Welcome back to Sex on the WKND! We’re an anonymous YDN column dedicated to answering your burning questions about sex, love and anything in between. Last year, we had one writer, but now we are a collective of students, each with our own unique sexual and romantic experiences. We’ve had straight sex, queer sex and long, long periods without sex. We’ve been in long-term relationships, we’ve walked twenty minutes to avoid former hookups on Cross Campus and we’ve done the whole FroCo-group-cest thing. We may be different this year, but we’re still sex-positive, we’re still anti-capitalist, and we sure as hell still support the Green New Deal.
Obsessing over sex is a Yale tradition as old as the Oldest College Daily itself. Whether you’re fucking your roommate, still yearning for your first kiss, or dealing with an unsettling skin rash, Sex on the WKND is here for you. Nothing is too personal or silly. Ask us anything 😉
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My partner and I got tired of using condoms and recently had a pregnancy scare. It’s time to look at some birth control options, but there are just so many. How do I choose?
-OhhhBabyNoBabies
Let’s start with this: condoms don’t have to be boring. Sure, if you’re going to the local Walgreens, the most exciting option you’re gonna get is “thin and ribbed.” But check Yale laundry rooms, and you’ll find a variety of neon colors. Some shops have a range of flavors. My personal favorites are the condoms that glow in the dark; is there anything more alluring? However, I completely understand the desire for a more concrete form of birth control. In fact, I’ve been protected for three years now! It’s the sense of security that most are drawn to.
The first and preferred mode of defense is abstinence. Just kidding, as if. The pill is a classic first-time contraceptive. In fact, this is still my birth control method of choice. However, despite the advertised ease of use, the pill is the most difficult to manage. When taken correctly, skin and sperm are easily cleared. But one wrong move, and you’re risking the next 18 years and nine months of your life. You need killer time-management skills. Even with the added inconvenience, a sense of camaraderie results from taking the pill. In a crowded room at 9 p.m., you’ll be sure to hear the alarms of other members of the contraceptive community.
Maybe you’re thinking, “I need something more advanced!” I got you covered. The intrauterine device, or IUD, is an up-and-coming yet slightly controversial method. The process is simple and long-lasting; a small T-shaped device is inserted into the uterus, serving as your personal bodyguard for 8-10 years. No entry permitted. It’s tighter security than the frats on High Street on Friday night. With something so long-lasting, you may be wondering what the downsides are. While doctors claim this procedure is painless, there are several horror stories. I’m talking fainting, cysts, infections and excruciating pain. Also, you may be subject to what I call RPS, or robo-pussy syndrome — sexual partners may occasionally feel the wires that protrude from your cervix. Is that sexy? I’ll let you decide.
Next, we have a series of shots. No, not the good, fun-feeling kind. First is the Depo-Provera. Every 12 weeks, you’ll be subject to a needle in your ass for only 94% effectiveness. This one’s for my masochists and risk-takers. You know who you are. The next is Nexaplon, which implants a contraceptive device into your forearm. If you opt for this method, I’d try not to look; the thing stabbing you is more of a sharp metal straw than a needle. It lasts up to four years with over 99% effectiveness. Beyond preventing unwanted pregnancy, asking someone to feel it serves as a cool party trick. One of my friends was able to trick her conspiracy-loving coworker into thinking the COVID-19 vaccine actually did microchip her.
If you’re feeling really experimental — and really trusting in your partner — male birth control is on the rise. Honestly, this makes a lot of sense to me; a wise woman once said, “it makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.” The most seductive form of this contraception is the “ball bath.” This baby-blocking-bidet uses ultrasound heat to temporarily block sperm mobility, lasting for a maximum of six months. Essentially, it’s a premium massage.
Regardless of your choice, make sure that choice is highly informed. Though I think my advice is objectively great, try talking to an experienced doctor, a trusted friend or your partner. Sometimes, hearing your ideas reflected in another person can help guide decision-making. But in the end, trust your instincts; you know what’s right for you. And if all else fails, there’s always Plan B!