Jessai Flores
1. YDN Reporters
In my entirely unbiased opinion, men who write for the one and only Yale Daily News are the best men on Yale’s campus. Bonus points if they write for the WKND desk. Absolute Logan from Gilmore Girls vibes, always up late to text you back, will bring you coffee because they’re getting some for themselves too. Also, they know when cool things are happening on campus.
2. FOOT Leaders
Ah, FOOT Leaders, the true salt of the Earth. Think of everything you want in a guy and I guarantee you, a FOOT leader has it. Athletic? You bet. Good listener? Listened to ten children telling their life stories. Strong? A FOOT leader can and will carry you on his back if the occasion arises; hopefully, it won’t be because you broke your ankle while hiking. Will he sacrifice his life for you? I mean, he’s trained to fight a bear. Picture this: riding on his back around Central Park because your feet got tired on your day-long date in the city. Outdoorsy guys appreciate the little things in nature, so they will appreciate the little things about you. Plus you’ll have cute hiking photos for your Instagram!
3. Musicians
What every woman wants most is a man who can listen. A man who remembers their Starbucks order, knows that they don’t like to drive in the snow, or is able to bring up that one time they almost spilled an entire glass of water on Peter Salovey — this definitely did not happen to me. And who listens better than a musician, specifically a musician in an orchestra? — soloist musicians, unfortunately, can only listen to themselves. Dating a musician brings perks such as being serenaded with your favorite songs, stress-free tickets to the YSO Halloween show, or possibly having a song written for you. This definitely also applies to Acappella men who convince their group to sing a love song for you.
4. Buttery Workers
A rare type of man: a man who can cook. It may just be dino nuggets and quesadillas, but it’s the thought that counts. Of all the men that can cook, buttery workers are the best because they’ve got community spirit. They know everybody, and they can feed you while you girlboss your way through your CS psets. You’ve got to be a really nice and fun person to work in the buttery. Someone willing to put in the late-night time to be a great member of their resco will definitely put in the time to be a great boyfriend. A buttery worker is truly a breadwinner in both respects.
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16. Heavyweight crew boys from the UK
17. Skinny international students who subsist off cigarettes
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27. TFs (only the hot ones)
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32. The Big Football Players Riding their Scooters (if they beat H*rv*rd)
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85. Peter Salovey
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96. Econ Bros
Do I really need to elaborate here? Have fun being talked down to constantly. It’s okay if you don’t understand what they’re saying because they don’t understand either. And they’re not necessarily right. They’ll rat you out for stealing at the Bow Wow while they steal right from the stock market. They’ve sold out to the world of finance or consulting and would sell you out too. They will make lots of money but will only find joy in their annual tax evasion scheme. This can be nulled if they’re double majoring. You gotta make some money so that you can have somewhere to live while working on your novel.
97. YPU Debaters
Do you really want to get into a relationship with a man who argues for fun? YPU men may think they are cool but only because they have argued their way out of anyone trying to say otherwise. Good luck trying to order takeout together without three objections and a lengthy closing argument.
98. McKinsey Interns
Joining the ranks are the men who cannot spell opportunity, who sold out as a first-year, and who think anyone has anything to gain by consulting them. At least wait until junior year to give in to the temptation of consulting! That way, you’ll have some dignity restored. By the way, men who emailed in the chain clowning the McKinsey people are not excluded from this. A lot of them probably secretly applied anyway. Also, they broke my gmail.
99. The Mansplainers in Directed Studies
If you are in DS, and your motivation is not to learn the secrets of the patriarchy so that you can then systematically dismantle it, what on Earth are you doing? Defending Machiavelli? Saying Aristotle was right? Absolutely not. If you want to find some of the most pretentious men you have ever met, look no further than the DS men who say they like Aristotle. And if the phrase “well the advancing freedoms of women in this time was great, BUT” comes out of your mouth, don’t even bother saying anything else.
100. That suite of guys who inexplicably scream for an hour and a half on a random Monday night
Yes, you. The WKND is over, buckle down and do some work like the rest of us, you know who you are. What can there possibly be to scream about on a Monday night? If you need to scream that badly, go find the YPU debaters from number 98. Or one of the musicians from number 3, they’ll listen.