Dora Guo

Are you sick of mediocre man sex? In love with your econ TF? Worried corona has killed your love life? You’re in luck! WKND’s own anonymous love guru is here with a new biweekly column to answer your questions about all things sex, romance, and relationships at Yale. Whether you’re pining over your ex or fed up with a clingy FWB, she’s probably been in your shoes before and is ready to help. Don’t be shy: submit your questions here.

“My midterm grades were really bad and I think I should change my priorities at Yale. I want to find a rich spouse, but where? Is it still possible to marry up at Yale?”

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably come across the (since disgraced) website YaleStudents.com this past week. I, of course, was drawn to various bar graphs in the data section. The data masterminds behind the site knew exactly what we wanted to see: median house prices of Yalies by first name. To no one’s real surprise, it turns out that people named Jeremy have the most expensive homes.

Now, how do we find our Jeremys? Below are some classic rich archetypes at Yale. Luckily for you, you don’t have to sacrifice your own personal interests and values to marry up at Yale. By understanding these characteristics, you’ll be able to identify and secure the right Jeremy for you.

Elmhurst rich Jeremy

  • Sad boi
  • Pulp Fiction poster in apartment bedroom (obviously in the Elmhurst in case that wasn’t clear)
  • Control Group
  • Only wears clothes from Savers but goes to the Hamptons every other weekend
  • Turns to short women for emotional validation

OIS counselor Jeremy

  • Tells you stories of clubbing in Mexico City 
  • Daddy owns half of Singapore
  • Frequents the Blake Hotel rooftop
  • Books an entire restaurant for their dog’s birthday party

DI athlete Jeremy

  • Father probably implicated in the 2019 admissions scandal
  • Enrolled in squash lessons by age 5

ABG (Asian Boss Girl) Jeremy

  • Outspoken
  • Global or econ major
  • Always wears one of many Van Cleef necklaces
  • Probably in APhi (you’re out of luck if you’re not white though :/)

FOOT leader Jeremy

  • Old money, but new Chaco tan from their last backpacking trip in the Adirondacks 
  • Only burden is the gallon of salsa in their pack
  • Will appear emotionally vulnerable during a hometown but still hit you with that “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now”

Now, depending on your commitment to this endeavor, I offer you some recommendations — ranging from easy to extremely difficult — for locking down your sugar spouse.

Easy

  • Take classes known to be popular among the Jeremys. Examples include: “Private Equity Investing,” “The Global Financial Crisis” (a real hot spot for people dealing with the guilt of knowing their family played a significant part in the last financial crisis), “Corporate Finance,” any upper level art history course, “The Modern French Novel.”
  • Become a FOOT leader (if you’re into the FOOT Jeremy, that is)

Medium

  • To really succeed in this mission, you’ve got to make some investments in yourself (don’t worry, you’ll know what I mean after taking “Private Equity Investing”). Rich attracts rich at Yale, so the best way to get your wedding ring by spring is to revamp your public persona. Projecting wealth on social media is probably the easiest way to do this. Post an Instagram story of an IPA in the forest and set your location to the Rockies. Find some rich friends and steal their clothes (they won’t notice). When you’re DMing a Jeremy, make sure to drop in a long rant about how your grandma in Milan is still making everyone fly to her villa during the pandemic for Christmas Eve. You get the picture.

Difficult

  • Think long and hard about what your rich Jeremy is yearning after. They’ve got Daddy’s AmEx, they’ve got the Colbert show internship (courtesy of their great aunt’s neighbor), and they’ve got their circle of besties from Theta. What does someone who has it all still want? I obviously can’t generalize for everybody. But rich people everywhere (and especially at Yale) are incredibly insecure about whether the people around them think that they have an actual personality aside from being rich. Milk that vulnerability and milk it HARD. Emotionally validate the hell out of your new love interest and try to make up for the love that their parents never gave them.

Seducing the rich takes a diligent work ethic, and social climbing is all about playing the long game. Flex that Yale brain, smarty, and don’t give up when things seem hopeless. You’ll have access to Jeremy’s trust fund before you know it. Don’t forget to send me an invite to the wedding!

Sex on the Wknd | sexonthewknd@gmail.com