“So don’t contact me about being lactose intolerant and therefore arguing dairy milk is bad. I probably am too but I just don’t care.” 

I said I would write it and here it is. 

If there was a liquid to be passionate about, it would be milk. One of my three life goals is to own 51 percent of the dairy milk industry. That passion will not disappear. Milk stock will not fail us. I would have to say that milk is more than just a beverage to enjoy; it is a state of mind; it is a state of being. I don’t like to throw the word cult around. But if there should be any cult at all, there should be a cult revolving around milk — one including milk drinkers of 2 percent and whole milk alike; one percent is on thin ice. It’s for those who drink milk and/or eat milk complements such as Nabisco products and all the combinations that can ever be possible with milk. The more the merrier, the more the milkier of a galaxy we should want to live in.

Everyone who drinks milk without disdain is a hero to the world in my eyes. Bear in mind, I mean dairy milk. Milk that comes from a cow. Not the almond milk, not the soy, the oats, the wheats and all the other knockoffs that could possibly ever dare to exist. Every conversation I have where I defend my view is as if I was defending a dissertation in milk. There are people who are lactose intolerant, of course, but more often than not it’s also people who are jumping on the bandwagon. “Oh it’s amazing, it tastes great.” They receive one hint of criticism about the taste and the disgusting feeling after swallowing these disgraceful substitutes, then they give the famous one liner “well this brand just sucks … it’s better in ‘insert location here’ … they don’t really know how to make it … I usually drink a better one.” Real milk from the cow has always been consistent in never letting me down. It is there for us when we are sad, when we need energy, need a warm glass to sleep or just want some light in our days. 

There is a war on campus over milk.  I currently lead a great effort in campaigning against the anti-dairy milk group. The anti-milk crowd has warned me of writing, but threats don’t hold me down. My own siblings are lactose intolerant. I likely am too. However, there is only a certain amount of care that can go into the world to give up some of mother nature’s best products. Anti-dairy milk groups have no leg to stand on. I recently read an article blasting students who are milk drinkers, as if that was a turn off. I would say tarnishing the name of milk is a turn off. 

I watch proudly as the @yalemilkdrinkers instagram account features the future of this nation guzzling down milk. Many critics have expressed their judgment. Unconfirmed critical analysis — by other Yale students that I hope are wrong — shows this account is sarcastic and in reality mocks milk drinkers. Our social media posts should not be censoring milk. We should not be shamed when we like milk. I would like to quote an anonymous source  — there is significance in their request for anonymity — “I feel so free when I drink milk in my living room at home and I don’t need to fear the criticism in the dining hall.” When I drink one of my daily glasses of milk I should not be shamed. I eat a cookie or a brownie with milk and the crowd loses their mind. I drank milk with the pie on Pi Day and was ridiculed. Even the great Michael Scott himself from The Office drinks milk with sugar every morning. I drank milk while eating a burger, and I lost respect for my friends who said I was a monster. Yet last time I checked, people have milkshakes with burgers, what is the difference?

Lex Luthor told us in Zack Snyder’s Batman v Superman that the bells have rung. Could he have been talking about the bells to wake up, accept milk and praise dairy milk? He could be referencing the bells of Harkness. The pleasure of drinking milk is almost a perfect substitute for my dream of Harkness Tower playing the songs from Harry Potter. Fellow Yalies, hear the alarms, the bells, the signs. Do not let the anti-milk shouters win. Defend your milk drinking. Join the milk side. The milk militia.