It’s hard to get to Yale.
Yale students, be sure to read that carefully. It’s hard to get there, not so hard to get in. Of course, you could drive if you’re coming from a reasonable distance, but if you’re from anywhere outside of a six-hour radius, that trek becomes unreasonable.
Most people fly, but even if you fly, there’s not really an airport close to New Haven. Some people fly to LaGuardia and then take either a train or a two-plus hour shuttle ride through New York traffic to get to campus.
The Hartford airport — if you want to call it that — is closer, but still just far enough that it’s unreasonable to take an Uber, though your driver would probably give you five stars for taking the lengthy trip. If you choose to do that, you’re footing a $60 (that’s, like, eight Felipe’s burritos), 45-minute Uber from the city to Yale in addition to the cost of your plane ticket. Compound that with the $73,180 annual cost of attendance for a worthless degree (ranked 1270th by The Economist, yikes …) and getting to Yale just becomes unnecessarily expensive.
Boston, however, has an airport — like, an actual one. For some strange reason, they only build airports in places people actually want to go.
Despite the ease of access to Cambridge, the Yale football team has opted to forgo a plane ride and instead limp into this week’s penultimate contest. Look at the roster and look at the box scores. Taking into account injuries that have recently plagued the squad, this isn’t the same Bulldog team of the last two years.
In fact, this year’s team is reminiscent of those Saybrook College students from two years ago, standing naked on the stadium walls in the freezing cold: They don’t quite measure up.
No question, Yale had a nice team last year, but this week the Bulldogs will be making use of a backup’s, backup’s, backup quarterback. Starting quarterback Kurt Rawlings ’20 — the author of Harvard’s 2017 loss who threw 177 yards and completed a touchdown in the muddy contest — bowed out for the season after suffering a leg injury against Penn on Oct. 19.
Running back Zane Dudek ’21 — who led the 2017 rushing onslaught, earning one touchdown and 64 yards — has battled injuries all season. The second-year student hasn’t been dished the ball since the team’s contest with Columbia on Oct. 27.
Even Yale’s captain is a backup.
All in all, the Bulldogs might be the only thing coming out of New Haven that is more in shambles than the students’ social lives.
Harvard, on the other hand, has sophomore Aaron Shampklin in the backfield. Oh by the way, he leads the Ivy League in rushing. The second-string back? Senior Charlie Booker, 2017 first-team All-Ivy running back. Behind him sit two dynamic sophomore backs, Devin Darrington and BJ Watson. That’s four solid running backs.
Harvard’s defense? It’s third in the nation on first down defense and fourth on third downs.
Use whatever metric you want: Rhodes scholars, Nobel Prizes, Ivy League championships, presidents, famous alumni, respective height of the mountains of which the school serves a namesake, acceptance rate, Supreme Court justices, pop culture references, people from some random country that have heard of you. Harvard wins. Every time.
Look, I get it, understanding things is hard. Perhaps you’re the poopetrator and you can’t figure out how bathrooms work. Perhaps you’re the sports board of the YDN and you can’t figure out how to write a smack talk column. Perhaps you’re the Yale football team and you can’t figure out how to win more than two years in a row. Perhaps you go to Yale and you don’t understand basic math.
In any case, the writing on the wall is clear (assuming you can read). Harvard will win tomorrow’s football game and Harvard will always win, in everything. Why?
Because Harvard is simply better.
Contact Cade Palmer at email@example.com .