I’m just going to come out here and say it: AirPods look fucking stupid. I’m sorry, I get it. You’re trying to find a way to look like you’re better than everyone else without having to say it outright, but this has gone too far. Next time, stick to the LSE pullover that you got in your “totally legitimate” study abroad session last summer.
The first time I saw a pair of AirPods was when I came to Yale last year. I figured that it must just be an East Coast thing and pushed my subtle, Midwestern anger aside. It wasn’t until about halfway through my first year when, all of a sudden, everyone had little white sticks coming out of their ears. I felt personally attacked for no reason. Was I immune to this alien invasion of the ears because I went to a high school whose name is longer than one word?
Someone who uses regular headphones, the ones with the perpetually tangled cords, might be found representing middle-American values, listening to Katy Perry’s 2010 classic hit “Firework,” and casually waiting in line for their Durfee’s chicken tenders for lunch every day. The AirPods user, on the other hand, is listening to a self-empowerment TED talk, getting their lunch at Book Trader, and looks like the Miley Cyrus meme where she just stares at you with Disney Channel demon eyes. They go to Haas already and subtly tell everyone how they would’ve voted for Obama three times as they blast an NPR podcast since they’re so much better than the rest of us. Try to get over the fact that your AirPods look like a crossover between if you got a Q-tip stuck in your ear or your ear is taking a fat rip-off of a baby white Juul.
Additionally, you’re paying $160 for the same thing as EarPods — that’s what they’re called now, apparently — just without a wire. There are so many other alternatives to AirPods which are more cost-effective and have better sound quality, anyway. You just proved every thesis of your introductory microeconomics course incorrect by following simple brand loyalty as opposed to rational consumer choice. If you want to undermine award-winning economic work, go ahead but I am not here for it.
Another problem comes in the winter when people’s ears start to get cold. A rational consumer who got their free Beats with their MacBook purchase at the start of the school year would use their Beats as ear warmers. Now, people who actually use ear warmers or hats are just using them to protect their Airpods. The shit is not even about warmth anymore.
In garnering student feedback for this piece, an anarcho-communist Yalie, who wished to remain anonymous to be protected from the bourgeoisie elite, claimed: “If I were to have completed my revolution, the first people to go would be those with AirPods.” Since when has it become socially acceptable to get meals with people and have someone leave in one Airpod? We have to draw the line somewhere for human decency.
One of the more irrational things about AirPods is that you not only have to charge the AirPods themselves but you then have to charge the case for your AirPods. Who wants to have some sort of Inception-level charging apparatus? Also, if you lose your AirPods you have to go buy another set of AirPods to replace them. At that point, please just buy a pair of Beats.
I often see people fiercely pacing and talking to themselves. I used to think that everyone was going insane — believable — but then I realized that no, everyone was just mumbling to their AirPods. Sad!
At the end of the day, you might be asking: “Lindsay would you ever get AirPods?” The answer is: Yes. I bought them after my Beats got stolen somewhere between Colorado and Wisconsin. I have regretted it ever since. I’m sorry I’m a sellout. Apple owns us all.
Lindsay Jost | email@example.com .