I was 12 years old and on Omegle, and I put “kids” as my interest. I thought that would mean I’d see other kids. I was gravely mistaken. Now, I’m not 100 percent sure what you saw, but I think it’s safe to say that some serious unpacking is necessary. 

This week, I will be ranking some of the most popular porn categories from the least to most concerning, so my loyal followers know when to run from the Zuckerburg-eyed, sore-wristed sex freaks of the world. Yes, despite all instinct, Sex on the WKND is here to kinkshame.

1 Amateur

In most cases, amateur porn — colloquially known as “noobs with boobs” — is the greenest flag in the industry. A low bar, I’ll admit. Amateur videos are often made by people in relationships who are interested in sharing their connection with the world. This often means more realistic positions, penises and passion — and too little experience to be problematic.

2 Massage

Honestly, I think this one is kinda hot.

3 Blowjob

There’s nothing inherently unusual about feeling fellatious from time to time. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal of a sweet, slurping lovescape too. However, when someone has the whole internet at their beck and call, why would that call be “suck my dick?”

4 Threesome

Threesomes are harder to follow than the latest Christopher Nolan release. There are too many characters, too many storylines and no sense of linear time. But at least you can always count on Michael Caine to make a cameo.

5 Masturbation

Life may mimic art, but if you’re gonna fuck yourself, at least let it be a mutual affair.

6 Hardcore/Romantic 

You know that political-spectrum diagram that people use to prove that communism and fascism are the same thing? It’s the same concept; there’s a fine line between cock rings and promise rings. Extremism is bad.

7 Stepsibling

This category is way more popular than it should be. I don’t have any siblings — step or otherwise — so I can say with a completely unbiased, outsider view that this is strange. I know “Game of Thrones” — and the Queen, may she rest in peace — normalized fucking your family, but I think we need to vary our gene pools before the next generation pops out with Habsburg jaws. 

8 Virtual Reality

You are not an ex-machina metaversal sexbot who only fucks via blockchain. Stop pretending you are. At least go analog and pleasure yourself with a copy of “The Rumpus.” Even that soiled sex rag has more decorum.

9 Hentai

Anyone that fantasizes about fucking anything but other humans should not be fucking other humans.

10 Any ethno-specific descriptions

I really couldn’t end with anything else — unless you want to go back to the kids section on Omegle. 

If you feel affronted after reading this, that’s on you. I recommend going to therapy, learning to do missionary and liking it. 

Or maybe missionary is all you get, and that’s why you’re watching porn in the first place. In that case, maybe try flipping her over.

SEX ON THE WKND