Now that I’ve lived on the West Coast for eighteen years and the East Coast for three months, I feel well-equipped to draw conclusions about all the perks, quirks and hidden talents of each coast. And, while “West Coast Best Coast” is a popular refrain among my classmates that hail from the sunnier states, I must admit that New England has its bright spots. So, why not have a greatest-hits coast with all the pros and none of the cons? This fantasy world would include the following:
I’m not gonna lie, the East Coast is really good at pizza. The Super Coast would have pizza from New England, for sure. Same goes for seafood. And with the warp-speed pace of life on the East Coast, it shouldn’t have surprised me that the East Coast has a much higher density of coffee shops. A coffee shop on every corner would definitely be a feature of the Super Coast. (Fun fact: I have not yet been charged extra for soy milk from an East Coast coffee shop. The same cannot be said of their Western counterparts.) The Super Coast would also have East Coast prices. I have yet to pay a standard West Coast $20 for a salad in New England.
Let’s be clear, though: all Asian food on the Super Coast would be from California. Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese, Chinese, Indian cuisine, you name it. I have yet to see Mexican or other Latin American food on the East Coast beyond the occasional taco truck. We would also have fresh produce and strawberries everywhere.
Lastly, the Super Coast would have avocados on every menu, for no additional cost.
I would like the walking pace of East Coasters to slow down by at least 30 percent. Right now, East Coasters’ “walking” is basically jogging disguised in a longer gait and intimidating boots. When I was in New York, I wanted to sign everyone up for Olympic race walking, especially that guy who knocked me over as he ran into the subway. If you want to move that fast, can’t you just get a bike?
However, I can’t hate the walking habits of East Coasters too much — they are so much better for the environment than the West’s. The West Coast has, frankly, the worst public transportation system in the developed world. It’s completely linear, the stops are arbitrary, and people usually drive to the train station anyway.
Here’s a recipe for utopia — West Coast walking pace and biking habits, East Coast public transportation and jaywalking chutzpa, and West Coast driving technology (Teslas and self-driving cars for everyone!). It’s simple, really.
The Super Coast would have music festivals as intense as Coachella or Outside Lands, but you would be able to drive ten minutes to see a Broadway play.
This one’s a no-brainer — the Super Coast would have Yosemite National Park and the Grand Canyon, but with autumn foliage colors.
The Super Coast would have West Coast sand and water temperatures, but beach towns like the ones in New England or even North Carolina. They would also have East Coast crowds, so that you don’t have to get into a fight to claim a 3-by-5-foot spot for your towel.
I’m sorry, someone had to say it. Why do no East Coast bathrooms have toilet seat covers? Does the hygienic regulatory body of New England underestimate toilet seat germs? I would like this situation to be rectified immediately.
I will make one concession — East beats West when it comes to paper towels. West Coast maintenance companies are obsessed with sustainability, so all their restrooms all have weak, cold dryers that take ten minutes to dry your hands and blow more germs onto them anyway. I watched a Dr. Oz special on it. \
The year would begin with a California summer — hot, dry, beachgoing weather in the 70s and 80s. None of this 90-degree humidity business. Next, our Super Coast would transition seamlessly a New England fall — crisp, cool weather with gorgeous autumnal colors blanketing the hills, 45- to 55-degree weather preferred. This perfect fall would be followed by a New England winter, but where it only snows once a week — every Saturday, soft, powdery snow — and the snow magically disappears by the time you had to leave the house for the workweek. By some feat of science, the temperature would still be above freezing. Maybe 40–45 degrees? Finally, we have spring, which would be warm, not too wet, mild weather in the 60s range, with cherry blossom flowers from Washington, D.C. Let’s throw in a cozy Seattle rainy day once a month or so.
Is that too much to ask for?
Lauren Chan | firstname.lastname@example.org .