Dear Yale Prefrosh,
Another Bulldog Days has come to pass. Statistically, about 800 of you will enroll at Yale, 400 of you will waste your host’s guest swipes and then go to Stanford or MIT, and 1 of you will try your first sip of beer and throw up in a sleeping bag in Lawrance Hall C21. But more importantly, another Bulldog Days means another Extracurricular Bazaar. Hundreds of you signed up for club panlists that you already regret joining and will never, ever be able to leave. Are you stuck in panlist purgatory? I’m here to tell you there’s a way out.
My name is Herbert A. Reynolds. I’m 42-and-a-half-years-old, my favorite color is green, and one fateful night I stumbled drunkenly into the Yale Daily News offices and refused to leave until they agreed to give me a guest column.
If you’re disappointed with the email panlists you joined at the extracurricular bazaar, I’m here to provide you with some alternatives. All of the following panlists are curated by yours truly, Herbert A. Reynolds.
(1) Inspirational Quote of the Day Panlist (IQOTDP) — Feeling apathetic? Finals got you down? In this panlist we sample some of the most motivational quotes from the most successful innovators in every field. Our mission is simple: to inspire the student body through the art of spoken word. Here are some IQOTDP classics:
“Holy moly, stromboli!” (Guy Fieri)
“We’re taking this bus to Flavortown!” (Guy Fieri)
“This seafood is so fresh it’ll slap ya!” (Guy Fieri)
“If it tastes really good and it’s funky, it’s funkalicious!” (Guy Fieri)
(2) Other Durfee’s Lunch Combo Panlist (ODLCP) — Does it bother you that Durfee’s only offers one lunch combo — water, fruit, Metro Chips and tenders? Sign up for this panlist to make the most of your Durfee’s run, courtesy of celebrity chef Herbert A. Reynold (that’s me). Past lunch combos include:
“The Cheese Platter”: Those little cracker barrels are like 70 cents. You could easily get 12 of them for a lunch swipe.
“Hydration Station”: This low-carb, low-calorie, low-cholesterol option consists of five Yale Waters™ and a complementary packet of mayo to wash it all down.
(3) Inspirational Scientology Quote of the Day Panlist (ISQOTDP) — Already bored of the Inspirational Quote of the Day (IQOTD)? This panlist, written by world-renowned minster of Scientology Herbert A. Reynolds (me again), offers a daily pearl of wisdom from the world’s only 100 percent verifiable and true religion. To give you a taste of ISQOTDP, here’s day one:
“Some people, well, if they don’t like Scientology, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period.” (Tom Cruise)
(4) Herbert’s Office of Career Strategy Newsletter (HOCSN) — Did you miss out on that internship you wanted? Looking for something to do over the summer? Browse through this career opportunity panlist, compiled by self-made billionaire and entrepreneur Herbert A. Reynolds. You’ll find internships in every imaginable industry, including:
Business: Come to my house on Orange Street and mow my lawn in exchange for $5.
The Arts: Mow fun patterns into my lawn.
Nonprofit: Come to my house and mow my lawn for free.
Communications: Print out flyers to get everyone else excited about mowing my lawn.
Engineering: Fix my lawnmower and then use it to mow my lawn.
Education: Teach some kids how to use a lawnmower. Then make them mow my lawn.
(5) The Ranking All 16 Volumes of L. Ron Hubbard’s Biographical Encyclopedia Club Panlist (TRA16VOLRHBECP) — This one is pretty self-explanatory. Each week we send out an email ranking all 16 volumes of L. Ron Hubbard’s Biographical Encyclopedia by different criteria. The criteria are determined by Xenu, the supreme leader of the Galactic Confederacy, and relayed to the public by Herbert A. Reynolds (me), the foremost scholar on all things L. Ron Hubbard. Here’s last week’s rundown, ranked by “the number of times each volume mentions the word ‘purification’”:
Volume 5, Volume 3, Volume 13, Volume 2, Volume 6, Volume 14, Volume 16, Volume 1, Volume 4, Volume 15, Volume 10, Volume 9, Volume 7, Volume 8, Volume 12, Volume 11.
(6) Bert’s Daily News (The BDN)* — Last but not least: Are you tired of the Yale Daily News panlist, with its quality reporting on current events from Yale University and the city of New Haven? Check out Bert’s Daily News, an up-to-the-minute panlist with stories about the life of the world’s most interesting man, Herbert A. Reynolds. Weekly columns include:
“Profile: What’s Herbert Singing in the Shower Today?” by Herbert A. Reynolds
“SciTech: How Many Pop-Tarts Fit in Herbert’s Toaster at a Time?” by Herbert A. Reynolds
“Guest Op-Ed: If You Don’t Like Scientology, well, then, fuck you. Really. Fuck you. Period” by Tom Cruise
“In The News: Herbert’s Cats’ Platelet Levels” by Herbert A. Reynolds
*A special WKND edition of the BDN documents the number of Star Trek episodes Herbert A. Reynolds illegally downloads from www.123movies.com between Friday and Sunday before his mom unplugs his computer and tells him to get a life.
Caleb Cohen | firstname.lastname@example.org