Sophie Henry

Should Not:

  1. Economics

The official major for what we like to call “Econ” requires courses in Econometrics and Quantitative Economics, and I can assure you 90 percent of the self-proclaimed “Econ” majors don’t know what any of that is. Econometrics also sounds like a Transformer and probably is one.

  1. English Language and Literature

I’m an English major, and I’m paying $70,000 a year to learn a language I already know.

  1. Psychology
  1. American Studies

When I was drafting this piece, my outline note for why American Studies shouldn’t exist said: “DOWN WITH AMERICA,” and I think that’s solid enough.

  1. Romance Language, Literatures, and Linguistics

All college relationships are crashing and burning. This major doesn’t contribute shit to campus.

  1. Applied Physics

Any major that requires you to apply yourself should not exist.  

  1. Mathematics and Computer Science

This is not a major. This is two majors. This is also a breeding ground for lots and lots of testosterone. 

  Mathematics and Philosophy

This is not a major. This is two majors. And they have nothing to do with each other. This is also a breeding ground for assholes.

   Mathematics and Physics

This is university assisted masochism and should not be promoted nor encouraged. Please seek treatment and join a humanities extracurricular, but not the YDN.

  1. Applied Math

Anyone who’s taken calculus knows that math cannot be applied. At all. To anything. In fact, there’s no such thing as “math.” “Math” was invented by someone who couldn’t read.

  1. Middle/Near Eastern and Semitic Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics

I’m Egyptian, and the British colonization of Egypt was less colonialist than this.

   Modern Middle East Studies

Closer, except make sure there’s at least one Middle Eastern professor. This doesn’t work when all the professors are white.

  1. Urban Studies

The urbans are fine. The rurals are the ones always voting red — shouldn’t we be studying them instead?

  1. Classical Civilization

What does this mean? Any major that is vague in its title should cease to exist as the major it has been declared.

  1. Political Science

There is nothing scientific about political. Apparently, in 2016, we felt overwhelming pressure to elect a president that proves that.


Majors That Should Exist

  1. Open Curriculum

It’s difficult to imagine not boxing students into weird, unfit categories and making them toil and suffer through requirements that make no sense and add no tangible benefits to their life. But since Yale has decided to become the ~funky~ and ~cool~ aunt and actually NOT be need blind — allegedly — when it makes its admissions decisions, maybe it can make MoRe InFoRmEd DeCiSiOnS about majors too!

  1. Pre-Med

I don’t know if you’ve heard, because every “pre-med” student ever has declared to the rest of the world that they are, in fact, “pre-med” — pre-medicine? or pre in desperate need of cognitive corrective medication? haha — but there’s this thing called “pre-med” that apparently makes you better than everyone else? And I can’t imagine a world where it wouldn’t be the only defined major to make sure that the rest of the college students are constantly aware of their inferior status1.