What is it to self-improve? That’s a big, beefy question. Here at Muscle Blender, we’ve narrowed it down to three basic principles: lose weight, dye hair, talk about your workouts.

Some of our friends, and we all have them, have made New Year’s resolutions that are just not targeted toward self-improvement. “Spend more time with family,” “write a novel” or “volunteer more” are just some of the hilarious ones I’ve heard. Now I know that I’m preaching to the choir here, but just remember that these people don’t care about making the world a better, fitter place.

Wait, hold on. I see someone wearing athleisure. It hurts when people violate one of our core tenets: don’t wear athleisure in this gym. Have you even been to lululemon? Okay, I’m sorry, that’s a rude question. It’s just, next time you go please be mindful of the fact that “athleisure” and “athletic” are not on the same shelf. Thank you.

While we’re on the subject, let me just reiterate the dress code. Women: skin-tight pants with garish patterns, either a tight-fitting camisole or one that shows more skin than if you had just draped some string around you. Men: whatever you want.

Now, everything we do in this room is based on science. Our program today will follow a new, shocking study that found the best results come from high intensity, high reps, while being high. Aum.

I still see people today, bless them, going “for a jog” outdoors. Unless it’s a deca-trimarathon in the Atacama Desert for charity: Wake up, Sunshine! Reagan isn’t president anymore. Sad.

We will begin today with a deep breath in and we will recite the Muscle Blender mantra on the exhale: to love yourself tomorrow you must hate yourself today. Think about all the times you’ve eaten, all the times you’ve put your family and career before your workouts and all the times you’ve not been thinking about your weight. Feel how bad you are. Good.

Now, take your un-toned butt, stick it in the air, and stay there until you feel humiliated or the blood rushes to your head and you can’t see. As you’re here, feeling this position, take some time to think about what it means to commit yourself to this workout. Will you actually try this time? Because last time you really half-assed it.

As for the good news: You’re already losing weight! You may have noticed we set the thermostat at 105 degrees to ensure complete and constant perspiration. Sweat out those toxins, like salt. And please, please don’t drink water. It really clogs the pores and is bad for morale.

All right, buckle up: it’s time for high intensity. Everyone take a fiber-optic cable (no, it’s totally different from a jump rope). Your rate should be one hundred jumps per minute. To help you pace, we’ll do this over hot coals. Stop after every five seconds and go into child’s pose immediately (off the coals — there was some confusion last time and it slowed us all down).

Get into a pair with a sweaty stranger whose stretching is making you uncomfortable right now. It’s time for teamwork. While partner one does push-ups, partner two screams at the top of their lungs and pours gasoline on partner one. Remember, partner one: always use your Ujjaya breath. This will bring the calm to the practice.

Alright, come back to the center. No, of the room. It’s time for leg day, because every day is leg day (unless you’re a woman, in which case sit this one out and lift your leg off the floor over and over again for toning). Men, we’re doing calf raises. Pick up your free-range animal, straight back and lift it over your head. Now squat. Most of them are alive, so do watch that they don’t try to jump.

It’s been a long day. Let it out. It’s time to play dodgeball with medicine balls. Train your reflexes while feeling the power in your arms. Did you know you could knock someone out so easily? You are strong. You are muscular. You are vain.

As you put in your IV at your mat, think about your life goals and how you have fallen short. Remember that your body is never good enough, but we at Muscle Blender will always accept you in your pathetic state. You can only go up from here! Namaste, peace and see you tomorrow.

Daisy Massey dorothy.massey@yale.edu