Sophie Henry
Dear Sex on The Weekend, I’ve somehow found myself inside and in between multiple partners, ranging from once-a-month hookups to genuine romanic engagements. How do I widdle down my options???
-TooSexedUp
So you avoided the so-called “cuffing season” and went with the complete opposite. I appreciate the rebellion! Monogamy is a rigid establishment that not everyone is ready for. Let’s be real — we’re college students. We don’t need someone to take home and show our parents. What we’re looking for is someone to keep us company when the party’s over.
But as numbers rise, it can get overwhelming. Sure, you’re not committed to anyone —I hope — but lines can easily be blurred. You show up to the wrong apartment and make an only child joke when the person you’re about to share a pillow — and much more —with has four siblings. God forbid, you mistakenly yell out the wrong name during sex. If this mixing and matching of details hasn’t happened yet, it will. And it’ll be awkward.
I’ll admit, I’ve found myself in this sticky situation before. During the winter of my first year at Yale, in the midst of meeting loads of new people and figuring out my type, I got caught between a YSIGxSigNu bro, a political science section asshole and an ethereal bisexual. Each of them served their own purpose. I got into High Street parties consistently; I learned what mansplaining was and I discovered that if I find rose quartz under my pillow, it’s because the universe wants me to fall in love! Despite these obvious benefits of “playing the game,” my involvement began to eat me alive. In the bad way. And so, as the sun began to peek through the clouds once again, I made my decision.
It was time for some spring cleaning.
Like the famous cleansing-connoisseur Marie Kondo says, we must throw away anything that does not spark joy. It’s okay if you have a hard time with this. I also can’t detach my sentimentality from things that need to be thrown away — I find myself justifying keeping things like my full set of baby teeth. Throwing things out signifies the end of an era. It connotes moving on from the sweet indulgence of memories. It implies growth. In the case of romantic relations, that’s exactly what we need.
Spring is the season of reevaluation. It gives us time to reflect on why we bought certain items, detach ourselves from them and decide how to move forward. Need I explain the connection to our love lives? Whether a partner is a milk-drinker, enjoys the movie “Wolf of Wall Street” or prefers a vacuum seal suck to a kiss, reassessment is necessary. However, there are always going to be some redeeming qualities to consider; otherwise, you would not have been hooking up in the first place. This complicates decisions. And so, we revert to the classic game of choice: fuck, marry, kill. Well, not exactly. In this case, we’ll still group people into three categories, just with slightly different — and more socially acceptable — names: one pile to keep, one to alter and one to discard. While downsizing is typically an absolute negative in romantic settings, it holds legitimate value in this case. Here’s how to sort:
- The keep pile. This is reserved for the best of the best. It’s fine if no one fits into this category at this moment — it takes time to find the right one. The keep pile requires someone to be empathetic, generous and has never failed to make you orgasm. It’s a tough job to land yourself here! If someone checks all these boxes, you’ve found a real winner. However, you also need to ask yourself if you’re ready for the commitment this pile implies. If things begin to wither before next spring, would they still be a keeper?
- The alter pile. This is for the people you find defending to your friends: “They can change!!! I swear!!!” Unlikely, but it does happen! Maybe they’re really vanilla, but you’re into the whole “training” thing. Maybe they exclusively reach out to you at 2 a.m., but you’re 100 percent positive it’s only because they’ve been busy. By any means, you’re sure their flaws are just a fluke. Give them a chance! *Economic, computer science and philosophy majors — and any other lost causes — are automatically ineligible from this pile.
- The discard pile. This is what spring cleaning is all about. It is the time to take stock of the person you are, redefine expectations and work towards a neater future by letting things go. To be completely honest, this pile is where most people belong. Nobody is worth your time if they are helplessly into League of Legends, still keep Snapchat streaks, or unironically play table tennis. And, more often than not, that’s the demographic we’re talking about. Yale students — at their core — are walking red flags.
Ultimately, spring cleaning is not just about getting rid of clutter. It’s an excuse to ask yourself which relationships you love and why, what you can salvage and what isn’t worth the stress. But before you say your last goodbyes, feel free to enjoy one last “hurrah!” Bang them all. Release your inhibitions. Let your winter woes take you to places your spring self will be ashamed to go. Then time to get to work.