Have a flame that just won’t die out? Got asked out over Valentine’s Day and said “yes” because it was Valentine’s Day and you felt bad, but now you’re not really sure, in fact you’re pretty sure it was “no” and you’re trying to be better at saying “no” but sometimes you falter? Overthink things? Move over, Kate Hudson! It’s time to stop, drop and roll: let’s put that fire out.
Step One: Understand whom you’re dealing with. Take a deep breath: Yale Boys are easily scared of committing to you. Yale Boys will not want to miss any future prospects just because they met the one thing that makes them truly happy. He will naturally worry: What if I keep going with her and we’re on a date so I’m not jaywalking across College in time to get hit by Elon Musk’s rocket car so he never pity hires me? You might just ruin his life. Play on this fear!
For instance, try to join in on his next Skype interview. Just be there, in the back, spray painting expletives on his dorm room wall. Or, embarrass him in front of potential connections. Next time you’re walking down Chapel together for couples’ yoga, blurt out: “And so you put the cat in the pot, close the lid, simmer thirty minutes and boom, you’re done! I told you cooking isn’t so hard.”
Step Two: Get clingy, fast. Name your hypoallergenic dog after him. Write him a letter from your future selves and your seven children. Try holding his hand while he’s eating a sandwich. Look up his address on the Yale Facebook (you already have) and ask him what it was like “growing up in 57 Willow Lane?” Ask him to go to the Farmer’s Market with you in the morning. He knows this is a #$%&ing marriage proposal and he will not have it! You done.
Step Three: Be insecure about everything. When he signs off to go to bed, ask if he’s going to bed because he’s embarrassed by you. If he kisses you in the dark, ask if it’s because he thinks you’re ugly. Ask him if something is wrong, constantly, and when he vehemently protests for the umpteenth time say, “See, this is what I mean!” and start to cry.
Step Four: Make him insecure about everything. Send him inspirational quotes to “get his life back on track.” Ask him if he’s part of RALY and, when he says “No, what’s that?”, get up and leave. If he’s having a bad day, loudly ask if it’s because of his sub-par performance last night.
Step Five: Hurt his Yale Boy image. Tell his friends he was waitlisted before getting in. Hide his leather messenger bag with his fountain pen and well-loved, well-scratched Nalgene inside. Don’t tag him in Yale memes, even when they are literally so him.
And then, if he’s still clinging, God bless him, it’s time for Step Six: Just get weird. Introduce yourself to his friends using a new name, with no explanation. Introduce him with, “This is my best friend and partner in crime. We robbed a bank last year.” Cover his bed with thorny rose stems. Is he sleeping over? Read him a children’s book out loud. “Are You My Mother?” is a good classic. Guys think it’s cute when girls are always cold? Wear snow pants and a parka inside. All the time. Play Sk8er Boi, loudly, and halfway through have the epiphany that it’s your couple song. Save his fingernail clippings. Plaster your walls with photos of the back of his head.
In the end, though, don’t listen to my advice. Trust yourself — you’ve done this before.
Daisy Massey | firstname.lastname@example.org