Sophie Henry

Dear Nameless Yale Student We Only Know You by Your MyChart NetID Login,

 It seems as of early this morning, like around 4:37am, you haven’t gotten your routine COVID test. I write to inform you that you will be personally — and respectfully — drop kicked by Dean Marvin Chun if you don’t comply. If you have already made up your missed test today, you can disregard this email, but know that we don’t make mistakes and we also don’t believe you. If you haven’t, haul your ass to York St. or Commons or wherever the fuck you want to get your damn test. You’re overdue by 6 minutes, and if you don’t complete your test within the next 15 seconds, we’re going to sue you in a court of law for violently violating our Community Compact. You will also be locked out of the gates of Yale and thrown into the gates of Hell, which is marked Lanman-Wright Hall from the outside. If you become a repeat offender, campus security and Chief Ronnell Higgins will be forced to escort you out of Connecticut and send you back to wherever you came from. Even if you live in Connecticut, your Connecticut resident status will be revoked, and you will be reassigned to Massachusetts, home of John Harvard. 

If you are having issues scheduling a test, please call the COVID Resource Line at We-Don’t-Have-One-It’s-Not-That-Hard, or you can try We-Actively-Want-To-Expel-You-And-This-Makes-It-Easier to speak to the only nurse in all of New Haven who is desperately burnt out and overworked but we don’t care because we VaLuE yOuR sAfEtY. Or, you can review our detailed testing instructions and FAQs online.

 To schedule your test go to: www.yale.everydayacovidtesteveryhouracovidtesteverymomentacovidtest.edu.com.net and LOGIN TO FUCKING MYCHART SO WE CAN FUCKING SCAN YOU IN. DO NOT LOG IN AS A GUEST YOU FUCKING MORON. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS?????? 

If this is a technical inaccuracy — and indeed you tested yesterday — no it is not, bitch! But please let us know right away if this is the case so we can tell your Dean to get ‘public indecency’ engraved on your transcript and all of your professors to fail you.

Thank you for your swift attention to this matter.

Best regards,

The YCDO “Health” and “Safety” Team

Please get your COVID test immediately or we will personally inject and infect you with Hepatitis C and saw your head off on cross campus for everyone to see — we’d all rather be safe than sorry!