Alice Mao

I’m fucking my roommate and we’re madly in love. No one knows about us. What should I do?

What should you do? This evening, while you were probably going doggy with your roomie lover, my roommate and I spent 20 minutes hip thrusting (bodyweight only) to the beat of 2010s pop music so we could get the bubble butts of our dreams. I love my roommate, but as we raised our hips and clenched our butt cheeks for the 900th time, I couldn’t help but wish it was my 8-inch ex thrusting into me — instead of us thrusting toward the paint peeling on the ceiling.

Major props to you for not only finding a pandemic-friendly fuck buddy, but finding a pandemic-friendly fuck buddy you can meet up with without putting shoes on. (I’m assuming you don’t wear shoes inside the house — if people who wear shoes indoors are finding love right now then things are really fucked for me.) As someone who pined over her disgustingly gorgeous roommate all summer, I’m not surprised you’ve fallen madly in love. After a few weeks living in quarantine together, even your disheveled roommate who leaves stacks of dirty dishes in the kitchen and sheds hair all over the sink starts to appear sexier and sexier as the days go on. The tension builds every morning and night in the Jack & Jill bathroom when your hand brushes against theirs as you both reach for your toothbrushes. Before you know it, their disgusting habits have become “cute” “quirks” and you’re fantasizing about them during house game night. After all, who else is there to pine after?

Since no one knows about your situation right now, perhaps consider keeping it that way. Sneak in a wink or a dirty text over the dinner table and relish in your other roommates’ cluelessness. Knock on their door at 3 a.m. or squeeze in a quickie between Zoom classes. Cover their mouth during sex and point toward the thin walls. There’s nothing hotter than a secret love affair. 

But at some point, the sneaking around, the lying to your roommates, the absolute lack of privacy in your own home, will get old. The fact that your fuck buddy lives two doors down will seem more suffocating than convenient. Maybe you’ve already reached that stage and that’s why you’re reaching out to an anonymous sex columnist for advice. 

You’re keeping this scandalous affair secret for a reason — why? Are you scared that your friends and roommates will disapprove? Are you worried your feelings are circumstantial and will fade away when the pandemic ends? When’s the last time roommate-cest actually worked out for anyone?

If you’re both madly in love, you shouldn’t be afraid to raise these questions with your roommate. What are they going to do — move out? Embrace the fact that we are living in a godforsaken pandemic and it’s a beautiful thing that you’ve found love during these apocalyptic times. The people in your life might be shocked at first, but crazier things have happened these past few weeks, like Zayn and Gigi making a baby and Yale Health telling us not to rim because… COVID. 

Speaking of the elephant in the room, roommate-cest is one of the best ways to practice Yale-approved “Safe Sex” during the pandemic. Sleep easy tonight in your twin-XL knowing you and your roommate are doing your part to keep the community safe.

Stay close without being close: Consensual virtual connections over the phone or on web platforms can be ways to interact socially and sexually without exchanging fluids.
Lucky you! With a roomie, you can enjoy the full capacity of your fluid privilege and spare your poor eyes of any more screen time.

Spice it up: Use this time to liven up your sex life while staying safe! Though wearing a mask while having sex might not be your thing, it is a good way to add a layer of protection, especially since heavy breathing can spread the virus further.
Unlike the rest of Yale, you and your roommate can escape that awkward “Wellllllllllll, should we take our masks off now?” dilemma when meeting a new partner. And if you’re into it, wearing a mask during sex is basically breath play, and everyone knows breath play is really fucking hot.

Think Twice: Rimming, or any sexual activity that involves putting your mouth on the anus, might spread COVID-19. Virus in feces may enter your mouth and potentially cause an infection. Consider pressing pause for now.
This concern isn’t relevant for you, so long as you and the roomie are getting tested regularly and keeping a limited social circle. Press play, baby.

Sex on the wknd | sexonthewknd@gmail.com