Jack Adam

It’s a problem a whole lot of us have faced: you’re young, you’re ready to explore the world, a crone from the beyond is endlessly scheming to steal your soul so she can use it in a potion of some sort and you can’t decide where to go for spring break! Luckily, the Yale Daily News is here to help. Here’s a list of ideal spring break destinations based on the type of hag that despises you!

1) Sea Hag.

If you’ve got a sea hag trailing you at all times, her sagging flesh blistered by saltwater and hatred, you’re going to want to go to Park City, Utah! At this time of year, the snow is unbeatable, the weather is glorious and the nightlife in town is beyond compare. Also, the nearest large body of water is the Great Salt Lake, which is only about five feet deep, so when the deathly pale witch who killed your mother with her dark magic inevitably kidnaps you in a burlap sack and tries to drown you in the sea, you’ll probably be able to surface easily.

2) Baba Yaga.

Where better to go for spring break than Hawaii? It’s expensive, sure, but you’re investing in memories: crystalline waterfalls in lush cloud-forests, the purest ocean you’ve ever seen and a beautiful local culture. And you’ll be catching waves or catching rays — whichever you want! — while Baba Yaga, the Slavic trickster hag whose filthy shack creeps about the dusky boreal forests on scaly chicken legs, spends the whole day back in town, her walking house deeply confused by the flocks of feral chickens that run wild in Hawaii.

3) Flocks and flocks of vicious harpies.

It might seem unusual, but trust us when we say that Washington, D.C. is never a bad choice for a spring break vacation! During the Obama years, the bar culture and club scene really kicked into overdrive, and if you’re already headed there for an internship interview or something, you’ll quickly find that you’ve got no desire to leave. Harpies, on the other hand, will want to get out of town immediately: the wind that carries them from one damned soul to the next doesn’t blow too strongly through D.C., and with the lowland geography of the region and the city’s strict limits on the height of buildings, they’ll have trouble finding a high precipice on which to savagely peck out your liver as they shriek endlessly to warn others of the wages of your hubris.

4) Cailleach.

Do you know what part of the world has a brilliant culture, welcoming people, perfect weather year-round, a vibrant craft-beer scene, and plenty of tourist attractions to keep you busy? We don’t know either, but it sure as shit isn’t Ireland! That’s right: going somewhere that’s not Ireland means you’ll probably get a fun vacation in the sun, not one where you spend three days looking at ruined nunneries and also it’s raining the whole time. Plus, you won’t have to worry about the horrid Cailleach and her stampeding hordes of horned beasts running you off the Cliffs of Moher into the roiling North Sea!

5) Glarnda, the Dire Wraith-Woman of Palm Beach, Florida.

Yes, we get it: Glarnda is bad. VERY bad. Her teeth are stained wine-red from the blood of the ungrateful South Florida children she eats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Her claws creak in the wind like nails on a chalkboard. Within the folds of her evil face you can see terrors worse than those of Hell. Some say that, if you walk down Ocean Boulevard on a windless full-moon night, you can still hear the agonized yelps of the beachgoers she has devoured. The old ones speak of an age in which she was contained, sealed within a vault of her own making, but in our benighted time she roams free, sauntering about the streets of the Miami metropolitan area as she sounds her horrible cackle to the humid night.

But still … If you’re looking for a fun spring break, you really can’t do better than Palm Beach! It’s a college cliché for a reason, and as long as you smear yourself with plenty of anchovies and young garlic before you go out on the town with your squad, you’ll probably be okay.

Micah Osler micah.osler@yale.edu