Giovanna Truong

Few people know the key to getting over losing a man has absolutely nothing to do with you — and everything to do with the man. That’s why I’ve decided to craft an original guide to picking the right man to get over losing in 10 days. Before I begin, I want to reassure you that 10 days is a generous, ballparked estimate. If you don’t take the full 10 days, that is completely fine. Off the record, I believe 10 days is far too long of a time. If I could speak freely, 10 minutes is more like it. But for some of our slow cookers, anything less than 10 days might seem too lofty, and I want to make sure my technique panders to everyone.

 So, let’s get right to business — how do we identify our target man to get over?

First and foremost — pick an ugly one. And while there is no canonized standard for ugliness, here are a few key things to look for when trying to identify the ‘ugly’ in the ‘man’ — although some say they’re interchangeable!

Ears are the defining quality of ugliness. You heard me. If his ears are two different sizes, snatch that fucking man. If his ears are inside out, harass that man til’ he has no choice but to succumb. Cat call, slap ass, stalkingly follow through the New York City subway. Then, after about 54 minutes of stalking, when he starts to do the Sexual Predator Shuffle — this is when a man is trying to sprint in different directions simultaneously, so he goes wide left one foot then wide right with the other — pick up the pace and pull out a spin move. And if he doesn’t respond well to your advances, pull out the ear card. I want you to shout, as loud as you can, “Nobody will ever love you because you have fucking yoda ears, you cunt!” That’ll get his attention. Then repeat “You cunt!” with a blank stare, and they’ll fall deeply in love with you.

 Second and secondmost — pick a braggart, 73%-megalo-27%-ego-maniac. Mussolini types are the fucking best. If that man wants nothing more than to stomp on you and remind you constantly that you make approximately negative 50 cents to his dollar, marry him. Have his children instantly. Now the other way around does work too — although not as effective. What I mean is, you can also pick a man who is meek and mute. Not literally — they talk to everybody else and have a great time — but they never talk to you. Sometimes, they disappear for days and return in a bright red 1996 tracksuit. Other times, they block you randomly and return weeks later with a switchblade knife on your doorstep. And if you get really lucky, they’ll be on the run for a decade and return with 13 children with 11 different nationalities. 

 Third and lastmost — pick a man who is uncircumcised. Girl, have you ever seen an uncircumcised penis? It is the most disorienting thing in the world. You’ll have no idea what you’re looking at and no idea what to do with it, but you’ll be too deep in to turn back. So just close your eyes and suck it all up and in. Uncircumcised penises are like the Alec Baldwins of comedy — nobody likes them, but nobody talks about them either. Moral of the story — bag that uncircumcised dick.

 Okay — inverted ears, Saddam Hussein-like dictatorship intensity and a pretzel dog penis. Are you with me? If your man has all three, there’s a no-fucking-percent-chance you won’t get over him in 10 days. Can I speak freely again? If it takes you more than five minutes to get over losing this man, I am fucking judging you as hard as that man’s penis got when he saw Samantha Jones trying to up her libido in Sex and the City 2. What I’ve given you is a fucking fool proof formula. No loopholes. No catches. No buts. So once again, I’m stressing the importance of finding a man with all three of the attributes listed above.

But let’s say you fuck up, and you’ve found a man with only two of the attributes listed above? Well lucky for you, I gave you the fucking grace period. All three attributes is a guaranteed 30 seconds — in bed and to get over him. Two attributes, shouldn’t take you longer than 2 minutes — in bed and to get over him.

But what if the bastard only has one? What if his penis is just uncircumcised? Then fine, take the 10 days. I won’t judge. I get it. I promise I understand — pigs in a blanket can be delicious in the moment even if they want to make you projectile vomit 5 minutes later.